


Nothing Shameful

by Reindeer_enthusiast



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Drinking, Implied Childhood Sexual Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Mental Health Issues, Multi, Not Canon Compliant, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Slow Burn, Unrequited Love, suicide discussion
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-20
Updated: 2021-02-25
Packaged: 2021-03-04 20:07:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 24
Words: 66,313
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25392118
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Reindeer_enthusiast/pseuds/Reindeer_enthusiast
Summary: “So take me for granted, I know I never really meant that much to you. All our memories will be erased, the only way out is forward... a medical dependency to you. there's nothing shameful that I wouldn't do.”Alternatively, a story in which characters who should have been friends properly meet, and long time friends realize everyone may have been right about them after all
Relationships: Fueguchi Hinami/Kirishima Ayato, Hori Chie/Tsukiyama Shuu, Kaneki Ken | Sasaki Haise/Kirishima Touka, Kaneki Ken | Sasaki Haise/Tsukiyama Shuu
Comments: 116
Kudos: 37





	1. Part 1: Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Re-posted; heavily edited, and rearranged. Some parts are being recycled, some are new.

“Okay, no, no, we don’t eat that” Hinami pulled the handful of crayons from the ghoul’s mouth. “These are for coloring _only.”_

Miza was rounding up the group of children, trying to wrangle the energetic bunch into the reading circle. “Hinaaa, I think nap time is going to be a no-go today.”

“Me too…” Hinami sighed, though a smile formed. She brushed the child’s hair from his face, again trying to pry a box of crayons away from him. “Maybe we just double up on recess and hope they all tire out?”

“Add in a gym and we might get somewhere.”

“Hm…”

Every day was exciting at least; the children always provided surprise and energy, and Hinami couldn’t have been happier with how her life had turned out, even days like today, when there were at least three troublemakers stirring up havoc at any given moment and no one seemed to stop running. The world was finally starting to feel like...there was a new normal, one that really could be peaceful. The pacifist ghoul could only hope that the world was really beginning to brighten, and her hope was that it would start with the children she helped raise. They can be good, she believed, and truly make their way in the world without harming unnecessarily. Peace...was coming.

“I take it no one wants to read today?” Hinami sighed.

“Noooo!!” came a cheer from the ghouls. One child’s kagune snuck beneath her shirt and wrapped around the toy her sister was holding, prying it from her and causing the younger one to cry. Miza was already chasing her, chastising the young one for inappropriate kagune use. 

//

Flipping through calendar pages, Tsukiyama looked with increasing exhaustion for a day that didn’t have some kind of work-related or family matter that needed to be attended to. 

The United Front was his pride, he wouldn’t deny that, but when it became the only focus in his life was beyond him. It was gradual, he supposed, recalling that rebuilding the ruins of Tokyo began as a hands on project for his father and him. The Tsukiyama family had more than enough resources left after the dragon war to use, relocate or donate. In that regard, Shuu wouldn’t have had it any other way: he felt useful, at least. The days, weeks, years after the ‘end,’ and Shuu felt it was in his best interest to prove that he could continue to be useful. 

Work weeks were filled with administrative responsibilities, primarily business and financing efforts, as well as outreach, coordination with TSC members, meetings with Banjou, meetings with Naki, meetings with peacekeepers, meetings, meetings, meetings, when did he not have someone who needed his attention?

Some days he felt lucky enough to have Kaneki involved in one of these meetings. Those days were blessings, truly the few times that a conference room didn’t feel like his own personal hell. Lately, those days have been few and far between, but he cherished them nonetheless. He could be useful to Kaneki still, he could still be _necessary_ to the half-ghoul, and that, in the end, was all that he wanted to be.

But weekends were nice, and he wondered why he ever took them for granted.

//

Hori flipped the print back and forth, examining the details most would miss. The exposure is all wrong, the composition was garbage, the framing could have been so much better had it been just a meter or two to the left, the colors don’t mix well, she should have made that one guy leave the shot, he’s ruining the-

“Hori, it’s a ribbon cutting,” Tsukiyama reminded her from over his laptop screening. The glow of the white document illuminated his features; the slight gaunt in his cheekbones and hollowing beneath his eyes and the way his hair fell so softly and framed the sharp angles. Hori wondered if she only noticed this so well because of her photography, or if he was losing weight again. “People just want to be able to hang it in the office for a circle jerk anyway.”

“Is this what I’m missing out on?” She smirked, though her annoyance was still evident. “Should I start applying for office jobs?”

A quiet laugh escaped him. “It’s all but a circle jerk. I feel like every meeting is just ten departments patting themselves on the back. ‘ _What a great job on the 16th ward! Just fantastique!’”_

“You cannot convince me people other than you casually drop French into their self-congratulatory orgies.”

“Maybe they should.” His voice trailed off as another email he needed to address entered his inbox.

Hori’s attention returned to the print. Not the print, so much as the crippling disappointment that this is the life of a photographer -- at least, a photographer that likes to pay bills and eat sometimes. For the past eight years, her only source of work had slowed to only become the kindness of Tsukiyama offering her services for political campaigns and events. She was grateful, sure, but there was always a crushing disappointment in realizing her dreams of exciting photography, of violence and gore and ghouls hunting, wasn’t feasible or reliable. Taking pictures that only she wanted to see limited the income that she had. Hori glanced around her home, the walls adorned, almost completely covered, with prints and Polaroids, while the books containing her favorite works stuck out to her. 

Hori’s apartment was filled with albums upon albums of ghoul hunts, mostly Shuu, but all were valuable in only sentimental value, and only to her. Even Shuu didn’t care to see them- his past, vain, selfish ways, he always remarked.

The pair sat on the floor of the photographer’s intimately small studio apartment, the size barely accommodating her, and certainly not the ghoul twice her size. Shuu used to complain endlessly if he ever needed to visit, chastising everything from her choice in curtains to the lack of _grace_ she held, but now, he just worked quietly on the laptop rested on his crossed legs, both waiting for the prints from the prior day’s event to finish dropping to the printer tray.

Hori sighed, and wondered if there really was something to an office job.

//

A week or so had passed, and the photographer found herself running errands through the wards of Tokyo, exhausted and annoyed.

“Ain’t no way in hell you’re an adult.”

“I’m _34!”_

_“Scram kid!”_

Hori groaned, taking the money back off of the counter and replacing it in her pocket. She had forgotten her ID, and this was the _fourth_ liquor store to refuse her. Stepping back into the street, the baby-faced photographer scowled to the sidewalk. She kicked at a stone, maybe not disproving her youthful demeanor. 

Hinami stopped in her tracks, only a few feet away. She knew that face, the deceivingly youthful demeanor of someone much older than she expected.

' _But from where?'_ Hinami thought. 

_Where…_

_//_

_It was the apartment._

_It was during that time…_

_Tsukiyama and Kaneki were seated on either side of her on the sofa, Hinami sat on the very edge, as close to the coffee table in front of them where her notebooks were strewn across. Hinami's lesson today was particularly exciting to her, though now that years have passed, she could only wonder what held her attention so tightly that she didn't hear the knock on the door._

_"That's probably just Hori," Tsukiyama had reassured when Kaneki tensed._

_Hinami looked up as the door was opened. Just past Tsukiyama was that face, the very same. She looked so young, Hinami assumed she was a child around her age. "Kaneki, Kaneki, is that another kid? I wonder if she'd want to be friends with me," Hinami spoke as she leaned forward to get a better peek._

_Hori, however, was impartial. She noticed Hinami's interest, and responded with a small wave, before turning her attention back to Shuu. She handed him a manilla envelope._

_"Better be worth it, I nearly fell from the fourth floor to get these."_

_"Not the highest you've nearly fallen from," Shuu had retorted, opening the envelope to inspect a photograph._

_"Payment, please."_

_"Yes, yes," he muttered._

_Kaneki stood and approached the pair, taking the photo from Shuu while he fished for his wallet. "Chie-san, you're...you're welcome to come in, if you'd like."_

_She shook her head. "No, thank you though." She took her payment from Shuu's hand, the expression on her face was unreadable. "See you, Shuu."_

_"Arrivederci," he said, barely looking up from the contents of the envelope. He was examining a sheet of loose leaf paper, muttering about the messy scrawling that was Hori's handwriting, as he closed the door on her._

//

"I'm...sorry, have we met before?"

Hori looked to the voice: a young woman with a short brown hair cut, her bangs to the side, with a clover clip in her hair. 

Hori's head tilted to the side

"...I don't actually...think we ever did. But I know who you are."

"And I know you."

"...I'm Chie Hori."

"Fueguchi Hinami."

"Oh, Hinami!” Chie’s face lit up, “Oh yeah, yeah, I heard a lot about you! Shuu talks about you all the time."

The ladies had a moment of mutual excitement as they pieced together why their faces felt familiar to one another.

“Hey, quick question, but how old are you?” Chie asked suddenly.

Hinami was taken back, but told her “I’m 26.”

“Oh you’re younger than you look too. Do you have an ID on you?”

“Oh, uh, yeah, I have my permit-”

“Wanna help me on a mission?" She asked with a mischievous gleam in her eyes. "I told Tsukiyama I’d pick up something for us to drink, but, uh, I look like I’m still 12 and forgot my ID at home and no one in this city will sell alcohol to me.”

“For Tsukiyama-san?...Yeah, I can do that.” Hinami smiled and nodded. 

Chie barely knew Tsukiyama’s friends, having only dealt with Kaneki, Touka and a few others when things got desperate, but ‘Hinami’ was a name he always spoke of fondly. Chie took the younger woman’s arm in her own, and led her down the road to the next nearest liquor store. 

“How long have you known Tsukiyama-san?” Hinami asked.

“Since high school. I used to follow Shuu around while he hunted.”

“That’s...really dangerous for a human.”

“Eh,” Chie shrugged. “I’ve never really had much reason to be afraid of you guys.”

 _Chie Hori has been friends with a ghoul since high school?_ Hinami thought. _And has never felt fear, to the point she would subject herself to hunts?_

Optimism, Hinami noticed, was the best way of describing the feeling the older woman gave her. 

“Alright, can I make a slight confession?” Chie asked suddenly. When Hinami insisted she could, Chie gave her a sly grin. “So, I’ve been doing something I _maybe_ shouldn’t be, and I have no one to confess to, but…” Chie pulled Hinami into the shop, straight to a section of the store with whiskeys and bourbons. "I've been doing this thing, where I tell Shuu a bottle costs 30000 yen, when it really costs 20000. Kid's so rich, he wouldn't know the difference anyway. I've been pocketing the extra 10, but it's for a good cause! I'm going to trick him into taking a vacation with it."

Hinami's eyebrows knit together. "That...still feels wrong." 

"I know, I know, and it is, but the only way I'll be able to get him to take a day off is if I've already bought the tickets."

"It...just still feels wrong to me."

Chie held her hands up defensively. "Guess I just have to hope girl code trumps your morals?"

"We'll see, I guess."

Chie's half smile hid a touch of worry, but she turned her attention to the shelf of liquor to find her preference.

The two went to the counter, where Chie placed the bottle and Hinami started to search for her ID. The shopkeeper looked between the two of them. "Either of you ladies old enough to buy this?" 

"I am. I have my ID," Hinami muttered while digging through her purse. She found it, just to be startled by the click of a camera shutter. Chie looked at the screen, humming in satisfaction. 

“You know, it’s really hard to believe we haven’t met before,” Chie spoke absentmindedly, as Hinami placed her ID and cash on the counter. 

“You didn’t seem to have much interest in meeting us.”

“Hm, I guess not.” Chie instead moved to taking a picture of the shopkeeper and the line of bottles behind him, much to his annoyance. 

“Control your kid,” he snapped, placing Hinami’s change down. 

“Will do,” she muttered as she collected the bottle and money. 

Chie stuck her tongue out at him, turning on her heel and dragging Hinami out of the shop with her. She snatched the bottle from the younger woman’s hand, offered a two-finger salute, and called that it was nice to finally meet “the sweet little flower girl Kaneki keeps around!” Chie made her way back to the manor without giving Hinami so much as the opportunity to say goodbye.

Hinami stood, astounded, and still unsure of what to make of the older woman. _I guess she wouldn't hang out with Tsukiyama-san if she wasn't...unique_ she figured.


	2. Part I: Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Have you ever been alone in a crowded room? When I’m here with you, I said ‘the world could be burning, burning down.’”  
> -“dark blue” by jacks mannequin

"This, children, is a kagune." Sunlight gleamed off of the shine of the weapon. A chorus of "oooh" and "whoa!" greeted the ghoul. "Kagunes are weapons that ghouls are born with. Every ghoul has one, and they're special, each one is different."

"Can I have one?" A little girl shouted, quickly joined by others who shared her interest.

"Afraid not." The crowd of children collectively whined. 

Amongst all of the important paperwork and meetings and hunts and all that, the United Front had a mission of outreach and education. Someone in one of these meetings stressed that the best way to integrate both populations is to educate them on one another. 

And children happen to be an excellent population, as they haven't become swayed by bias or experience or hatred like some adults are.  _ 'To develop a braver and kinder future, you have to reach the next generation!' _

That being said, Shuu still wasn't sure how  _ he _ ended up as the only person giving these presentations. 

Well, he did know- Banjou seemed to be a great leader when he knew the team, but the idea of a crowd of so many strangers had him stuttering, sweating and shaking. Naki offered, but the human peacekeepers had concerns that Naki's hearing could be of some concern (the real reason was likely a bit of prejudice towards his potential stage presence; Naki either didn't care about this or was oblivious to it). 

After a long list of potential spokespersons were exhausted, Shuu found himself on a low rise stage in front of as many children and parents as the park could hold. 

_ The only one of my friends without a kid and I'm the one stuck doing these,  _ he had mentally cursed at one point, an exaggeration he didn't want to acknowledge. Any of that residual anger couldn't be seen by the crowd at least. He might not have been keen on being used as the children’s introduction to ghouls, but at least being the center of attention was where he still felt comfortable.

The presentation itself is mostly just a scripted spiel, education on what ghouls are, the different types of kagunes, and some very basic explanations of what the United Front was about. The more difficult part was always the Q&A. There were always the inevitable questions that didn’t have easy answers, especially from the parents; “How can we protect ourselves and the children from an attack?” “What can we do to avoid ghouls?” “Do you eat children too?”

It was annoying. But the children had their own questions and Shuu preferred to interact with them. To be more personable with the younger audience, he would sit at the edge of the stage, picking kids out one by one to ask questions. He would end up sitting, at least, because the children’s inevitable questions always involved “Can I touch the spirally thing?” “Is it slimy?” “What does it feel like?” 

Notable other statements he’s heard included: “It looks like snake skin, is it made of snake skin?” “Why is it purple?” “It looks like a slinky. I like slinkies. Can I play with the slinky?”

“Alright, so, any questions?” A sea of small arms shot into the air. “Oh mon Dieu, how will we determine the order here? Hm...Okay, you first, go ahead.” 

A girl, likely between 10 and 12 years old, stood. “Hi, I was wondering, do you ever tip over?”

“...Tip over?”

“You only have your ‘kagune’ thing on one side, and you said it’s a ‘heavy type.’ Do you ever tip over?”

“...You seem very smart. No, I don’t, but that’s because if you remember, it completely disappears when it’s not used.”

“That’s no fun.”

“Excuse me?” Another child perked up, “Can you cut apples with it?”

“...Sure?"

“Cool!”

“Me next, I was next! You said it can be as long as you need it to be. If you need something on the other side of the room, can you go ‘mrrrmph’ and pick it up.”

“I don’t know what that noise was, and I’m going to go with no, I can’t, but maybe a different ghoul could?” He thought more on that question. Kaneki’s kagune came to mind, the flexibility that his type allowed could be of some practical use, he supposed. “Yeah, I think some ghouls could.”

“How do you learn to use it?”

“Same as learning to use the rest of your body; you just kind of figure it out. You stumble around and break things and accidentally stab yourself in the eye a few times trying to see it.”

The questioning was always an onslaught of curious minds, with the rowdier bunches interested in the potential for havoc and the practical minded trying to figure out if a kagune can help turn off the lights a ghoul forgets. 

Children were simple and complex and fun and aggravating and Shuu couldn’t tell if he was happy to not have one, or miserable because he likely never would.

It usually took numerous peacekeepers to help remind the crowd when question time was over, 'Tsukiyama-san will need to be leaving now, no, no, that includes you ma’am, no more ques-'

Tsukiyama sat at the United Front's promotional table with his forehead in his hand, noticing despite possibility, he may have developed a headache.

“Your presentation was really nice,” Kaneki said. 

Tsukiyama shot upright, unaware of the other’s presence.

“H-hey, I didn’t know you came, You were...hey.”  _ smooth _ , he thought.  _ Fucking smooth.  _

"Hey." 

“SHUUUU!” Ichika threw her arms around Tsukiyama, and Tsukiyama had to wonder how she hid in the crowd without catching his attention. 

“Hello princess, how are you?”

“Good, I met a bunch of other kids.” She had a wide, toothy smile. How she had gotten so big was beyond Shuu, he could have sworn she was only a few years old. 

“Had fun?”

“Yeah!”

“Bien! Maybe next time, I’ll have you come help me on stage? I could use a co-host, you know.” That smile only widened; Shuu had to admit that he was enamored with one child, but he was biased. “Kaneki-kun, you should have told me you were stopping by, I could’ve gotten you actual seats. These events tended to fill up quickly.” 

“We didn’t really know it was today, we just happened to be passing by. Your voice carries, I don’t know why they put a mic on you when you hardly need it.”

“Ah, the damn thing doesn’t work half the time anyway.” Tsukiyama was more caught on the fact Kaneki claimed to not  _ know,  _ when he was fairly certain he personally invited him and his family. More than once.

“It was good to see you, Tsukiyama-san, but we have to head back.”

“ _ Nessuna problema,  _ but Kaneki-kun, don’t be such a stranger, okay?”

Kaneki smiled, nodded, then waved for Ichika to say her goodbyes and join him. 

And as the two left, Tsukiyama wondered how he had managed to miss that scent. 

//

Hinami grimaced at the smell of flesh; everything felt  _ off.  _ Staring down at her plate, the piece of thigh muscle could have been sewage.

This wasn’t the first time it has happened either. The past few days, Hinami noticed,  _ everything felt off _ . Her intensely accurate senses were...wrong. Her nose had never led her astray before, making the sudden change all the more disorienting.

“What’s wrong, not hungry?” Touka asked, concerned.

Hinami looked to her future sister-in-law. Touka and Ken often had the younger pair over for dinner, to catch up and spend time together. Hinami was normally sociable, the most chatty one of the bunch, but tonight she was distraught over her lack of appetite.

“I...just don’t feel very hungry.”

Ayato rubbed circles on the small of her back, concerned but quiet beside her. 

“Are you feeling sick?” Kaneki asked.

“Not...exactly. I just don’t feel like eating right now. I’ve been getting nauseous a lot, lately.”

“We can take it home,” Ayato suggested. “Maybe you’ll feel like eating later?”

“Maybe…”

Hinami tried to push past the discomfort, to enjoy the company of her family. She spent most of the evening talking about the children she teaches, listening to Ayato and Touka bicker back and forth, and watching Ichika run and play through the kitchen despite her mother's efforts to have her sit still.  


After dinner, Touka and Hinami cleaned the kitchen, with Hinami washing dishes while Touka tried desperately to find the matching tupperware lid to the take away container she packed for Hinami.

Hinami became increasingly upset by the smell of the sink, of leftover food, of everything in the kitchen that didn’t smell the way it was supposed to. "Nothing smells right…"

“Your sense of smell is that off?” Touka asked.

“It’s been so off, I don’t know why. It screws up how food smells and now I don’t even want to eat.”

Touka’s face changed, her expression moved from puzzled to inquisitive. “And...You said you’re getting nauseous a lot. Is it...always late at night that it hits?”

"Yeah."

"Leg cramps?"

“Yeah!” 

“Headaches? Mood swings?”

“Y-yeah? I guess?” Hinami looked to the sink, trying to piece it together herself. Touka leaned down, catching her eye. “And, mm...how to say this...would you say that your breasts have been...tender?”

Hinami stared wide eyed, at her sister, before her jaw dropped, and a small gasp escaped. 

//

No one said that trying to create an organization that would rebuild the ruins of Tokyo while creating initiations and policies that protected both humans and ghouls would be _easy_ per say, but Tsukiyama still felt that he was about one meeting away from losing it. Tsukiyama had recently found the workload to be more overwhelming than he would ever admit, but the emptied glass and emptied bottles of bourbon on the side table spoke for themselves. 

The study was the only place in the manor Tsukiyama was willing to work in, insisting that the estate was meant to be a  _ home _ and he wanted so desperately to make it feel as such again. That being said, it was the only room he ever seemed to find himself in anymore. 

Grasping at his forehead, palms dragging down the sides of his face- he made a mental note he needed to shave, and probably bathe while he was at it -before grasping the empty bottle. He scrutinized it, as though it were its fault for not holding more and not his own for drinking the whole thing in one sitting.

“You really should cool it,” Chie commented, her focus on the camera in her hands. She had been working beside him for the past few hours, first on editing on her own laptop and now on adjusting the settings on the device. Hearing a deep sigh, she gave him a sideways glance. "Spit it out. What's bothering you?"

"Kaneki-kun came to the event today," Shuu said, tilting the empty glass this way or that to watch the reflected light shine from it.

Chie glanced up from her camera in his direction. "Did you guys talk?"

"Barely. He said they didn't know the UF was there, but they stayed for the end. They left pretty quick afterwards."

She stayed quiet, then said that it was probably for the best.

“I’m going to die alone,” Shuu complained, slumping farther into his chair.

“Join the club.”

“We invented the club,” he muttered.

“Can I at least be the president?” Hori asked.

“With me as your VP. What a match; the two of us are train wrecks.”

//

Hinami sat on the floor of the bathroom, waiting. Impatiently bopping, waiting had never felt quite so excruciating.

"Shouldn't I be sitting with you for this?" Ayato asked from the other side of the door, back resting against it. 

"No, because if it says I'm not, I might start crying!'

"I thought you said you were going to cry if you are?"

"Well now I'm thinking I'll cry if I'm not!"

"All the more reason for me to be with you, dumby…" he muttered more to himself. Upon hearing her stir, he turned to press his ear to the door, resting his weight on it to get as close as he could.

Which only sent him falling forward when Hinami flung the door open into the bathroom, catching him around the neck as squeals of excitement escaped her.

He sat speechless for a moment.

"Are...you serious?"

She nodded eagerly.

"Like, actually serious? Like it says 'yes?' like we're-"

"Yes, yes, we're going to be parents!"

"And like...that means me, right? Like it's definitely-"

"If you ask if it's yours, I swear to God."

"Just, uh, just making sure. I find it hard to believe I get to call you mine, and even harder to believe that we're, I don't even know what to say."

"Are you excited at least?"

"Yeah...Yeah, I am."

Hinami hugged him tighter, and basked in the joy of upcoming motherhood.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, hey, thank you for reading this far! Let me know what you think, every kudos makes me really happy and I hope I can make something people like to come back to!


	3. Part I: Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Hello, my mirror. Reflection's what I need  
> The more you dwell on fear, the more it suits reality"  
> -"flower child" by coletta

The bell to the manor was an elegant chime, a piano piece that echoed throughout the property and greeted Hinami as she waited patiently at the large, ornate doors. 

A servant, clad in all black, opened the door and greeted her. 

"Hi, is Tsukiyama-san home?" Hinami asked.

"Sorry young miss, but he is not. Would you like to leave a message?"

"Uhm, no, that's okay. Do you know when he will be back?"

"Likely not until late."

"...Could I come by late?"

"...I suppose? There's no guarantee he will see you then-"

"I'm fairly confident he will," Hinami felt herself perk back up. She bowed, and thanked the servant for their assistance. "Thank you! I will be back this evening! And, if it's not too much to ask, could you please not mention that I was here?"

"Uhm…o-okay?"

"Thank you!"

//

Hinami went on with her day, arriving at the orphanage with some newfound anxiety. 

Working in an orphanage held a new meaning to the mother-to-be. Hinami sighed as she looked around the room to the children she taught. In each of their faces, she saw her own, orphaned and alone, so young. The world was getting better but there were so many what ifs. 

On top of everything, she was experiencing headaches like humans on TV do, and if one more kid screamed, Hinami worried the vein in her temple would rupture.

“Miza?”

“Yeah?”

“How on earth do you go from _this_ everyday, to home where you have nine children waiting for you?”

“It’s exciting, at least. I really can’t think of the last time I had a dull day. And...Naki’s a good dad. He’s really good with kids, and we’re always on the same page, without even saying it. All it takes is one good ‘Your mother said it’s time for bed’” She mimicked her husband’s voice, “And off all nine go.”

“That’s remarkable, considering the two of us cannot get anyone here to take a thirty minute nap.”

Miza propped her elbow on the table, her chin in her hand. “Yeah, I don’t know what we’re doing wrong here…They listen when Naki’s here.”

Hinami rested her hand on her stomach. “Hey Miza? Were you ever...nervous? To be a mom?”

“Well, yeah, of course.”

“Yeah?” 

“Yeah! Your whole life changes, I mean from being pregnant to having a newborn, and then trying to keep them alive because babies are terrifying little things. Did you know human children sometimes just stop breathing? For no good reason? I was terrified I was going to be the first ghoul mother to have that happen. I don’t think it’s a common occurrence for us, but it didn’t provide much as far as my anxiety went. I don’t think I could count the number of times Naki found me hyperventilating in the shower.”

This was becoming less than reassuring, so Hinami changed the subject to daily lesson plans, now _also_ worrying she’ll be the first ghoul mother to experience SIDS.

//

After a long day of lesson plans and attempting to teach an energetic bunch, Hinami found herself comfortablely nestled in one of :re's bartop stools in front of a cup of coffee. She twisted the cup to and fro, excited for Touka to finally have a moment to dedicate to the young one.

"Is Ken here?" Hinami asked.

"Sorry love, he's got some meeting scheduled with stupid today. What did you want to talk about though?"

And in that moment she, Hinami all but ruptured with excitement.

" _You were right_!" She cheered.

"About?"

"I'm pregnant-" before Hinami even finished speaking, Touka had leapt over the cafe countertop and caught Hinami tight in her arms. Touka's squeals and the exclamations of excitement were met by Hinami's own, the two causing quite the ruckus in the normally quiet cafe. 

"I _knew_ it! I knew it, what did I tell you! Ahh, this is so great, Hina, I'm so happy for you!"

"Me too! Oh my god, this will make you an aunt!"

"I always knew 'auntie' would be a title that would suit me well," Touka boasted as she finally released her grip on Hinami. "Oh man, this is great, Hinami. You're going to be a natural."

Hinami smiled wide as she anxiously pushed a piece of hair behind her ear, mumbling about her hoping so as well. 

//

After a few other people on Hinami's seemingless endless people- family, friends, loved ones, she's considered herself so lucky to have such an enormous list- and she found herself back on the patio of the Tsukiyama estate, though 'later' meant _much later_ than she intended.

The same servant greeted her- Hinami briefly worried about these staff members' hours, and are they given sufficient breaks, appropriate working conditions, why is she still working?

"Oh, hello...again? Uhm, Master Shuu is home but he has already gone to bed for the evening."

"Can you please tell him Hinami is here, and with _very_ important news?"

"... Important news?"

"Please rest assured he will not be upset once he knows why I'm here."

The servant seemed to gulp, nervous but nodded and led Hinami into the entrance of the manor before excusing herself

//

It wasn’t fear of her master that made the servant outside Shuu’s door nervous. She had no- or, at least little- to fear of him. She had only heard stories of the sacrifices the last servants of the home had made to protect the family, and the kind of man the new head of household was before all of it, but she held little doubt she would have done the same.

She feared interrupting what little rest he seemed to get, and how that was only going to affect his condition. She feared that today was another difficult day for him- _‘All the servants know when certain meetings are scheduled. You will be able to feel the difference in the air: blissful in the morning, and miserable in the evening,'_ she had been advised when she started.

She knocked tentatively, and tried to muster up some courage to speak clearly. “Master Shuu, you have...a guest at the door.”

On the other side of the door, an exhausted Shuu had just crawled into the California king size bed. He stopped, astounded that anyone would visit him so late- he assumed if it was work related, it could wait and if it were Hori, she would have just snuck back in. 

“Please take a message. I’m not going to see anyone right now.”

“It’s...apparently very important.”

“Not important enough. That will be all, now-"

“Please?” she pleaded through the door. Her hands anxiously knit together as she waited for some kind of response. Long, silent moments passed, and she began to worry that she was truly dismissed, until the door opened, revealing an annoyed master. Shuu muttered about how ‘ _this had better be worth it.’_ She nodded, to assure him it would be, though she wasn’t sure of this herself.

Shuu felt too annoyed, too inconvenienced, to feel sad about how their footsteps echoed through empty halls or acknowledge the portraits of those lost adorning the walls. The manor was all but an empty property these days. A skeleton crew made up the staff, and only two members of the family took up the space, when they were even home- something that seemed to occur less and less these days as Mirumo enjoyed newfound freedoms of retirement and Shuu worked tirelessly. The manor tends to only have a mouse for a visitor. 

_‘This had better be worth it,'_ he thought.

"Flower man!" Hinami nearly sprinted to him the moment she saw him approaching. 

_'…It was worth it.'_

"Hinami? What are you doing here? It's late, you should be home." Conversely, he held her tight, revelling in the late night surprise.

"I had to come by, I had good news to bring. And, for your information, I no longer have a bedtime," she teased.

"I just can’t get past the idea that you’re not a child anymore.”

“ _Well,_ consider this an incentive to do so.”

“I’m very confused, little one.” Tsukiyama pulled back to look at her, and his head tilted. 

She nodded enthusiastically. “Guess who's going to be a mom.”

“Wha…You're pregnant?”

“Yes!” Her face lit up, bright and excited. “Yes, yes, I am!”

Tsukiyama’s expression mirrored hers, before falling to a brief moment of concern. “Not with Kirishima…”

“I mean-”

“Oh, no, Hinami, nooo, I thought we talked about this, you’re supposed to pick someone with money! Brains! Good looks! You somehow picked none of these!"

“He’s good, I swear!”

Tsukiyama feigned disappointment, shaking his head at her. “Well...Are you happy?”

“More than I think I have ever been.”

“Well, you know what this means, of course.”

“No?”

“We’ll need to throw a party. The biggest celebration we can.”

“No, no, I don’t think that’s necess-”

“Nonsense! I won’t have this modesty, this is not an option, little one.”

Hinami accepted her fate, throwing her arms around her old friend. 

"Are you in a rush to head home?"

"Not particularly."

" _Bien_ , come with me, come" Tsukiyama instructed. "I have something you'll love." Hinami nodded and followed behind him. "I do hope you'll excuse my appearance," Tsukiyama asked of the young lady, escorting her through the estate.

Hinami chuckled. "I should be apologizing for pulling you out of bed so late, and you're apologizing for wearing pajamas."

"A gentleman should always look appropriate." 

Before Hinami could rebuttal, Tsukiyama dramatically turned on his heel in front of a large ornate door, intricately decorated with beautifully carved roses and vines in the solid oak. "Behold, Mon lapin, the Tsukiyama family library." The door was flung open, swinging free with a creak of protest from the hinge. 

The library was an expansive room, one of the largest on the property, and filled from wall to wall and all throughout with bookshelves. Halfway into the room was a slight elevation, a few steps that lead to red velvet-like carpet and a comfortable sitting area; a small round table, a few seats, a serving cart with coffee maker, supplies and mugs, and a cubby that held board games from Shuu's childhood. 

Hinami's eyes lit up, enchanted by what looked like the _thousands_ of leather bound novels. There was the possibility of getting lost in not only the room, but the countless realities the books could provide. 

And how, she wondered, has he not shown her such a treasure earlier?

Shuu smiled at the look of starstruck amazement on her face. "You know, little one, you're welcome to come by whenever. Consider this an incentive to see you more often."

Hinami would always look young to Tsukiyama, but the excitement on her face took him back to days in the apartment, of bringing children's books and helping Kaneki teach her to read, and the joy that brought the three of them. And now, the young miss is a teacher herself, a feat Shuu couldn't be more proud to have witnessed. "Go on, take a look ar-" he didn't finish speaking before she bolted to the nearest shelf, squeals of excitement escaping her. He laughed, then called to let her know he was going to get dressed.

//

Touka laid her head on her husband’s chest, listening to the steady beat while he settled into bed beside her.

“So I learned something today,” she started, a sly grin forming.

“Anything interesting?”

“Mm. Hinami’s going to tell you some news tomorrow, and you have to act surprised.”

“Act?”

“Because I’m going to tell you now.”

“That doesn’t sound very fair to Hinami,” he teased.

“Gossip’s sometimes just too good to keep to yourself. She's pregnant."

//

Shuu returned, _appropriately presentable_ , in dress slacks and a light blue button down with sleeves rolled to his elbows. 

"Hinami-chan~ Where are you?" He called as he weaved through the maze of the library. 

He found her behind a growing pile of books, surrounding her like a fort, already flipping through her first selection. "I'll need to have someone find a suitcase for you to bring those all home. Care to have coffee?"

"Yes please!" She stood, and started collecting as many of the books as she could hold. Shuu helped her bring the rest of them to the sitting area, and began prepping the coffee maker while she began organizing the books based on subject, author, and size.

"I feel like I never see you anymore, Tsukiyama-san."

Tsukiyama took a sip from his coffee mug before he nodded. "It feels as such. I don't really know why, it just seems as though with each year, I'm seeing you less and less. Just look at the beautiful young woman you're becoming! It pains me to consider what else I'm missing."

"Well, hopefully this will change things?" Hinami smiled. "I miss the days we spent together."

"As do I. More than you'll ever know."

Hinami smiled. "Hopefully it will be even better this time around, since we'll have Touka and Ichika and Nishiki and the quinx squad, and, well everyone!"

Tsukiyama's jaw clenched at the realization, but his composure stayed. _'yes, this time we'll have everyone…_ '

"We're going to need a lot of invitations, little one. I tend to prefer handwritten cards, but with the size of this family, we might need to rely on print."

"All the merrier," she cheered, taking a sip from her own cup.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to anyone who's left kudos or comments, it means so much that anyone is reading this at all! I've got a decent amount finished up so the next chapter should be up in the next few days!  
> Thank you!! c:


	4. Part I: Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “There was a time that I remember, when I did not know pain, when I believed in forever and everything would stay the same.”  
> -“memories” by maroon 5

Chie sat idly on an antique desk while Tsukiyama- she wasn’t sure  _ what  _ he was doing actually, all she could tell was the parlor room’s table was covered in various samples of glittering and shiny ribbons, paper of all types and craft materials.

“I’m really surprised that with all the resources you have, that you haven’t outsourced this one.”

“Outsourc-  _ Hori _ this is important! I’m not going to leave a celebration for Hinami in the hands of someone else! Non, this is a task deserving of careful consideration, everything needs to be chosen with the care and attention to detail that only I can provide.”

“If you put half as much effort into your love life, you probably wouldn’t be-” Chie leaned to the left just as a pair of scissors impaled the wall beside her. She merely shrugged at the attempt, adding in a half-hearted “well, I’m not wrong.”

//

Maybe motherhood was already getting to her, Hinami worried while walking the scenic route through the park on her way home. 

For the past few days, Hinami found herself becoming anxious; sometimes it was for her loved ones, sometimes her future child, sometimes herself, and sometimes an unholy combination.

Today's pregnancy-fueled-panic-attack was brought on by a series of texts, pictures rather, of different decorations and party items, from Tsukiyama.

It wasn't the texts so much, as the feeling of imposing, that bothered her; Tsukiyama was constantly busy, always working on something with the United Front. Even when the pair scheduled time to work on the party, it was inevitable that he would need to step out to take a call or check email. He was always good to bring the attention back to Hinami, but the more the United Front needed him, the more she felt like she was pulling him away from something important, for something...so much less.

Hinami was pulled from her inner monologue by the surprise of a girl falling from a tree.

Well, she thought it was a girl, until she recognized the young-looking photographer friend of Tsukiyama’s. 

And she  _ thought _ she had fallen out of the tree, until she realized that the woman had actually flung herself from a few meters up, landing herself in a bush, rolling out of it and into the sidewalk. 

“...You know, I feel like you’re very brave for a human.”

Chie’s head snapped towards Hinami. “Oh hey!” she greeted as she stood, brushing herself off. “Sorry, there was an albino squirrel, thought if I could manage to get a good picture I could sell it to some nature magazine. Little bastard got territorial though, and I’m not in the mood for a rabies shot.”

Hinami examined Chie, noting the scratches and bruises. “You should be more careful.”

Chie grinned. "I promise. If years of this hasn’t killed me yet, I think I’ll be alright. Uh, well, sorry if I scared you, but I shou-”

“It’s Chie, right?”

“Yeah.”

“You’re still really close to Tsukiyama-san, right?”

“Mhm. His best friend, as far as I know.”

“Tsukiyama-san’s having a party for me, a baby shower, but...I feel bad.” She confessed. “He’s really busy, isn’t he? I wouldn’t want him going out of his way unnecessarily.”

“You're already quite the mom, I see. Considering it’s the happiest I’ve seen him in a while now, I wouldn’t worry too much if I were you.”

"...The happiest he's been?"

"Guy barely stops working anymore, but planning your baby shower has been the first time since the holidays that he looked excited for something. So, yeah, don't sweat it. He'll be busy either way, at least he's busy with something fun for once," Chie smiled at her.

While Hinami still didn't fully feel right letting him take on the task, she decided that she would trust Chie. She nodded and returned a smile. "So… Do you normally take pictures of nature for work? Or is falling out of trees just a hobby?"

"A little of both. I'm freelance, I just do whatever I can sell."

“Do you ever do baby portraits?” 

Chie smiled sheepishly. “I’m sure I could, but to be honest, it’s just not something I’m interested in.” Chie sighed, wistful. "I really don’t know what I want to do anymore. Things used to be a lot different, and I used to be able to make an okay living off of some much cooler work, but nowadays, I’m kind of scavenging for jobs.” 

Chie was surprised with how easily she was able to be completely honest with Hinami. She wasn’t a dishonest person by any means, but she was normally well guarded. This kind of honesty tended to be reserved for late night discussions with Shuu about how both of their lives have ended up. 

“Well,” Hinami started, “...what makes you happy? What are you passionate about?”

“Heh, I’ll have to show you my old collection one day. I’ve got loads of books with really cool prints.”

“Maybe at the baby shower?” Hinami suggested.

Chie was taken aback. “The baby shower?”

“You’ll be there, won’t you?”

“That’s...normally a private thing, isn’t it? I don’t imagine you want strangers coming in-”

“Well, any friend of Tsukiyama-san’s is a friend to us, so...I’d be happy if you joined.” Hinami wasn’t sure why she wanted to invite her but, she considered, if this person means so much to flower man, well she could certainly be trusted. 

“Oh, uhm...well, uh, thank you. I’ll...try and make sure I can stop by.”

Hinami smiled again, before looking to the ground in a moment of thoughtful consideration. “You know, I feel a bit bad. You said you know about me, but I don’t really know much about you. I remember Tsukiyama-san mentioned you a few times, but...he never really talked about how you two knew each other.”

Hinami recalled the days in the apartment, when Tsukiyama would stop by with bouquets of flowers, waiting until Banjou and his friends were aside, before a sly smile would creep onto his face and he would ask the preteen if she would like to get out for some fresh air. And Hinami would always agree; it would mean a trip to the library, to the florist shop or a store with cute clothes. A chance to escape the anxiety ridden home she shared with her friends. 

On a few of these trips, Tsukiyama would mention that he had a friend who would like this or that-

“Ah, I’m...not really surprised,” Chie admitted, snapping Hinami out of her memories. “Hey, I have to get this developed-” she held her camera up, “-do you wanna walk with me?”

Hinami nodded, and the two started along the pathways of the park. “So,” Chie started, “what are you hoping to learn about old Shuu? Hoping for embarrassing teen years, because my dear, have I got  _ plenty  _ for you.”

Hinami giggled. "I can't imagine that happened often."

"You might be surprised to learn that the great Gourmet of the 20th ward wasn't exactly perfect. For instance," Chie started, deciding that Shuu would surely be fine with stomaching some embarrassment if it came at the cost of Hinami's happiness. "Do you know what a Sadie Hawkins is?" Hinami shook her head. "A Sadie Hawkins, my dear, is a dance in which the girls have to ask the boys out. It's apparently a popular concept in the United States and for whatever reason, during our junior year, our high school thought that was a fun idea to borrow. Imagine the scene, if you will, of a school with posters on every wall, every corner, to remind girls that 'this is your chance, ladies!' It somehow came to be that everyone just knew that the Friday before would be when girls asked. So, naturally, Shuu's talking for days,  _ weeks _ on end, about how he can't wait. Every day, I was personally serenaded with reassurances 'ma petite souris, don't be jealous when I'm swept away by the crowds of girls lusting after me. I may have a hunger for them, but our friendship will remain intact! At the end of all of this, even when you're miserably alone the night of, I'll make an effort to stop by!'" As the pair walked along, Hinami enjoyed Hori's storytelling capabilities; her inflection and features were grandiose, a perfect imitation of Tsukiyama's old ways. "Now, mind you, I have  _ no interest _ in any of this Sadie Hawkins nonsense." 

"So what happened?" Hinami asked.

"So, the big day finally comes, after about two weeks of girls writing their speeches on cue cards and practicing in front of mirrors, it was show time. And oh, oh you know our boy dressed to the  _ nines _ that day. Fresh suit, hair slicked, I think he even wore makeup, everything had to be  _ 'perfecte _ .' And the showboating asshole that he was, he decides that's the day he'll drive us both to school. We pull up in a European convertible, and Shuu looks like he's runway ready and...not a single girl approached him.  _ No one _ . Not a soul."

"What? Why?"

Chie snickered. "Contrary to what he might tell you, he wasn't as popular as he recalls,  _ especially _ with the ladies. But by third period, Shuu was losing it. Like, borderline shaking girls in the hallway, 'Why won't you ask me out, you should be head over heels for me, I'm pretty and rich and I speak Italian and I even did my hair nice, please ask me out." Hinami found herself hiding a smirk behind her hand. "The kicker, though, was by sixth. Shuu and I had gym at the same time, so we're outside waiting to run track, sitting in the grass, and he's complaining  _ endlessly _ about the lack of class these girls have, because obviously they just were not up in his league anyway. Except this one girl. Class rep, of course, wish I could remember her name. She comes towards us and Shuu's just going 'this is it, my big moment, take a picture when I accept, okay? It'll look so good.' She comes up and asks if Shuu will talk to her alone. And he winks at me but lemme tell you, the photo I have of him, the moment he realized she wanted to talk about an incident in a club they were in together and not the dance? You may have felt the earthquake that day, the poor girl got an onslaught of curses in languages she didn't even recognize, loud enough to shake the earth. He was  _ pissed _ but, the real secret here, and I'm trusting you with two secrets now, so you gotta keep this to yourself okay? She asked  _ me  _ out the period before. Super taboo, especially back then, I know, but everyone thought I was a lesbian anyway."

Hinami stifled a surprised laugh. "Well? Did you say yes?"

"I turned her down, didn't plan on going to the dance anyway. And I wanted to tell him so badly, but I just couldn't break the poor guy like that."

Chie hadn't noticed they already made it to the studio, her pace just naturally slowed until the pair stood on the sidewalk, just chatting.

"Perhaps he's a bit more fragile than I thought?" Hinami murmured, thoughtful.

Chie's smile faltered for a moment, before she could regain her composure.  _ Fragile _ was the perfect description of her friend. But Hinami was the young one, the sweet and innocent one that was probably left out of all of that drama. “Just a touch.”

"This…has been really nice." Hinami said. "I've been so stressed recently, this is the first that I feel like I'm a bit relaxed."

"Happy to help."

"I don't want to keep you all afternoon, I'm sure you're busy," Hinami said, "but I would love for you to come to the baby shower if you can. And, maybe we can get coffee sometime before then?"

"...Yeah, yeah I'd like that." 

"See you around," Hinami waved before heading off towards home. 

Chie was grateful that she was going into the dark to develop film, lest anyone catch the goofy grin plastered across her face.

Chie might have finally met a new friend.

//

Chie stood over the stove top, bouncing from side to side, while waiting for the pot of water to boil. Nervous energy. When the mental pep talk she gave herself only made things worse, she elected to instead use the 'fuck it' method. 

Dial, ring, ring, ring, ' _ maybe she won't even pick up,' ri- _

"Hello?"

"Hey mama," Chie started.

"Hori, my sweetheart, what a nice surprise," Chie's mother greeted. It always started as a nice surprise. "It's been so long since you last called." ' _ Yes because I always have to call you and you always start wit-'  _ "Are you calling because you've finally found a man?"

"No, that's not why. I need...I need advice."

"Well, styling your hair is probably a good start, and wear something other than boys’ clothes and-"

"Not advice on how to get a man."

"Oh. Then what?"

"What are you supposed to wear to a baby shower?"

"...You don't have a man but you're pregnant? Are you kiddin-"

Chie groaned, leaning away from the receiver. " _ No _ , for god's sake. A friend of mine."

"...I know ghouls are different then us, but are they like seahorses?"

"Wh-what? Mama, tell me who you think is pregnant."

"...Well now I don't want to say."

"...it is not Tsukiyama. And no, ghouls are like people. The girls carry the kids."

Chie's mother sighed in relief. "I just didn't think you had other friends. So that Tsukiyama boy is still available then? When are you going to finally realize you have it made? A rich husband, high status, you could have it all if you just-"

It always started as a nice surprise and ended in an argument. 

"I just need to know what to wear to a baby shower. Are they formal?"

"Yeah, mostly."

"Like an interview?"

"A little more comfortable. You could wear a dress."

"You know I won't."

"You could. But, no, a nice sweater and dress pants. The important part is usually the gift, you want something thoughtful."

"Okay," Chie dropped the block of ramen in the water. "So… How's auntie doing?"

A little known fact to the few people that know the odd pair, but one of the first times that Chie and Tsukiyama bonded was when they realized they both had a parent die when they were young. Chie's father passed away when she was four, and she believed Shuu was the same. Each remembers that their parent was kind, warm, and the more reserved but accepting parent. They both are told they look more like their departed. 

The difference was that Chie resented her mother.  _ Tsukiyama loves her.  _ Chie always felt bitter about it, he would remind her often to call, knowing that every conversation they have goes just like this. 

Asexuality was a wasted concept on her mother. The reminders that Chie would 'get over it' and accept that she 'needed a family of her own' were persistent. Having a rich male friend didn't help. 

Every call started as a nice surprise and ended as invalidation and an isolating feeling that 'you're only someone if you have someone else. You're only half as good.'

_ No,  _ Chie thought.  _ I am not incomplete _


	5. Part I: Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ‘You’ve got privilege, baby, how’d you get so sad?'  
> "story of my bros" - dance gavin dance (for full effect, recommend the acoustic version)

"So, what other good embarrassing tales of Tsukiyama do you have?"

After almost two hours of chatter and gossip, Hori recalled with some alarm that she had errands she needed to get done. Hinami, however, wasn't ready for the brief encounter she had with her friend to end. With multiple reassurances that she didn’t mind, ‘ _ it could even be fun!’ _ , Hinami pleaded to help Hori grocery shop.

Hori thought hard on the subject while the two walked along the street from the cafe to a grocery store along the way. 

“Hmm, it’s hard to pick just one at a time,” Hori said, before blowing on the hot chocolate she had ordered. “Hunts, asking girls out, just general being-a-dick-ness? High school really was the gift that kept on giving.”

The automatic doors of the grocery market slid open and an onslaught of smells hit Hinami at once, an overwhelming combination for her disoriented sense of smell.

With a flinch, she stopped and tried to take in the brightly illuminated shop one smell at a time.

"You okay?" Hori asked.

"Y-yeah, just...my nose has been pretty messed up since I got pregnant."

Hori nodded, assuring Hinami she didn't need to accompany her.

"No, no, it's fine! I've just realized, I've never come to one of these. Never needed to. How weird is that?"

"Pretty wild, considering I'm here at least once a week."

Colorful assortments of fruit displays and neon sale signs, Hinami was fascinated by the experience of a mundane human store. Hori was peppered and prodded with questions to things she took for granted.

Hinami held up a peach, testing the texture, squeezing lightly. "Chie, Chie! What does this taste like?"

"Oh no, not you too," Hori whined.

"What?"

Hori sighed with a lopsided grin. "I'm not too good at this game. Shuu used to make me describe everything I ate, but he always complained that I'm not 'descriptive' enough."

Hinami pouted, looking back to the aisle. "...I wish there was a way I could try some of these. Like this!" Hinami picked up a small case of strawberries. "I always see these, and they're so cute. I see them in cakes, on their own, even wrapped up with other stuff but, I’ll never know what they’re like."

"Strawberries are good. They're sweet, go well with pastries and stuff."

"...Are they...closer to coffee or wine?"

"Uh...wine I guess? Sweet like Moscato wine."

With the slightest of grins, Hinami dashed to a neighboring aisle, bringing back a box of crackers. "And this?"

"...Drier, like Pinot."

Hinami let out a laugh of joy, delighted to have found some kind of grading system. While Hori shopped, Hinami would point to foods of all kinds, asking Hori how close she could compare to the few things she could consume. Hori worried about the accuracy, but assumed that it wouldn't hurt Hinami to not know that dark chocolate doesn't actually taste just like coffee.

As the pair passed a ready-made food section, Hinami stopped dead, captivated by a scent. She made a few quick inhales to be sure of the source before pointing to a bucket.

"What is that?"

"Oh, fried chicken. This place makes pretty good chicken, I've gotten it once or twice."

"...I need to try it."

"...What?"

"I-I don't know, I just…I need it.”

“Won’t it, uh, just make you sick?”

Hinami nodded, “Almost certain.”

“So…?”

“I need it,” Hinami decided. “Let’s chalk it up to a ‘pregnancy craving?’”

“Uh, I dunno, how about we not get the family sized one at least.” Hori was almost positive she was enabling something she shouldn’t, and could only hope that reducing the harm would make up for it.

“Deal!” 

With that, a smaller portioned package was added to the cart, and the pair finished working their way through the store. Hinami found herself less interested in the store, and more interested in the possibility that pregnancy has changed her tastes so severely that she could now eat human foods. She felt there was little other reason for it to smell as appealing as it did. Her excitement only grew as Hori proceeded through the checkout and they were able to walk to a nearby park. 

“It won’t, like, kill you to eat this, right?” Hori asked as she handed it over. 

“No, no, nothing that dramatic. Worse case scenario, I get sick, which I’ve been getting sick daily anyway.”

“That sucks.”

Hinami hummed in agreement while flipping the lid of the container off. She made a careful first selection, asked for some guidance on how she was meant to eat it, and took a deep breath to prepare herself.

With ferocity, Hinami bit into it, humming again as the texture was at least satisfying…

But the taste.

She nodded slowly to herself, accepting that the smell was a trick of her mind. 

“You don’t have to swallow it, Hinami.”

She did so anyway, merely out of spite, and placed the piece back into the box. “Hey, uh, Chie, would you, uhm, would you excuse me for a moment?”

“Garbage can was back that way.”

Hinami smiled, nodded and took off in haste. Hori fed pieces of the half eaten chicken wing to the pigeons while she waited, and wondered if they were close enough related for it to be considered cannibalism. 

//

“Helloooo, earth to Shuu, do you copy?” Hori snapped her fingers in his face, drawing him from his mindless state. 

“Yes?”

“I’m starting to think you would actually die without me,” she said, placing a wrapped package on the table beside him.”

“I don’t need to be taken care of,” he muttered, taking the package anyway. He wasn’t going to ask where the little mouse found human meat, instead just picked at the corner of the deli meat wrapping.

“You say that, but you seem to think I’m stupid. Don’t think I haven’t noticed our bad habits makin’ a comeback.”

Any biting comment Shuu wanted to say was cut off by his father joining the study. Tsukiyama Mirumo had long since embraced the idea of retirement, more than comfortable with his son’s capabilities of running the household, as evident by his exclusive new wardrobe of Hawaiian shirts, khakis and sandals (with socks of course). “Shuu, I’m going to need you to- Mousey!”

“Mirumo!”

Mirumo came to greet her with a kiss to the cheek. “What are you kids up to?” Mirumo asked as he patted the woman’s head; he had a soft spot for Chie, long before her insistence of staying by Shuu’s side during his depression. _‘I’m just happy you have a friend!”_ Hori recalls him saying when the two were in high school, _‘You would probably do better with ghouls, but I see the appeal in a pet, just remember to feed her and take her for walks, clean up after her. It’s a lot of responsibility!’_ Hori had wondered then if the older man realized that humans are in fact not the same as dogs and are capable of understanding speech. He has since learned the difference, thankfully. 

"Evening, Father."

"Good evening. I didn't mean to intrude on your  _ 'couples time.'" _

"Don't start with this," Shuu muttered.

"Still not dating, Mirumo."

"Can't blame an old man for trying."

"I absolutely can."

"Hey Mirumo," Chie looked at the elder man, "when did he last eat?"

"Mind yourself, Hori," Shuu snapped. 

"Now, now, Shuu, no reason to be rude. Hori, love, don't fret, we're keeping an eye on things."

"I don't need _ either of you _ taking care of me."

"Mirumo, he's not as smart as he looks."

“He may have inherited his mother’s looks, but-”

“Choose your words carefully, Father, I’m the one supporting your retirement.”

“I no longer have any need to be refined.”

//

“Even picking paint is a pain in the ass,” Ayato complained. Hinami hushed him while mulling over the paint samples. The young couple had spent the past thirty minutes just standing in front of the wall of colored paint strips, with Ayato mostly watching as Hinami would overthink and complicate what  _ he _ believed should be a straightforward task. 'Happy wife, happy life,' though, and he didn't dare interrupt her thought process. Just, maybe help speed it up a touch. "I still don't see why the blue one isn't in the running."

“We don’t know if we’re having a boy." 

“Blue is a nice color, though, it doesn’t  _ have  _ to be for a boy, right?”

“But everyone’s going to assume- maybe we should just stay away from gender-coded colors?”

“Fine. How about this one?”

“That’s a  _ really _ bright green, it’s going to hurt our eyes.”

"No, no, the one beneath it."

"Ayato, those are all different shades of lime green, it's so bright."

“Fine, fine, what about this? I think I actually like this one best.”

Hinami whined, overwhelmed. “Even the things I thought would be simple aren’t.”

Ayato sighed, and wrapped his arm around her shoulders, giving her a light squeeze. “It’s not something that has to get done today. We can take a bunch of these things home, get second opinions.”

Hinami let out a deep sigh but nodded. “I feel like Kaneki would have a good eye for this.”

“Probably. And I feel like my sister will not.”

“You know who would probably be good at this? Tsukiyama.”

Ayato rolled his eyes. “Gross.”

//

"...Kaneki, three, Nishio, two, Naki, eleven,  _ Mon Dieu, _ I have no idea how I'm fitting that many chairs in the parlor."

"Gonna have to move it to the west wing sitting room," Hori suggested.

"Is that actually any bigger?" 

"Shuu, this is your house."

Shuu sighed. "I don't know when we last had this many guests."

"Old walls are gonna rattle. I imagine the house itself will riot when it sees you've actually invited company."

"Even the home knows I'm going to die alone," he muttered.

“All jokes aside, you really shouldn’t have such a hard time finding someone," Hori said. She spoke absently while watching Tsukiyama work on a schedule for the baby shower. Hori briefly wondered if something like that needed to be so meticulous.

“I don’t think it’s really that easy," Shuu sighed, dropping his notepad to the table and leaning back in his seat.

“Why not?”

“Well, lets see, I’ll need to make sure they’re either, a, gay or b, cool with ghouls or are one themself, except, wait, they actually need to be both.”

“Both human and a ghoul, or both ‘gay and cool with ghouls slash are one themself?”

“Oh, either, but a  _ real fucking bonus _ if he falls under 'c. All of the above.”

Hori was thoughtful for a moment. “See, that’s only two requirements overall, though.”

“Fairly large requirements.”

“Ya know, there’s nothing really wrong wit-”

“Oh, no, nothing’s wrong. I’m just almost 35, live alone, haven’t had a date in well over a decade at this point while the people I cherish most either have kids or are going to be soon, and I’m going to die alone, and let’s top it off with the fact I am still  _ very _ much in fact in love with a married man  _ with a child. _ ”

Hori thought for a moment. “You should try Tinder.”

“Tinder.”

“What? Not your thing?”

He glared in place of a response.

“...What about Grindr then?”

“Hori, I swear to God-”

“At least then you’ll know if they’re gay! That was half of your list, done. Boom, solved ya problem.” Tsukiyama was borderline ripping his hair out while Hori tried to make her case. “Why is this  _ bothering you _ so much all of a sudden?”

“It’s not.”

“It  _ is.” _

_ “Honestly,  _ Hori, I’m fine, I just-”

_ “ _ Spit it  _ out.” _

“It’s…” Tsukiyama sighed, more or less collapsed lower into his chair, rubbing his face with his hand. “It’s just...For some reason, and I don’t really know why, but there was some...stupid part that thought, ‘who knows? Who knows, maybe one day, for some reason, he’ll wake up and leave his family and, and…"

Hori watched her friend slip back into the depressed expression he’s been wearing so much more often lately. The fear that this was going to spiral back into what she watched years ago ate at her.

Though not enough to stop her impulsive comment of “I feel like you should have figured it out when the kid came.” As soon as the words left her mouth, she mentally prayed to any god that might grant her mercy.

And a god listened, because all Shuu did was sigh, shaking his head. “I know...It’s the kind of selfish hope that doesn’t even make sense. He’s not that type of person, and if he was, would that be who I fell in love with in the first place?”

Hori shook her head, looking back to the floor.

“...The house is so quiet most days...It...it used to be so lively in the manor. I mean, I still have my dad still, but even he’s got better things to do. He’s got more friends than me. I just miss having people close.”

She sighed in defeat. That was a wound Hori wouldn’t be able to fix. 

“Well, I’m still here, you can’t get rid of me that easily.”

A soft smile crossed his face. “That’s true,” he raised his glass. “Here’s to being alone together, until we die.”

“Morbid but true."

//

Ayato shouldered the bedroom door open, carrying boxes stacked on top of one another. A  _ gift _ from the gourmet had been hand delivered by a servant in black business clothes, to Ayato’s annoyance. As he dropped the packages by the foot of the couple’s bed, he noticed Hinami carefully brushing her bangs to the side, clipping the piece away from her face. She wore a black sundress adorned with printed sunflowers, as bright as she was.

_ ‘Beautiful as ever.’ _

“Well, don’t you look pretty,” Ayato added in a whistle.

Hinami scoffed. “I’m starting to look as pregnant as I feel.”

“All the more of you for me to love.” she only responded in a groan, a muttered comment of him being cheesy again. “What are you girls planning for today?”

“I want to find a pretty dress for the baby shower, and I’ll probably drag Hori around to look at baby clothes, a cradle, who knows?”

“Speaking of which,” Ayato kicked at one of the boxes. “Not sure what we’ve got this time but I’m sure it’s unnecessarily flamboyant.”

“He has a specific taste.”

“Taste, ugh. So, how is this baby shower coming along?”

“The mother-to-be isn’t meant to be the one planning the party, so I don’t know for sure, but I’m  _ more _ than confident in Tsukiyama-san’s abilities, flamboyant style or not,” Hinami’s tone was more indignant than she meant it to be. She felt the need to protect Tsukiyama, still, from any judgement the others may have still had.

Hori had little interest in the racks of clothing, more interested in tailing the mother-to-be and peppering her with questions about her journey to motherhood.

"So, how's work going? Does being pregnant make it a lot harder?"

"Oh my god,  _ so much _ ," Hinami called through the changing room door, struggling to clasp the dress closed with her rapidly growing belly. She threw another dress that didn't fit over the door. "Not only is it very exhausting chasing after 20 small children at a time," another dress was added to the growing reject pile, " but it's, it's just so  _ sad _ , you know? I really can't look at them without feeling guilty." 

"Guilty?" 

"Well yeah, I mean- hang on, I'm coming out." Hinami stepped from the changing room. "How does it look?" She asked, twirling the light blue gown. 

"Pretty!" The camera shutter sounded, and Hinami giggled, embarrassed. "So what were you saying?"

"I just," Hinami sighed, "I just feel so guilty, you know? They're all orphans, they don't have their families anymore."

"Hm, yeah, but that was you not too long ago." Hori leaned back, deep in thought. "If anything, wouldn't this make you their role model? The choice between staying resentful towards the world, and finding your own family, it's not an easy one but a sort of 'kindness and love overcome,' right?"

"...You really think so?"

"Well, yeah, of course. Have you met yourself? With someone like you as their teacher, well it’s just proof things will be okay in the end, right? You've been through some awful stuff, but you’re like a ray of sunshine and always kind and- oh, oh, hi," Hori stopped as she was heaved and pulled close, clutched in a tight hug as Hinami repeated that Hori was sweet for saying as much. "I didn't even really say anything, wow you're really strong, oh."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Being a rare-pair content creator feels like the Dodo Airline letters from animal crossing: new horizons. "I know you don't have a lot of options, but I really do appreciate you choosing me! Have a chapter as a thank you."  
> I've been missing for a bit, but I've got I think up to chap. 10 done. Also had to come to terms with the realization that I've written almost 100 pages worth of this, but not in order so my editing is going to be fun.  
> Thank you again for anyone reading! I love you and I hope you're having a good day


	6. Part I: Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ‘What have you got to lose but false intentions and a life so pretentious?’  
> “Sorry you’re not a winner” by Enter Shikari

_ The Gourmet's body hit the cement wall of the basement, ricocheting off and onto the floor, face down. Blood pooled beneath him, flowing from holes and lashes caused by the rinkaku kagune. The once-white button down was torn, tattered and shredded, few wounds concealed and hidden through whatever remained of the fabric. _

_ Tsukiyama rolled into his side, sputtering blood between his teeth and onto the cement beneath him. _

_ Kaneki stood, awkwardly waiting, while the gourmet heaved through labored breaths. "We can be done for today, Tsukiyama." _

_ "Non, non, I-" he coughed and tasted blood, before clearing his throat as well as he could. "I'll just need a minute, m-maybe two. There's a rib or two cracked, I can feel that much, ha," he tried to laugh it off, as though smiling through gasping breaths would make the lie believable to the other. Tsukiyama tried to push upright, insistent on performing how 'okay' he was while Kaneki avoided eye contact; only occasional, pitying glances, plagued with the awkward guilt of the situation.  _

_ Tsukiyama agreed to spar with him, after all. He knows he can quit whenever, and there wouldn't be any point if they both didn't go full force. That didn't make the younger feel any better about the agreement, watching as Tsukiyama pushed himself back until his back hit the wall, using the basement structure as support.  _

_ The damage was obvious now. Puncture wounds, whip-like slashes, and misaligned bones, all healing but at an agonizing pace. Watching the muscles stitch themselves back together was at least easier if that was the only thing he focused on, Kaneki decided; so long as it's depersonalized, as he doesn't look at the face of the friend he had done this to, just like all of the others, everyone else he's hurt or killed or devoured or ruined or- _

_ "I'm reading, ah, I'm reading a new book, I think you'll like it." Tsukiyama said. _

_ Kaneki forced his eyes up to the others. "...Is it grim?" _

_ Tsukiyama grinned. "Disgustingly so." _

_ "...yeah, I'll probably like it." _

_ Tsukiyama patted the floor beside him, encouraging Ken to sit. Kaneki reluctantly agreed, and sat cross-legged next to him, watching the rise and fall of the latter's chest from his peripheral, as though to assure himself that he wasn't adding another victim to his growing body count. _

_ "I'll give it to you once I'm done. It's not Sen's, but the writing is similar enough. It has a nice flow, not too presumptuous of the reader." _

_ "You can just lend it to me, you know. I can give it back when I'm done." _

_ "A gift isn't meant to be returned, Mon Cher. Besides, once I'm done, there's no one besides you who'll want to read it; I'm not privy to re-reading most works, and Hori has little interest in reading anything outside of a new camera manual." _

_ Kaneki nodded, deeper in thought than the conversation required. "Chie Hori...seems really reliable. She's been helpful." _

_ Tsukiyama nodded. "The little mouse is good at what she does." _

_ "Tsukiyama, please thank her for me? I really appreciate her help." _

_ "Will do." _

_ As Tsukiyama healed, quiet cracks would be followed by hushed moans in pain. Ribs healed by breaking again and mending themselves. Guilt returned, and Kaneki cracked his knuckle out of reflex. As his thumb moved on to crack the next finger, Kaneki was stunned when his hand was suddenly taken.  _

_ Tsukiyama looked serious, more so than Kaneki had ever seen previously. He held Kaneki's hand in his own, long fingers wrapped around the half ghouls, first examining the callouses and blackened nails, and then carefully, more cautiously, took Kaneki's index finger between his own and his thumb. Tsukiyama massaged the knuckle with his thumb, before pulling and pressing and running pressure down the length of Kaneki's finger.  _

_ "Mi amore, I don't like when you do that," Tsukiyama finally spoke, his voice hush but something deeply emotional. "Please don't do that, don't crack your knuckles like that," _

_ Kaneki watched; all he felt he could do was watch, almost helplessly, as Tsukiyama tended to and massaged his hand, each finger individually.  _

_ "You're...You're the one that's supposed to be healing right now…" _

_ "Ah, oui, and I am," Tsukiyama assured him.  _

_ When Tsukiyama felt assured he did enough, he held Kaneki's hand in both of his, holding tight with what strength he had left over. _

_ "Je t'aime, mon cher." _

_ "I never understand what you're saying." _

_ Tsukiyama chuckled, then coughed in pain as his chest wasn't ready for that much movement. "Don't worry about it…” _

_ This was the last sparring match, before Kaneki disbanded them, before the suppression, before-  _

_ What would have happened if he was an honest man? If he hadn't hidden behind an easily excusable front? _

_ Maybe he could have actually done something, he could have prevented all of this. He could have just been upfront with his beloved leader- they never did end up talking about that kiss on Christmas- maybe this is when he could have spoken up and prevented further tragedy. Maybe then no one else would have died, and he could have his love and his family. If only, if only he had- _

"Shuu," Hori's voice broke through. He hated hearing the concern in her voice. "Shuu, you need to eat something."

//

"Ichika, what are you  _ supposed  _ to be doing?" Touka prompted.

Ichika stopped short, knowing there was something she was forgetting. Unsure, she snuck a glance towards her father, hoping for a hint.

Kaneki always helped, despite Touka's reminders that 'she needs to learn to do things on her own.' Kaneki tried to be discreet, pointed glances towards the mess across the living room floor, and a subtle nod of his chin when she didn't pick up right away. 

"Oh! I'll put everything away mama, sorry!" Ichika called over her shoulder as she set to putting away the numerous books and toys. 

Touka glared at Kaneki, as she often did when he helped. "You gonna let her learn?"

Kaneki shrugged, a crooked grin on his face. "One of these days."

"Not today obviously."

He placed his finger on his chin, and chuckled. "I don't do it all that often, you have no reason to be so annoyed."

Touka pointed at him accusingly. "Kaneki Ken, you're an awful liar, and one of these days I'd be wise to cut that finger of yours off-"

"Don't you fucking dare," he growled before realizing it. He slapped his hand over his mouth, surprised by his own outburst. 

Touka stood with a somewhat dumbfounded expression. After nearly a minute of silence, she whistled to break the tension. "Oof, guess that was a sore spot we both forgot about?'

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

"Sorry I wasn't careful with my threats. In the future, I'll try and keep it vague, maybe just a mafia-style threat of ordering pigs?"

Kaneki sighed.

//

“Youta?”

“Hm, maybe?”

“Yamato?” Ayato suggested. The couple looked to each other, grimacing. 

“Decisions, decisions~” Touka chimed in, sing-song, as she propped her elbow on the cafe counter and rested her chin in her hand. 

Hinami was scrolling through a website of suggestions, as both had felt long since stumped on what names they liked. She had taken to keeping a separate note for ones that she liked, that Ayato didn’t immediately object to. “Maybe we can find one with meaning, but I feel like we’re at least getting closer to something here.”

“You guys pick a paint color yet?” Touka asked. Her brother made a motion of his hand to his neck, urging her to drop the subject before Hinami could start-

“No, because  _ someone _ thinks that ‘the brighter, the better’, and let me tell you how nauseous I felt looking at every choice  _ that someone picked out.” _

Ayato sighed, then glared at his sister. Touka, on the other hand, looked bemused at the situation. “I’m sure you’ll come to terms on something. A little back and forth is healthy, but it’s also just paint. Don’t take it so seriously, you can always change your minds.”

“Unfortunately a name is a bit more permanent.”

“Eh, even that. Kids will respond to anything if you say it enough times. Ichika’s been responding to ‘pain in the ass’ like it’s her new name.”

“Amazing to think that the ‘one-eyed king’ is the nicer parent,” Ayato muttered. He grunted as Touka’s fist flashed over the counter and connected with his shoulder. 

“Minato? Min is a cute nickname, I like that one a lot for a boy, Ayato are you listening?”

Said Ayato was cursing Touka out, gripping at his shoulder in pain.

Hori sighed, watching her friend spiral into self-pity. The two of them were back in the Tsukiyama family study, though little work was being done.

"You know what's weird to me is, I distinctly remember you hitting on every girl you spoke to in high school, and watching you parade around like a Playboy at your little restaurant gig was painful to watch...Let's try this for a start; are you gay or bi?"

At some point in an alcohol stupor, Shuu ended up laying on the floor of the study, with Chie reminding him that his servants are paid well but not well enough to carry him across the house if he passed out.

Shuu was digging at his eyes with the palms of his hands, tired and frustrated. "Don't know, never really gave labels much thought."

"Aw, come on, you used to be Mr. Labels, there's gotta have been at least some thought. Alright, reframe it then. Have there been guys other than Kaneki?"

"That I've loved?"

"Any interest, at all really. Physical, romantic, made too intimate of eye contact on a subway train, work with me here, Shuu."

Shuu sighed. "Maybe? No one comes to mind."

"Alright, let's try  _ this _ instead: what did you feel for Rize?"

"Rize? She...she was a friend. A good friend, until the end when we fought. Actually, we fought often now that I think abo-"

"Yeah, yeah, not my point. Did you sleep with her? Or want to?"

“...I guess I wanted to.”

"Was she the first girl you genuinely liked?"

"All I remember is she made fun of my eating habits and called me picky and human-like. I called her a bitch and a pig."

"Did you like her? It's a yes or no type of thing."

"I dunno, Hori, she was pretty and confident and liked to read. I was terrible to her, just like I was to Kaneki-"

"Focus," she snapped her fingers above him, "we're exploring your sexuality, not your history"

"I don't think that's meant to be a group effort."

"No, it's not, but you're an idiot who might die alone without my assistance."

"This is my life," he whined, "drunk in my family's estate, single and alone, while my friend explores my sexuality for me. If you told the 'me' of years ago this, he would've destroyed and ate you for it."

"The old you wouldn't be wallowing in self-pity either. Maybe less drinking would do you some good."


	7. Part I: Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "And all the rows in the pastor's church, full of empty sighs and wine and all the children have lost their way."  
> -"Empty Sighs and Wine" - Isles & Glaciers

“Uhm, so this feels a bit...unnecessary, but what are your qualifications?”

“I have computer skills, I’m hardworking, and reliable. I can be of great use to you.”

“Oh, for computer skills, I, uhm, well I’m already well aware that you can, like, hack and stuff but uhm-”

“Banjou-san?” Hori interrupted. “You don’t need to be so nervous, you know.”

“Ah, well it’s just, this is the first time I’m interviewing someone, so I guess I’m a little nervous.”

“Shouldn’t I be the one nervous, as the applicant?”

“...Can you pretend to be the nervous one for my pride’s sake?”

“Will that make you feel better?”

“...No, but thank you.” Banjou sighed. He hadn’t been sure if he could really justify hiring an assistant, but he was determined to be a good boss through and through.

A week or so prior, Tsukiyama had asked Banjou if he could stay behind after a meeting had ended. Banjou agreed, but wasn’t sure what to make of Tsukiyama asking for a personal favor to hire his photographer friend.

_ “You could use assistance, non? The little mouse is an expert on computers, she’s dedicated and strong willed, incredibly reliable. She’s only looking for some part time work, as photography isn’t always as steady as she needs, regardless of her talents.” _

_ “Y-you really think I need an assistant?” _

_ “Why not?” _

_ “It just feels kind of formal, you know? Very important and uppity.” _

_ Tsukiyama chuckled. “It’s up to you if you want the help. I just don’t want to be involved in the process, lest I be accused of nepotism. She won’t let you down though. Consider that a professional reference.” _

Banjou had no qualms hiring her. He was more surprised to find himself in such an official ‘administration’ role, despite being vice-representative for the past eight years. His leadership was always personable, almost family-focused. To have an ‘assistant’ felt like some kind of sitcom trope.

“If it helps you,” Hori offered, “we can make things more informal. I don’t mind this just being a discussion of what we both want.”

Banjou nodded. “Alright, that could work. Essentially, I think I need help with some projects Tsukiyama’s hoping for me to finish up by the end of the year. A big one is scanning and electronically saving any files we have on dragon orphan organizations, and using that information to try and predict future uprisings.”

“Makes sense.”

“Great. Do you also happen to know how to fix a scanner?”

“I’m...sure I can take a look and figure something out.”

“Great, great, okay, that’s good because I might have broken it. But, anway! Listen, I’m more than confident you can handle this. I guess I’m just curious as...to why you’d want to work for the United Front and not TSC.”

“Well, isn’t United Front’s whole message to desegregate ghouls from humans? I’ve always worked alongside ghouls, because I didn’t feel it was any different. I think it would be hypocritical of me to abandon those morals now.” 

Banjou nodded, accepting this well enough. “Sounds fair. So...would you like to take a look at starting your first project?” She nodded, and Banjou stood, and led her to a room filled from floor to ceiling, wall to wall and then some, with boxes. “Are...Are these all scanned already?” She asked with little optimism. 

“No...I got through maybe half a box before the scanner stopped responding.”

“...20 hours a week may not cut it.”

//

Fixing the scanner was a matter of the tried-and-true, ‘have you tried turning it off and back on again?’ Since then, she had spent at least four hours of her eight hour shift trying to create an order to eight years worth of documentation.

Hori's head rested on the table, exhausted and already overwhelmed.

"Already down on the job?" Tsukiyama asked, placing a can of cold brew coffee beside her as he sat across from her.

Hori made an exaggeration effort to pick her head up, pushing herself back up in her seat. "My soul is dying." 

He laughed. “Already? It’s your first day.”

“I’m working in an office. Look at me, I’m wearing a suit.”

“You look professional at least.”

“I’m dying, my soul is dead, there’s no fun to be had here. Look, look at this, look, I haven’t found a single good shot, except  _ maybe  _ this one?” She complained as she picked her camera up from beside her, shoving the device at him. 

“There is an issue to confidential information here, Hori, don’t be sharing this.”

“See?! See, that right there?! Half of my problem! There’s nothing here that’s interesting  _ and  _ free to be used. I’ve got nothing! I’m going to die here, this will be my downfall.”

“Don’t be so dramatic. You’re starting to sound more like me than yourself,” he snickered at her antics while sipping at his own coffee.

“This just isn’t my kind of schtick,” she reiterated as her head returned to the table. 

Shuu reached forward, patting her head. “There, there,  _ souris _ , you’ll be fine. It’s only 20 hours, and the pay will more than cover your rent. Spend the rest of your week dangling off bridges and skyscrapers and falling out of trees, you’ll be fine.”

“My soul is dead.”

“Join the club.”

//

Hinami waited, listening to the bell chime a piano melody that's echo could be heard from outside the manor. One of the home's servants opened the ornate door, welcoming Hinami but apologizing. 

"Fueguchi-san, I'm very sorry to inform you of this but Shuu-sama will not be home as planned. Unexpected work with the United Front seemed to have come up."

"Oh...that's a shame. The party's tomorrow, I hope hes-"

"Hinami? Hori asked, her head peeking around the servant. Hinami noted that Hori looked as though she just woke up; her hair was up in a messy ponytail and she wore an oversized hoodie, too long for her, and leggings underneath. Even still, the digital camera dangled from around her neck.

"Chie? What are you doing here?"

"Ah, I pretty much live here these days. Yeah, Shuu's apparently not gonna be home for a while but, uh, if you still want to work on everything, I can show you what he was planning on doing."

Hinami looked between Hori and the servant, silently asking permission from Tsukiyama's staff. The servant bowed and excused themself, confident in Hori's hosting abilities. Hinami agreed to follow Hori to the parlor, greeted by piles and stacks of decorations and supplies. "Is there an order here?"

"The mind of a madman is hard to follow...but thankfully, you have me." Hori stood on one of the chairs, examining the table to its fullest extent. "I believe the goal was your final picks on theme and decor. He also went on for about two hours about why paper plates aren't acceptable, but I put money down on it being fine so I really hope you're not actually picky."

"I am not."

"And that makes me 2k yen richer," Hori said as she dropped from standing on the chair to sitting cross-legged on it. 

Hinami sat across from her, and began picking at random pieces of decor from the table. Gold string, silver swirl pieces, various kinds of cardstock, Hinami tilted her head. “He bought an awful lot considering he wasn’t sure what I wanted to do. I hope he didn’t spend too much?”

“Oh, don’t worry, I helped reign him in. It was much worse.”

“Oh no.”

“It was very amusing for me, you should have seen his face in the party store- wait, hold on, I probably got a few good ones.” She picked the camera up, flipping through the memory. “Ah, that reminds me, are you planning on finding out if it’s a boy or girl beforehand? That’s apparently the more common theme for these kinds of things.” 

“I told Ayato he could ask if he wanted, but I want to be surprised. I think we both decided to just wait.”

“We’ll stick with neutral colors then.” Hori placed her camera down, and started sifting through the mess Shuu left for her.

It was only after hours of sorting through decor pieces and decorations Hinami approved of that the two let themselves rest. Hinami noted that many of the decorations were floral pieces, with pleasant nostalgia.

"He put these together himself?"

"Painstakingly."

Hinami had a soft smile as she examined a particular piece. She was amazed by the attention to detail poured into the piece, and how meaningful each and every step was. It was thoughtful, careful and above all, it was with love.

“Reminds me of when we all lived together..." Hinami murmured, a soft whisper as she felt the petals carefully between her thumb and finger. Regaining her surroundings, she looked up to Hori, her smile turning eager to include a new friend into her family. "I remember seeing you there, you came by every now and then.”

“Mm. I remember.” Hori’s voice was flat, however. She busied her hands, reviewing a decorative paper plate with intense scrutiny.

“That was the best time of my life, aside from now of course. Kaneki taught me to read every day.”

Hori recalled with some resentment that Shuu was  _ also  _ heavily involved in that. 

“I had a really nice time living there, with Kaneki and Banjou and Tsukiyama-”

“Shuu didn’t live there,” Hori interrupted. “That much was made clear to him.” ‘ _ Be nice, be nice, be ni-’ _

“Oh? I don’t remember…"

"Kaneki said so."

"Hm...I really remember it different, but maybe just because he came by so often. I’m sure Kaneki had his reasons. He was a good leader-”

The paper plate in Hori’s hands crumbled under the tension. Hinami looked from the crumbled plate, then back to her face, with some shock at the normally relaxed woman’s sudden change in demeanor.

“Listen…I know, I-I  _ know _ he’s your brother-in-law...and I know you guys were, like, super close before even that, but I just...I just need you to understand that I will never...not hate him.”

Hinami’s lips were parted in surprise and she stared at Hori.

Hori’s jaw clenched, her head shook. “I’m  _ not  _ like Kanae was. I swear, I don’t  _ want to  _ hate him."

Hinami sought for something to say. She wasn't aware of the animosity Hori obviously held.

"May...I ask why you hate him?"

"It’s...not my place to tell you any of this, any of it. I'm sorry, please forget I said anything, please just forget-"

"Hey," Hinami interrupted. "I'm not mad at you or anything, if that's what you're afraid of. I just mean, you're my friend. And I want to hear what you have to say."

Hori felt a lump in her throat, choked on Hinami's kindness "...it’s just not fair, you know?" Hori finally managed. "I watched from the sidelines that whole time, I was here when you all stayed in that apartment,  _ his  _ apartment. Ran errands for Ken on Shuu’s behalf. A-and listen, I am not saying Shuu wasn’t a piece of shit back then, oh my God he was. I’m just saying that while you all had your nice little family set up and whatever it was you guys were doing, I was here watching him change into something... _ someone _ who actually, for the first time in his life, cared about someone other than himself. Then you guys-” Hori bit her lip, aggravation was biting at the tip of her tongue, but Hinami wasn’t the one who deserved it.

“Then we what?”

“The thing with Shuu is,” Hori changed tracks instead. “The thing is, he’s not the least bit self aware. I mean, he has no concept of what to call the things he feels. Hunger, love, sex, any of it, I really think anything slightly stronger than apathy and he becomes an idiot.”

Hinami listened, patient. Hori was grateful for that. Hinami nodded along with her erratic speech, and the older woman was thankful to have a listening ear to bend.

For all the years she watched Shuu suffer, Hori had no one to speak freely with. Matsumae was patient but tight lipped. Kanae was there, but speaking with the German cousin to Shuu was like speaking to a melodramatic brick wall, in her opinion. A wall that only ever wanted to hear what it thought would be best, even if it meant crumbling on his beloved master...This scenario ran off in Hori’s mind, so she instead continued her onslaught. 

“Shuu...figured it out too late. Way too late. Hunger and love aren’t the same. It took him  _ so _ long to figure that out.”

Hinami took her words in carefully, and recalled the Tsukiyama who stopped by nearly every day with something for them; flowers, books, coffee, food, anything and everything that might make her and Kaneki feel good, the one that would help sneak her out to scheme up ways to cheer Kaneki back up. Hinami, while young then, always thought it was a loving gesture. And she remembered missing her  _ flower man _ dearly when they returned to the coffee shop without him. 

“He was always good to us," Hinami murmured.

“He loved you all, but...he figured it out too late. He was already trying to kill himself by then.”

Hinami’s eyebrows knit together. She picked her gaze back up, making eye contact with Hori. “What...do you mean?”

A long moment passed, while Hori fought an inner battle. _ It wasn’t her place, _ she felt,  _ but...how could they all have been so oblivious? _

“Did...did none of you know about this?”

Hinami sought an answer, wordlessly searching for a way to have Hori understand how desperately she needed to know what she was talking about.

“... You didn't. I don’t really know if that makes it better or worse. Doesn’t really matter I guess, but...I thought at least one of you had kept in touch with his family.” Hinami’s mouth had shut, but her eyes still frantically scanned the table. “...He will kill me if I tell you this, but I think if I bite my tongue any longer, it’ll come clean off. After Kaneki disappeared, and we all thought he was dead, Shuu might as well have died with him. He died up on that rooftop, and he never really...never really came back. Even after Sasaki, and the next round of groups you guys all formed, it was never the same. He might as well have died.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [The non-compliance tag starts to come into play here, as I just start retconning what I don't like]  
> I think I hate how this one came out - actually I'm kind of convinced I hate most of this story but oh well ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯  
> If you're still here, just know I'm grateful beyond belief.  
> drink your water, take your meds if you need them, remember that ily, okay have a good day


	8. Part I: Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Here’s a little toast to you leaving me all alone, and here’s another toast to you giving up all you own.”  
> -“in like Flynn,” by the bunny, the bear

_ December seemed to have sprung on the half-ghoul this year. Kaneki couldn’t tell where the time had gone, but the cold weather made the joints in his fingers hurt more than normal, a painful reminder of what he couldn’t forget to begin with.  _

_ The atmosphere had been tense, and Kaneki knew it was his own fault. His own failures, his search for answers, his own meaning, all of it was taking its toll. Not only on him, but the group; the uncomfortable silences and awkward dancing of words around him. Fear, he noticed. He was trying not to think too hard, lest his pessimistic mood ruin another attempt at “Family night.” _

_ Family nights...an idea Hinami had let out and Tsukiyama ran with. Another attempt to gain the half-ghoul’s trust? An act to impress the others? Kaneki noticed that pessimism seeping in again, and tried, tried so desperately to be present in the moment. Listen to the holiday music playing on a record player, watch as the flickering white glow of the lights in the tree disappear and reappear, the smell of...Kaneki recognized the smell of baked goods, but was certain Tsukiyama wasn’t that cruel to bring human food to this ‘event’ he and Hinami planned. _

_ “It’s not  _ that _ difficult to grasp, Banjo-san,” Tsukiyama’s voice broke through Kaneki’s self-loathing inner monologue. It's had that effect lately. “We’re celebrating Christmas as they do in Europe, not  _ here.  _ Mon Deiu, to think I would be flirting with you is-” a stammer “ _ Ridiculous!”  _ an exasperated sigh, a melodramatic flail. “The lack of culture around here is astounding. Don’t you realize this isn’t what Christmas is truly about? It’s not supposed to be some lover’s holiday, it’s a day for  _ family!  _ The most fitting theme for Family Night!”  _

_ “I’m just saying! You brought wine and gifts and you’re all dressed up and-” _

_ “I’m a l w a y s dressed like this! You’re looking for meaning where this isn’t one.” _

_ Kaneki mentally thanked the fact he wasn’t the one ruining the other’s night, and felt even more thankful for the normality of listening to Banjou and Tsukiyama argue.  _

_ The apartment was decorated to the nines; it wouldn’t be Tsukiyama if it wasn’t excessive. Garland wrapped every banister, lights twinkling from around every corner, a pine tree with enough lights to be deemed a fire hazard if left unattended. There were more than enough ornaments to take his focus off of his thoughts, he reasoned.  _

_ The half-ghoul’s head tilted as particular ornaments stuck out. There were plenty of manufactured looking gold and red orbs, but a few pieces were handmade...an origami crane, a hand-cut snowflake, a pair of popsicle stick crosses?  _

_ “Who made these ones?” Kaneki spoke up, nodding his chin towards the tree. “The ornaments, I mean…” _

_ “I did!” Hinami exclaimed. Amidst the arguments and tension, she never seemed to fail to bring a sense of joy back into the home… “Tsukiyama-san and I made the crane together!”  _

_ “Oui, we found a book on origami at the library the other day, and thought ‘What could be better!’ Store bought ornaments might be pretty, but the  _ heart _ of a hand made decoration could never be purchased.” Tsukiyama’s attention turned to his prized half-ghoul, though he still glared at Kaneki’s shield for disgracing a sacred tradition. _

_ There were a few moments where no one was quite sure where to start. Tsukiyama naturally decided that was his cue to go over his itinerary of 'Traditional' Christmas activities, starting with an educational lecture since  _ some people _ don’t know the true meaning of the holiday. _

_ // _

_ The evening was a fully scheduled Christmas evening, though Kaneki realized that Christmas wasn't supposed to take place for a few more weeks. Between back to back holiday movies, most in English with subtitles that Hinami needed assistance reading (“Wait, wait, pause it! I can’t read that fast! There are too many words!”) and a detailed explanation of an advent calendar that Kaneki was nearly sure was wrong, the night seemed to fly by. ‘It’s always the good times that go by too fast,’ Kaneki mentally noted with some resentment, watching as the clock seemed to dance in circles in time with Tsukiyama and Hinami. Time seemed to be flying by these days, but the only times that seemed to stay for long were the nights alone, when the half ghoul would wake screaming, covered in cold sweat. The nights seemed endless- if only times like these felt the same, and not like a passing freight train carrying any pleasantries that could be offered to him.  _

_ Was the room spinning or was it finally crashing down on him, Kaneki wondered. _

_ “Another glass, mi amore?” Tsukiyama held the bottle up, the nearly finished bottle that likely only held a glass or two more. _

_ “A-ah, no I...think I’m good.” _

_ He nodded, placing the bottle on the kitchen counter, before he leaned against it. Tsukiyama watched the half ghoul, something soft in his expression, something endearing and loving and more than Kaneki could handle properly at the moment. _

_ “You did a really nice job with everything,” Kaneki spoke without realizing, approaching the other, stopping only when he was just close enough to... _

_ “Thank you, mon cher...I hope you enjoyed yourself for once." _

_ Kaneki nodded, "I did actually. Thank you." _

_ "I feel like you don’t allow yourself the luxury of anything these days. I hope I can bring at least a moment of peace to your life.” _

_ Too much wine, Kaneki decided. That was the explanation, for this light-headed feeling, and not the overwhelming smell of cologne. Too much wine, that was why his heart raced, and why the distance between him and the gourmet seemed to be okay for just right now. The pair stood nearly chest to chest, the hair of a distance between them felt too intimate and too distant: a thought Kaneki was not sober enough to even consider. Too much wine, that one last glass is what did him in. Carmine, half lidded eyes bore into the half-ghoul’s. The distant sound of the record player was drowned out by the blood rushing to his face and rushing from ear to ear, making him glow red. Tsukiyama looks nice like this, Kaneki thought. Sweet and sincere, Kaneki briefly recalled when the pair first met, how Tsukiyama always looked like a model, except tonight, even more so, because there was no hint of an ulterior motive in the gourmets expression, just something soft and kind and thoughtful.  _

_ And too much wine, way too much wine, was why Kaneki closed that gap between the two. That was why he found his hand act on its own, wrap around the taller man's neck and pull him closer, until their lips touched. Tsukiyama had a moment of obvious surprise, tensing up before melting into the other. Tsukiyama's hands still seemed afraid, as though this might be a trick, but he was not going to let a moment so dear pass without action; one hand rested on Kaneki's cheek, cupping his face, the other rested tentatively on his hip. _

_ It wasn't until Tsukiyama got too bold that Kaneki forced rational thinking back into the equation. Tsukiyama travelled, from kissing the corner of Kaneki's lips, moving across his cheek, and to his jaw. _

_ "Tsukiyama." Tsukiyama obeyed, pried himself away against what every fiber of his being screamed to do. 'don't let go, don't let go, don't ever let me go.' The two stood as apart as before their kiss, breathing labored and faces flush and Kaneki can still swear he saw Tsukiyama crying. _

_ The moment was over. It would live forever in Tsukiyama's mind, constantly aware of the spot on his neck that Kaneki touched to pull him down. It would play over and over when he closed his eyes, played in black and white film on a projector in his mind. _

_ It would die with Kaneki, and would not be brought back with Sasaki. _

_ Hinami hid herself behind the kitchen entrance wall, watching in awe as a moment of something too 'adult' for her to understand but pure enough to feel. _

Hinami whispered to herself: "He's still in love with Ken."

Hori was quiet, fumbling with the remains of the paper plate. When she finally spoke, it was soft as a mouse could, but startled Hinami all the same. "It's been...years since we thought Kaneki died. I still have to make sure he eats regularly. After 'Sasaki' regained his memories, Shuu was on what I call 'good behavior.' But...the longer things went on again, it was a subtle self sabotage. Food is a reward for good behavior. Starving is the punishment." 

"Why?"

Hori shrugged. "He was the 'gourmet.' He tried eating Kaneki. Bad habits, I guess."

"So...what do we do?"

Hori searched the table for an answer, as though following one pane of the wood would unlock something. There wasn't, she accepted with a sigh. "I don't know. I've been doing everything I can think of, for years now. It always feels like one step forward and two steps back." 

"There must be something, something we haven't tried-"

_ We?  _ Hori thought. She propped her elbows onto the table, laced her fingers together and rested her chin on her hands. 

"I've tried as much as I can but at this point, it's up to him. That's the thing, you know? I want to be mad at Kaneki, I know _ he  _ wants to be mad at Kaneki, but in the end, it's Tsukiyama's problem, and his responsibility."

"I want to help."

"I know you do," Chie said. "But there's nothing we can do. That being said, you really are going to be a good parent; you've got a big heart."

"That's not helping."

"... _ We _ don't do anything. I'll keep an eye on him, his family will keep trying to make him eat, and you, my dear, can let him throw you the most extravagant party he can. You have a special charm; you make people happy. I mean, really happy."

"You're suggesting you do all the emotional work and I just...show up?"

"I'm a touch jealous, you have such a lasting effect. Simply being here, you do more good for his well being that I ever could." 

//

Hinami felt as though she were beginning to be torn between past and present. Hori's words, the obvious pain she spoke with regarding a past that Hinami was not consciously a part of, circled over and over through Hinami's mind. 

She just wanted everyone to get along, but how could she do so when she only had bits and pieces of the story?

"Hinami-chan," Shuu's voice brought her back to reality, "you look stunning,  _ molto bella _ ."

"Heh, thank you Tsukiyama."

"Ready?" He asked. She nodded enthusiastically. " _ Bien!  _ Ah, I do have a present for you."

"No,  _ no _ , we talked about this!" Hinami protested. "We agreed, you spent so much on the party, so  _ no gifts!" _

"I believe the wording was 'you cannot buy me anything,' so I didn't. I tend to prefer handmade anyway."

"Nooo, that's cheating."

"Hopefully I can convince you to forgive me?" Shuu produced a large, round hat box and presented it to Hinami. 

In the box was an intricately woven flower crown, made up of white and purple shades and varying textures, made with freshly cut flowers.

"White carnation," he pointed to the small ruffled petals of the flower. "Symbolize pure love, and are a woman’s good luck gift. Lilac, for joy of youth. Lily of the valley, for pure love and sweetness. Valerian, for readiness. And a daisy,”

“For nostalgia?” Hinami asked, remembering with joy the days in the apartment, remembering him giving her a daisy and telling her she was a ‘beautiful young lady now,’ and one for Banjou too.

“For hope. Even more fitting for you,” he explained.

She threw her arms around him and hugged him tight. "You're still in trouble, you know! You weren't supposed to do this."

He laughed quietly, holding her tight and running his fingers through her hair. " _ Lo siento. _ "

Hori stopped in front of the manor doors and reconsidered. 

Embarrassment for her outburst, uncertainty about the social situation, growing concerns that her dear friend was doing this as a ruse to cover how terribly he feels about himself, Hori had numerous reasons that she wanted to run, but none of them felt right. 

Hinami wasn't like her family. She was thoughtful, she cared, she was innocent and she loved Shuu and Hori both.

A deep breath to set her nerves, and Hori entered the estate. Servants went to greet her until recognizing the mouse, and instead greeted her as a friend. She needed no escort or guide, though considered asking if one would be her social mentor. She shook off this wishful thinking; the current staff members were great, but they weren't Matsumae.

She stepped into the party and was greeted by the chaos of the scene. Hori knew Hinami had a large family, and lots of friends, but the room was packed and buzzed with chatter. Hori could barely see through the dense crowd to any familiar face.

It wasn't until she was caught by the wrist, found by Hinami herself, that Hori felt assured she made the right decision to come.

"Hey! Cute crown."

"Thank you! I'm so glad you made it!"

Hori scratched the back of her neck, guilty for having second thoughts just moments earlier. "Thanks for the invite."

"Chie, Chie come with me, I want you to meet a close friend of mine," Hinami pulled the older woman's arm, leading her to a bright blue haired girl crouching on a chair, clutching a Nintendo switch in her hands and deeply engaged in whatever game she was playing.

"Yonebashi Saiko, this is Chie Hori, my newest friend."

Saiko looked up from her game, and waved.

"Oh, I remember you, you're one of the Quinx kids," Hori spoke more to herself.

"You know about us?" Saiko asked.

"I was, uh, an information broker back in the day," Hori covered smoothly. She was sure that admitting she stalked anyone close to Sasaki Haise to obtain personal items to bring her friend out of a severely depressed state wasn't considered an appropriate conversation topic. "Chie Hori. Do you still work for TSC?" 

"Mhm! What about you, still information brokering? Is that a word? Sounds made up..."

"I'm a photographer full time, but I recently got a job at the United Front."

"Oh, really?" Hinami chimed in, "You didn't tell me that!" 

"Only just got hired a week or so ago. Guess I didn't get the chance?"

"Who do ya work for?" Saiko asked.

"I'm under Banjou-san."

“So you must know Maman then!"

“Maman?” Hori asked.

Hinami cleared her throat, an awkward hint to Saiko to drop the subject. “Y-yeah, Saiko, she knows Kaneki.”

“Oh.”

Saiko left it easily enough. While she tended to act immature, she wasn’t oblivious. 

The quiet that fell upon the three was dense and uncomfortable. Hinami struggled to think of a redirection. “You work for UF though...” Saiko started instead. “Maybe we should team up." She placed her game down and jumped up from the chair.

"How so?"

"I’ve been trying to convince Urie that we should host an event.”

“Oh, uh...Event planning isn’t really in my job description. I’m just an assistant.”

Saiko waved off her modest answer. “Not the point! What I was thinking is more of a publicity stunt anyway. I think you can help me convince some higher ups that it’s a good idea. See, haven't you noticed that the UF and TSC work in tandem, but never on anything fun? It's all work and no play, and really, isn't that a divide in and of itself? Wouldn’t it be a good idea to show the public that ghouls and humans can do more than work together? Say, perhaps, a social event? Or rather, a tournament?”

Hori’s head tilted. “Tournament...of what?”

“Well _ , I  _ was suggesting Super Smash Brothers- I mean, obviously anything physical will seem like cheating and anything food related would be pretty unfair. We need an even playing field and what’s something everyone can do? Video games. It's something that will draw in young crowds, get people mingling. From there, we establish social ties outside of work and from  _ there _ , we can lay some groundwork for cultural change.”

"That's...fairly well thought out. But, a video game tournament?"

"...So I might have some personal pride at stake. And a need for cash."

“Saiko-Chan,” Hinami said, “I’m not really sure that’s-“

“I like it,” Hori admitted.

“Yes, ha! Finally, someone who gets it! Now, listen, I just really think we need a good amount of prize money to draw people in, and I've heard your boss is a bit of a push over."

" _ My _ boss doesn't do much with fiances...but I know who does."

Hinami looked between the two, and the glimmer of excitement they shared in their eyes. Confident it was safe to do so, Hinami slipped away to let the two scheme on what was a questionably unethical promotional event.

Hori wondered why she had bothered with the two other Quinx members at the time at all: this one was by far more fun.

"Hori, do you know my sister? This is Touka."

"We know each other," Hori stated with little emotion.

Touka's head tilted as she tried to recall why the young face looked familiar.

Before she could say anything further, Hinami was caught and dragged away by a group of numerous children, pleading with her to play. Hinami gave Hori a sympathetic smile, an apology for having to leave her on her own.

Hori just hoped her face didn't betray her discomfort.

"Kirish- uh, Kaneki-san," Hori corrected. "I, uh...never really got to thank you for your help."

"Huh? Help with what?"

"Saving Tsukiyama."

Touka paused in thought, then snorted a laugh. "You're talking about almost ten years ago at this point, kid," she waved her hand dismissively. "You don't owe me anything, don't worry about it." 

"You did a lot for me," Hori reiterated. "For someone you don't care about."

"Friends are friends, even if they're annoying and stupid."

"We're not friends."

"I meant Tsukiyama and me. You made it fairly clear then that you and I aren't friends."

"No, we're not. But, I'm grateful to you, regardless."

"You're a weird one, aren't you...I can't tell if you hate me or not," Touka commented, feeling impartial herself. 

"That makes two of us."

In the estate’s halls, Kaneki found himself against a wall to catch his breath. The event was nice, but suffocatingly busy. The number of people overwhelmed him- being that it wasn’t an event for him made the attention all the more uncomfortable. Attention seemed to follow him, inevitably, but taking the spotlight from Hinami was the last thing he wanted to do during a celebration for her. 

“I know it’s a larger home than most,” Shuu said, voice echoing against empty halls adding to the effect, “but I can’t imagine it’s  _ that  _ easy to get lost.”

“Hey.”

“Hey,” Shuu joined Kaneki against the wall, head tilted to examine the younger man’s exhausted expression. “Not having fun, I take it?”

“No, no, it’s great. I’m just...always getting asked questions and tailed and, I just needed to step out and catch my breath. It’s weird, I can give these ‘great’ speeches and lead people but put me in a crowded room and I lose my nerve.”

“Speeches are easy, socializing, well that’s a different story.”

Kaneki laughed softly, murmuring about how this much as true, and glanced at Shuu from the corner of his eye, studying him briefly.

"It is just your friends and family, though, so hopefully there's not too much pressure."

"Just don't like crowds, that's all."

"I suppose that much is true...I heard you spent almost your whole wedding up on the rooftop, only came down when you had enough to drink."

Kaneki laughed. "Enough wine and even I can be social," he said, then felt uncomfortable by his own admission. He cleared his throat with an awkward cough. "Funny though, I heard you disappeared not long after your speech."

"...Guess neither of us really enjoyed the party."

"Guess not."

"...What?" Shuu asked after noticing the third or fourth glance and the odd silence between them.

"...I just...Are you doing okay?"

"Of course, why?"

"It's just, uhm, well I know that last quarter's losses, all the money and resources we used just to have so many, uh, well so many died anyway, and I just, I don't know how to put this without being weird."

"I see that," Shuu teased with a laugh.

"I just noticed that you seem to have lost a lot of weight again."

That laugh and teasing air was dropped immediately. Lips pursed to a tight line, Shuu avoided eye contact as he tried to assure his  _ king _ he was fine, that he didn't need to worry. 

"...I won't pressure you to talk about it."

"Nothing to discuss," Shuu tried to sound reassuring. "We should head back though, non? I'm sure Hinami will want us all there when she opens her presents."

Kaneki nodded and let Shuu lead him back to the overcrowded room.

Touka watched as Hori wandered around the crowded hall, obviously out of place amongst Hinami's family and friends.

"Hinami?" Touka spoke up, nodding her head towards Hori. "Hina, you're not actually  _ friends _ with her, right?"

Hinami looked surprised, head tilted in confusion. "What? Of course, why would I-"

Touka sighed. "You've got a big heart, but you trust too easily."

"What do you mean?"

"Chie's a long time friend of Tsukiyama-"

" _ Who,  _ we've all agreed, has changed," Hinami defended.

"Yes, well I guess but still,  _ he _ might have, but she's not someone you should trust. Something's off about her."

Hinami wasn't sure how far back this animosity went, how intertwined these people's lives all had been before she was even in the picture. She rested her hand on her stomach, anxious as she felt overwhelmed trying to piece bits of a puzzle together.

Touka sighed again, hugging her sister tight. "Sorry, I'm not trying to stress you out. It's the last thing you need right now. I just worry about you. I don't want to see you get hurt because you put your trust in the wrong people. You're  _ so _ trusting, it's going to make you a great mom, I know that this kid will be able to come to you with anything. But you have to make sure the people around you have your best interest in mind, and not their own."

Touka gave her another squeeze, a soft smile, and left the mother-to-be to join her husband as he returned to the parlor with Shuu.

Hinami felt as though she were caught in the crossfire. Torn between a past she wasn't a part of and a present she didn't understand, she had no idea who she should be trusting, and if being  _ too trusting _ was really the worst thing she could be.

Someone so tall and vibrant shouldn't have been so difficult to find, but Hori was surprised that she couldn't spot Shuu amongst the crowd of the parlor. She intended to complain about certain members of the guest list, but the host was nowhere to be found. 

Hori was left alone,  _ lonely _ rather, and frustrated.

And that was only made worse when she finally did find Shuu, leading Kaneki back to the parlor. Hori felt-

She didn't know what to call what she felt, but the soft expression on her friend's face as he tailed and followed Kaneki- and the  _ audacity,  _ she felt, for him to be so cruel as to return the favor, an equally pitying smile and soft eyes and-

Hori realized there was no place for her here. She made sure to leave her gift for Hinami on the table with all the other, surely better gifts, and slipped past the host and the woman of the hour and all their friends and family, and escaped the manor altogether.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> End of part one!  
> You'll likely need to break into my house and beat the shit out of me for the rest of this story. I am struggling to even open the document, let alone write.  
> But if you've stuck around, just know I love and appreciate you


	9. Part II: Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "'Cause I've seen love die way too many times, when it deserved to be alive.   
> And I've seen you cry way too many times, when you deserved to be alive."  
> -"Emergency" by Paramore

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning for suicide discussion

_ The weeks after Kaneki’s ‘death’ were a roller coaster. The Gourmet was inconsolable; no one could go into his room, not Kanae, not Hori, not even his father. All that could be heard were screams and cries and absolute agony. By a month after Kaneki’s ‘death’, he was nothing but withdrawal and a novacaine strength numb. At that point, Hori recalled, people could come and go as they pleased without so much as a glance. There was no emotion, it was as though he had run dry until the late, late nights when cries could be heard again, weaker this time.  _

_ And everything after that was misery. An unchanging room with drawn curtains and blankets pulled up to his jaw and the lost, will-less look in his eyes, if one was lucky enough to catch him while awake.  _

_ Hori spent her free time here, just as she did before. She would come in four, five, maybe six times a week, crawl onto the california king mattress and settle herself in on top of the comforter that buried her friend. Each visit was the same, she would just speak to him, as though it were old times. Hori would hold one-sided conversations, sometimes for hours at a time, with just the  _ hope _ that Shuu might stir. She would break through every now and then, for at least a few minutes. Those days were victories, but they were few and far between.  _

_ The home’s atmosphere was tense at all times, but after almost a year of his withdrawal, Hori slowly noticed that servants would whisper and congregate. She would hear bits and pieces like “still nothing” “nothing seems good enough,” “not even a bite,” and she often wondered what the buzz was. That was, until one day that Kanae was leaning against Shuu’s door to block her entrance. _

_ “Human.” was a normal greeting from him. Hori now feels an almost endearing memory of Kanae’s blunt but dramatic way of interacting with her. _

_ “Sup?” _

_ “It might be getting a touch dangerous for you to be so brazen.”  _

_ “Hm?” _

_ “It’s only a matter of time before it gets to him, and you coming in so often is nothing but an opportunity waiting to happen. Not to say I would care if anything happened to you, I just know Shuu-sama cares for you for whatever reason.” _

_ “The hell are you talking about?” _

_ “Are you not aware? Shuu has been refusing food for months now. Hasn’t eaten anything since the halfling died.” _

_ Hori’s eyebrows knit together. “You’re telling me the ‘gourmet’ won’t eat?” _

_ “A terribly painful irony. If it’s a tragic ending he’s hoping for, I’m sure he’ll be satisfied.” _

_ “Thanks for the tip,” Hori muttered, brushing past Kanae and closing the door behind her. She sighed deeply, then took her spot on the bed. “Your cousin’s weird as hell, you know that?” _

_ “Mm.” _

_ “Oh, look at you, awake for once. How you doing there?” _

_ “Hori…” _

_ “Yeah?” Hori waited for what was likely minutes, but felt like an eternity. It had to have been months at that point she last heard him speak, his voice was obviously rough and hoarse from underuse, so she stayed patient.  _

_ “...Can I...tell you something?” _

_ “Yeah, of course. Anything.” _

_ “I wish...he would have killed me.” _

_ “...Well, for what it’s worth...I’m happy he didn’t. Because I still have my best friend.” _

_ “I’m hardly alive…" _

_ Hori was not a physical person, touch was rarely something she enjoyed, but something came over her. Hori reached her hand to the ghoul, lightly brushing through his hair with her fingers. “It’ll be okay, Shuu,” she murmured.  _

_ Maybe she was closer than normal, she wondered, after noticing that this was the clearest she had seen his face in so long. Hollow, empty, and lifeless. Sunk cheekbones and gaunt dark circles and a protruding jawline. He’s hardly alive, she mentally agreed. For the first time, she wasn’t sure what else to say, she couldn’t carry the conversation. Maybe because there was nothing else she could offer? She decided to instead try and address something- _

_ “I take it the, uh, medications aren’t working very well? Your dad said you weren’t keen on taking them in the first place, but…” But a quick glance at the side table showed how well they were working; numerous full bottles, untouched, with various labels and names.  _

_ “There is...no getting better...without him.”  _

_ “Come on, man, that’s not true. You’ve got so much still going for you,” she tried to assure him while running her hand through his hair again. She could feel him just barely lean into the touch. That at least seemed to be a start. “Kanae...said you’re not really eating. What’s up with that?” _

_ “Doesn’t matter,” _

_ “It does. The Great Gourmet can’t be without a good meal. Come on, are these people just not picking the right ‘prey’ for you? I can give ‘em a hand, I think I know your tastes pretty wel-” _

_ “It doesn’t matter.” _

_ She sighed. At least he’s talking, she reasoned. Hori slid down, laying beside him. She pulled the blankets away from his face, though he didn’t budge in the least.  _

_ “Come on, Shuu, it does.” Hori examined his face, and noted he looked even closer to death from here.  _

_ He shook his head, a movement so minimal it would have been missed.  _

_ “...Please just tell me why you’re not eating.” _

_ “I want to die.” _

_ “What?” _

_ “It’s the only...way I can...I’m not...strong enough to find...any other way.” _

_ “...You’re serious. You’re trying to kill yourself.” _

_ “Not much...kills a ghoul.” _

_ Hori laid in silence for a long time, unsure of what she should be saying. It wasn't something she expected and something she was not well versed in. In hindsight, she's since thought of a million things she wished she had said. But in that moment, Hori was without words. It ruminated and the longer the silence sat over the room, the more Hori had to realize Shuu wasn't the only one crying. _

_ "C-come on, Shuu, you can't mean that." She worried that she might have waited too long, that he might have fallen back to sleep- ‘oh please don't be asleep, please don't be too late.’ _

_ "...I thought...about everything...I could have done." She heard him let out a long, agonized breath. "I just wish he would have killed me." _

_ "Yeah, but Shuu,  _ starving  _ yourself sounds...it just sounds like you're trying to torture yourself to death." _

_ "How fitting." _

_ "No, come on," her voice was soft, almost a sob. Hori rarely cried, so rare that she nearly didn't recognize her own voice breaking. "It-It's been over a year Shuu, you gotta let him go. He's gone but you're still here and you've got so much to, to live for and…" she shook her head. "I don't ever want to lose my best friend." _

_ "I'm sorry." _

_ "I don't want you to be sorry, I want you to get better, to eat again, to live your life." _

_ "...I'm sorry, Hori." _

_ "You're going to eat," she decided, shifting her weight so she laid more on her side. She rolled up her sleeve, then jammed her forearm into his face. "I know you've never really had an interest, but, well, go ahead. I'm not the fanciest of prey but it's something." _

_ Shuu withdrew even further, but the change to black and red was confirmation of what she already knew, and what Kanae was talking about. ‘It’s getting to him.’ "...I can't think of anywhere that mouse is a delicacy, but I'm sure there is one." _

_ "No." _

_ "I'm not letting you die." _

_ Tsukiyama let out a long, shaky breath through clenched teeth. His eyes screwed shut. Chie pressed her arm to his lips again, before giving up and letting it drop to the bed. "...You're a stubborn bastard, you know that?" _

_ Tsukiyama made a noise reminiscent of a bark, a harsh sound caught in his throat that Chie realized was meant to be a laugh. _

_ "And you're...a mischievous little mouse." _

_ // _

_ Hori stepped into the manor to be greeted with chaos. Servants buzzing and running, Hori tried to get one's attention long enough to ask what was happening. No one had time for her, so she went to join Shuu. _

_ Kanae was in his room as well, watching Shuu with an expression more worrying than normal. Once Hori stepped in, Kanae's head snapped to her; he quickly approached and pushed her out of the room. "It's not a good time." _

_ "What, why?" _

_ "Tsukiyama-sama has been eating-" _

_ Hori's eyes lit up. "What? That’s good! Good, awesome, that's great news." she patted his arm, then pushed passed Kanae and darted back into the room, Kanae's voice called to her to get back out if she didn't want to get hurt. _

_ Shuu was upright, for the first time in what must have been months, at least while she was here.  _

_ Hori was normally the most attentive person in a room, but her excitement blinded her. _

_ "Hey!" She greeted him while she approached the bed. "Hey, how are you feeling, big guy?" _

_ His breathing was labored, he wore only a robe but was covered in sweat in the cold bedroom, and his eyes were black. _

_ Hori waited patiently, but when it was obvious he couldn't respond, she climbed up onto the bed in front of him, settling down on crossed legs. She again waited, watching his mouth move but not form words. _

_ 'his room smells awful' she finally picked up. It hasn't been great, with a near comatose man whose servants can only fight him so often to leave the bed to bathe him, but this was bad.  _

_ "... I'm hungry." _

_ "Yeah, I bet, you haven't eaten in, like, a year." _

_ Tsukiyama's jaw would open and close but it seemed to Hori he wasn't able to speak. _

_ "Well, I'm really happy, I think this is a good start. If you keep eating, maybe you'll get some of your strength back, and we can go out again. I miss when we were able to just hang out, get coffee, wander around the city, you know?" _

_ As the door to the room opened, Matsumae and Kanae entered. Hori turned to greet them. She noticed the increasing anxiety on both of their faces- for Kanae, that could be the dramatics, but Matsumae was always so calm. What could be worrying her? Shuu was finally starting to get better, this should be happ- _

_ But it wasn't, and Hori figured that out too late. While her attention was on his family, Shuu's hunger overcame him. his kagune nearly exploded from his shoulder, and he lurched towards her, tackling her from the bed and pinning her to the wall by her throat with his arm, kagune poised and ready to tear her to pieces. Hori didn't have time to react, not even scream, before Matsumae was trying to pry him away, pleading for him to calm down. Helpless, Hori struggled against the forearm pressing into her throat, cutting off her airway, but felt the weapon move. The kagune snuck beneath his arm and braced against her chest, digging in with enough force to slice her shirt clean to reveal her collarbone. Hori was only able to stare in terror in her friend's lifeless eyes while Matsumae called for Kanae to assist. Her kagune wrapped around the spiralized weapon protruding from Shuu, struggling. Though Matsumae wasn't able to pry him off, it took his attention from her, saving her from a near fatal bite. Matsumae acted as a distraction while Kanae disarmed Shuu, stabbing some kind of needle to the ghoul’s neck and rendering him unconscious almost instantly. As he fell aside, his grip released, and the bladed end of the kagune dropped, catching and slicing through Hori's skin from her shoulder to mid chest. Hori fell to the ground with a hard thud, clutching her throat and wheezing. Her free hand clutched her shoulder, trying to hold the layers of skin together. Matsumae attended to the injured photographer while Kanae lovingly brought his master back into bed, covering Shuu back under the covers. _

_ // _

_ Matsumae pierced the hooked needle through skin, pulling the thread as tight as needed to reclose Hori’s shoulder. The wound was deep enough that the skin could be pinched back together, but not deep enough to show bone. With another tight pull, Matsumae closed the first stitch, watching Hori’s expression change from dissociation to a grimace in pain.  _

_ “I apologize, Ms. Chie,” she spoke as she began working on the next stitch.  _

_ “H-how” Hoi’s voice croaked, she wheezed and cleared her throat. “How do you know...how to do this?” Her voice was barely above a whisper, but in the tense quiet of the home, Matsumae could hear everything from her heart pulsing to the quiet whimpers that would escape.  _

_ “I had to learn first aid and CPR to become a teacher at yours and Shuu-sama’s school. I took an interest in it and pursued it more on my own. I do admit, this is not something I am well trained in, but I hope it should be enough.” _

_ “Why didn’t you just bring me to a hospital?” _

_ “We have to preserve the Tsukiyama name. I can’t let anyone know that you were attacked by a ghoul here, lest we bring suspicion.” _

_ “You know I would  _ never-”

“ _ It’s merely a precaution.” She tugged and tied another stitch. “To speak personally, I am very fond of you. I know Mirumo-sama is as well. And thus, I want to ensure you are safe as well as the family. Precautions must be taken.” _

_ // _

_ Hori, Matsumae and Kanae sat together in the sitting room, a painful silence over them- for Hori, more than anyone. She sat lifelessly in front of a cup of tea, long since steaming, staring at the abyss the table cloth pattern provided. Kanae sighed. Had she an ounce more strength in her, Hori likely would have given him a  _ much  _ harder time about his attitude- it wasn't like she hadn't noticed his indifference towards her near death experience, and his inaction until called upon by Matsumae.  _

_ Matsumae idly swished her cup of coffee, deep in thought, before she finally placed the cup into the saucer. _

_ "Chie," she started, "it...may not be in your best interest to return." _

_ "I-" her voice was strained, painful to use. She cleared her throat before trying again. "I'm not leaving." She winced, swallowing again. _

_ "Chie, we really do appreciate all you've done for Shuu-sama," Matsumae assured, speaking on behalf of a disagreeing Kanae. "...but it's not safe, and I don't think it will be any safer for you to try again in the near future. It's been just over a year since we know of his last meal. I worry that such a long period of starvation is only going to cause endless hunger, and unfortunately as we've seen, it doesn't seem to differentiate prey from loved ones." _

_ Hori's hands grasped the fabric of her pants in tight fists. Did she really come all this way just to give up now? _

_ But she was afraid of death. Bold as she was, she was truly afraid of dying. Her shoulder hurt, her throat hurt, and she was afraid. _

_ And this was the first time she felt fear of a ghoul- the added heartbreak coming from the fact it was her only real friend in this world. She felt alone, and scared. _

_ She clutched at her bandaged shoulder, feeling how the pressured pain was relieving in its own way. "...fine." she choked out. Kanae tried to restrain the smirk that formed on his face, only adding insult to injury. Hori glared from the corner of her eye. "...but don't think for a  _ damn _ second, that this is the last you're seeing of me." Her voice faded out towards the end, but the anger in her words carried her through. No way in hell, she thought, is this the end for her. _

_ Matsumae smiled. "We look forward to it." _

_ Text incoming: _ ‘hey, idk what happened, I didn't see you leave, did you bounce early?’

_ Text incoming: _ ‘because, it’s totally cool if you did! I just wanted to make sure I wasn’t rude and missed you somehow.’

_ Text incoming: _ ‘because you’re my friend!’

Hori silently prayed that Hinami would give up, would leave her be and drop the subject entirely. 

It had been a week since the party, since Hori left without telling either of her friends- her  _ only two friends,  _ she corrected- why she left early. Hori didn’t tell them because she wasn’t so sure herself. 

Jealousy, she considered, but of what? Hinami and her overwhelmingly large and loving family? Of her friends and how much they protected and cared for her? Of how beautiful she looked despite her constant insistence she couldn’t possibly be beautiful when feeling so bloated and pregnant?

Absurd, Hori thought. Hori never cared about others or liked being surrounded by others, or what they thought of her. She didn’t care if there would never be that many people in attendance for her own party or if they liked her or if Touka ever ‘approved’ of Hinami being Hori’s friend.

But Hori felt bitter nonetheless. 

_ Text incoming: _ ‘you missed out on the party games! That was pretty fun. Ayato won and Tsukiyama had this sash for the winner and made Ayato wear it and he HATED it LOL’

What made people like Hinami? People with endless kindness and morality, a sugar sweet core despite trauma and heartache?

_ Text incoming: _ ‘and the photo album you left for me was so beautiful, I can’t wait to fill it, cover to cover.’

_ Text incoming: _ ‘I hope I can hire your expertise some time...even if you don’t like baby pictures :p’

Why was Hori bitter about the party, when she knew Hinami did nothing wrong? When she was so happy, so  _ touched _ to have been invited at all?

_ Text incoming: [picture downloading] _ Tsukiyama had a ‘photobooth’ area, so I made him and Ken take pictures with me! Tsukiyama is a really pretty model, I can see why you’ve made him work for you for so long.’

The moment the picture downloaded, to the sweet image of the three of them, close and huddled, how dear and beautiful they looked together, like a family, how Shuu always seemed to look at Ken- 

Hori threw her phone across the studio apartment and ignored the numerous buzzes afterwards.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's my story and I can add as much non-canon details as I want. I remember I was really bothered by the way that Hori was written, obviously caring enough about Shuu to go through the work of trading with the Quinx, but never actually...being with Shuu. I'm still convinced the only reason she didn't give Sasaki's clothes to Shuu herself, the only reason she would have gone through Kanae, is because it was too dangerous, and something happened, and that's where I get to ad-lib.   
> I hope you like flashbacks...Part 2 is lots of flashbacks, lots of reminiscing.   
> And as always, please know that if you've read this far, I love you (especially the two of you that comment each chapter. I nearly cried when I got TWO comments, and felt motivated enough to actually write three more chapters)  
> Sorry for rambling, thank you for reading, drink your water and take your meds, okay have a good day


	10. Part II: Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “So here’s to starting over, we could be the same. Well change it all together, the future's mine to claim."  
> -"A toast to the future kids!" by emarosa

Hinami waited, flipping her phone open and close with little hope left that her texts would be answered. With each message she sent, she worried if she was adding more insult to injury. 

She had regret sending a picture of Shuu and Ken together immediately, wishing she could have taken it back. She considered the insensitivity on her part, when just the day before her shower, Hori spoke with so much pain in her voice about the relationship the two men shared- or didn't, really- and how helpless she obviously felt.

Everyone in Hinami's life was touched in some way by Kaneki, whether directly or indirectly. And despite the years of agony he endured, and all who endured with him, he was beloved. Beloved, dearly and sincerely, and Hinami had no doubts or second thoughts on why that was. 

He was good at heart, and wanted the world to be a better place for the people he cared about. And he changed everyone around him. Tsukiyama himself was a selfish and manipulative person but now-

But now Hinami realized that love is a complex term and not everyone was as lucky as she was.

"You look just a bit too deep in thought," Ayato commented, sitting beside her on the rooftop. "What're you doing up here alone?"

"Needed air, just for a little bit. I've been thinking about our family."

"Current or future?"

"Both, I guess," she said, smiling at the thought. "How lucky of us. When I was young...I really didn't consider that this would be possible; to live on the 'surface,' to raise a family, to...to just be able to live."

"Well, let's not consider ourselves too lucky," he muttered with typical pessimism. "Things are better but we've still got to be careful."

"It's getting there," Hinami reassured. "It really is, it's getting there." 

But her reassurances were interrupted as she suddenly gasped, bent forward clutching her stomach and groaned in pain. 

Ayato was ready to panic, but she brushed it off as an unusually painful cramp. She took labored breaths until the pain evened out to a dull ache through her lower back, with Ayato watching her every movement with intense scrutiny.

"Sure you're okay there?"

"Yeah, I don't know what that was. I'm fine though," she tried to sound believable.

//

On the other side of the city, Hori laid on the edge of her apartment building, hanging dangerously close to the edge. She watched the city below move and sway through the viewfinder, snapping individual moments.

The city could hardly hold her interest. She sighed as she reminisced on better days. 

_ Tsukiyama rested his back on the tree. “Little mouse, come down. I have work for you.” _

_ Upside down, Chie’s head emerged from the branches, face to face with him. “How much?” _

_ “Can we call this one a personal favor?” _

_ “Meaning you’re going to short change me,” Chie stated, and pulled herself back upright. She pulled her legs up and over the branch, before seating herself, legs kicking gently.  _

_ “Not necessarily. I just have more of a personal interest here. Your reward could be greater than the last, or worse depending on what you can come up with.” _

_ “And what is this personal favor?” _

_ “I need information on a boy, a new employee at the Anteiku cafe.” _

_ “Can’t get your own date to the restaurant?” _

_ “Hush you. Will you take it?” _

_ “What kind of information?” _

_ “Everything. I need his schedule, his friends, his interests. I need to make a good first impression.” _

_ Chie leaned forward, peering at him from above. “What’s the big occasion?” _

_ “This one’s going to be special. That scent is something remarkable, something exquisite. I want it. I need an entree with intrigue.” _

_ Chie hummed thoughtfully. “So, just some normal stalking?” _

_ “Just enough for me to use. I need a common interest, a reason to approach him. The rabbit is already suspicious of me, and I won’t be able to get close in there. I need an outside source, a location other than the cafe. He looks young, maybe in college. I need to know when he’s there, when he’s working, what he does in between and who he talks to.” _

_ “You’re a real pain,” she complained as she leapt from the branch, landing in a slight crouch. She straightened her back, brushed off her clothes, and spun to face him. “Alright, but this better be worth it. You’re not asking for a small tidbit, you know.” _

_ “Get me my prize and you’ll be paid handsomely.”  _

//

Hinami could only avoid the pain for an hour or so later, the same pain caught her off guard and caused Hinami's knees to buckle. Focusing on breathing, deep, heaving breathing, was the only way she was able to keep herself upright. 

A half hour after that, and the same pain again. And again and again. Ayato began eyeing the clock, a terrible feeling nagging at him. 

"Hinami, these are getting to be just a bit too well timed for my liking," he finally said after the cramps overtook her on a regular, ten minute schedule. 

"No, no, I'm fine," she tried to assure him. "I'm, I'm just going to lay down for a bit."

"What if we just had ya lay down on a hospital bed?"

"It's too early for me to be in labor, Ayato."

"Does, uh, does the baby know that?"

She shushed him, laying on the couch and rubbing her stomach, biting back the urge to moan in pain and worry him further.

//

_ The following weeks were filled with borderline criminal activity and expert level stalking. Chie tailed the half ghoul from location to location, with photos and notes to follow. Her expert work was nearly complete, just needing the prints to be developed. Her studio apartment was boarded up, the windows blocked out completely, in such a way she would surely be given a violation for blocking her only other form of egress. The room, once blacked out, was a perfect environment for developing images she would rather not risk exposing to the outside world - images of ghouls, hunts, gore or violence would serve to only lower her already low status in society.  _

_ Tsukiyama knocked, once, twice, and a third time impatiently. "Mouse, open up, I need you." _

_ She groaned in annoyance. "You have to wait! What a concept!" _

_ "What could be more important than me?" _

_ "A lot of things!" She shouted through the door. Tsukiyama took the door handle, trying to turn it prematurely. "Tsukiyama-kun, I swear to God, if you open that door before this film is properly exposed, I'm going to-" _

_ "Going to what? What could you possibly do to me?" He huffed, giving up on the lock. He considered breaking the door off the hinges, but the potential for her neighbors to complain was too great.  _

_ The door finally swung in, and Tsukiyama was greeted by an overwhelming smell of chemicals and the aggravated expression on Hori's face.  _

_ "Fucking Christ, Chie, what is that? Did something die in there?" _

_ "What, the developer?" _

_ "Fuck, do you not have any kind of ventilation? Your lungs must look as bad as your father's did." _

_ "What do you want?" _

_ "I want what I paid for." _

_ "Ha. You haven't paid me." _

_ "Not the point. I need it." _

_ Hori braced her hands on either side of the door frame and leaned forward. "I don't give a shit. Pay me, or leave." _

_ "When did you become such a bitch?" _

_ "Same time you became a selfish asshole, buh-bye!" She pushed back and tried to slam the door shut, but Tsukiyama moved his foot to block it from closing. He sighed. _

_ "Alright, alright, fine, I'll pay you. I need the notes, and the prints. What have you got?" _

_ Hori glared, torn between further telling him off and giving him the requested papers just to get him away. _

_ 'when,' she wondered, 'did our friendship turn into this?'  _

_ She sighed, and reopened the door. “The pictures are drying now. You’ll have to wait.” _

_ “I won’t be able to wait in here. I can’t believe you live like this.” _

_ “Fuck off.” _

//

Hinami's eyes squeezed closed, seething through her teeth in pain. She sat on the bathroom floor alone, after pleading with Ayato to leave her be long enough to let her take a bath. He was anxious, worried that something was wrong and motivated to help, a notion she found noble but aggravating.

_ I'm just cranky _ , she told herself, feeling guilty. It was so rare that the stoic man admitted to being afraid, to show fear and worry, and she could only be upset with herself for being angry at him for it.

So she insisted on taking a bath to relax, to further protect the both of them from pregnant mood swings and whatever havoc their baby-to-be decided to wreck tonight.

Said baby was persistent in causing Hinami as much pain as possible, leaving her naked and struggling to hoist herself into the tub.

"Come one, little one, work with me here," she pleaded, giving it another go. Her cramps gave her enough of a window of relief that she could sink herself into the tub, submerged in near scalding water. "Thank you, thank you," she murmured, rubbing her stomach.

Hot water did little to help the pains when they came. If she just focused harder, if she just even out her breathing, Hinami felt sure this would all pass. She just needed to be patient, the pain would go away and she could go to sleep. Everything would be okay once she relaxed, and the cramping would subside.

But it didn't. 

//

_ This kid wants everything," Hori complained to herself, as she multitasked her work and daily living. The studio hosted a small kitchenette, a counter with a hot plate really, along the same wall as the door. The counter was hidden beneath piles of prints and papers, a cutting board and food, rolls of film and developer trays alike.  _

_ Hori was less surprised than she should have been as the only window in the apartment was unlatched, a breeze spilling in. _

_ "You always talk to yourself when cooking?" _

_ "I dunno, do you always break into my home?" _

_ "Only when you stop answering my calls," Shuu answered, taking a seat on the futon. "Over a week now and I don't get the luxury of a text?" _

_ "I don't have anything new to report. Not much to talk about." _

_ Shuu sighed. "Ever consider I'm not just calling for work?" _

_ "You're not." _

_ "I could be." _

_ "But you're not." _

_ Shuu leaned back, sighing again. "The doctor, he keeps well hidden I assume." _

_ "Not like there's an ad in the paper for 'deranged doctor who experiments on unlucky college kids.'"  _

_ Shuu sighed again, leaning against the edge of the futon. “You know, Chie, we really were once good friends. What happened to that?” _

_ Hori mentally walked a thin line between maintaining status quo and confrontation. Curses and accusations pleaded to escape past her lips, names she never dared say poised on the tip of her tongue. _

_ “Don’t know…” she finally muttered. “I really don’t.” _

_ “It’s not too late, you know. To be friends again, I mean.” _

_ But was that what she really wanted... _

//

Late into the night, the sound of music playing through headphones was all that was audible in the studio apartment, until the lone window was opened from the outside, pried hard against the sill. A figure slipped in with little effort, a careful hoist over the sill and onto the futon directly beneath it.

Hori slept soundly, unaware of the unannounced visitor until she felt the weight of her futon shift. With heavy effort, she pulled her eyelids open, only enough to catch the shine of carmine eyes in the moonlight-

And swiftly kicked at him in surprise. "Shuu, what the  _ fuck!" _

He brushed off her attacks. "Desperate times. Don't know how to answer your phone anymore? I see it still works," he complained, picking up said device by the headphone wires attached. "A week straight and you haven't answered a single text or call. Did I do something to piss you off?"

First ready on the defensive, Hori sighed, realizing her treatment of him was especially unfair. 

"No, no, sorry. I've just been...in a weird mood lately."

He hummed, seemingly in agreement, and sat back onto her futon. "Well, now that I have you, get ready. Hinami's in the hospital."

"What? What are you talking about? She's only seven months or so. She shouldn't be due for another eight weeks."

"'Shouldn't be' is the key term here. Seems our little one has different plans."

"...Alright, just, turn around. Let me get changed, two minutes."

Shuu impatiently tapped his foot on the floor of the car, dialing various people and cursing everyone in the Kaneki and Kirishima families for not having their phones on them.

"You're just working yourself up," Hori remarked, stretching back and yawning. She elbowed at him as he made biting comments about the driver, reminding him that Tokyo's traffic is  _ well _ out of the driver's, and his, control.

"I'm  _ worried _ !" 

"Yeah, I know," she agreed. "I am too. But freaking out while stuck in traffic's just going to give you crows feet."

Shuu reached to the corners of his eye, muttering that he couldn't help worrying. "I just wish one of them would answer me."

She patted his shoulder, reminding him to be patient. 

"What's that Italian word you like? 'cammado?'"

" _ Calmato." _

"Yeah, that. Do that."

He sighed, frustrated, and leaned back into his seat.

With each moment, despite her efforts to calm him, Hori grew more annoyed. The impatient bounce of Shuu's leg rocked the car ever so slightly, he would lock and unlock his phone, the huffs and pouts-

"Can you  _ please,"  _ she finally began losing her long-fused temper. "For the love of  _ God-" _

His phone interrupted her, lighting up as 'Kaneki Ken' displayed across the top. 

"Ken?" Shuu answered with urgency.

_ 'Ken?'  _ Hori though incredulously. ' _ Ken, we're on a first name basis, 'Ken' _

Hori tried swallowing back that aggravation to eavesdrop. Kaneki spoke too softly, much to her dismay, but the sudden relaxing of Shuu's shoulders was enough of an indication, Hinami was okay. 

"Good, good," Shuu murmured. "Baby and mama are doing well?" He asked, then sighed in relief. 

Hori leaned back, letting out a breath she didn't realize she held. She didn't realize how tense she really was until she knew Hinami was okay. 

Shuu and Kaneki spoke for a few moments, mostly pleasantries, before Shuu finally told him an ETA, and let the call end.

"They're fine, they're okay," he spoke more as an assurance to himself.

"Good to hear. So, boy or girl?"

"Oh, I probably should have asked…"

"Shuu."

"I'll text him."

Hori sighed in annoyance.

"Well," he redirected. "Since we have a bit more time, we should stop and get flowers."

"And maybe coffee?"

"And coffee," he agreed, before scooting up to give the chauffeur the change of plans. 


	11. Part II: Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Hold your tongue, it doesn’t own you (or does it by default?). You can’t pretend it’s not weighing you down or that you even really want me around (‘cause you don’t!)”  
> -"Vanity's fair" by a lot like birds

Hori walked blindly through the hospital ward, hoping that others would see her over the bouquet and redirect themselves.  _ 'It wouldn't be Shuu if it wasn't excessive,'  _ she thought with some dismay as she struggled with the ornate and bulky vase.

It was with blind faith that she followed Shuu through the bright hospital halls, through the maternity ward and to Hinami's room. 

"Oh my God, Tsukiyama, nooo," Hinami's voice was slightly slurred, and the obvious exhaustion wore her usual chipper tone down to earth. "Oh my God, we won't even have room for these. Is that Chie?" 

Hori tried to peek above the vase, though realized putting it down likely would have been wiser. "Hey Hina."

"Chie, oh my God, you came too! 'Yato, 'Yato, look Chie's here too."

"I see that."

"How are you feeling?" Shuu asked.

"Man, I'm feeling great," Hinami said, a lopsided grin on her face. "First I thought I was gonna die, then I was  _ sure  _ I was gonna die, then they stuck a needle in my back and everything's been pretty okay since then."

"Seems like ghoul dosing for, uh, epidurals isn't quite the same…" Ayato spoke softly, brushing through Hinami's hair gently. Hori noted that for the tough act he normally seemed to have, he was soft with her.  _ Endearing _ . "I think they might of bumped it up to help with her high tolerance, but now-"

"Now I just need about a week's worth of sleep," Hinami finished, with a yawn to make her point. 

“And where is the little one?” Shuu asked.

"So, so, what is it? Boy or girl?" Hori asked as she joined Hinami's side.

"Boy. Kirishima Minato,” Hinami spoke softly. “They’re doing tests and stuff...since he’s born so early, he’s kind of tiny, but he seems to be healthy.”

"No princess, huh?"

"Hori," Shuu snapped.

"Not this time," Hinami replied with a sleepy grin. "We'll see about the next one."

"Next one? What's this 'next one?'" Ayato asked. "Didn't you scare me enough with this one?"

"These are so pretty," Hinami said instead, feeling the petals of the flower bouquet between her fingers. "I'm sure you know what these all mean?"

"I do," Shuu rested against her side table, leaning over to pick out individual flowers from the extravagant bunch. "I'm on a very personal basis with a few florists, so I'm usually allowed to do what I want with their inventory."

"Even at two in the morning. By breaking in." Hori added. 

"I left a note and cash. I'm  _ sure  _ she'll understand. Anyway, not the point. First we have pink and white carnations. You remember these,  _ oui?  _ Carnations are wonderful, each color has its own meaning. Pink is for 'the love of a mother,' and white again, for 'innocence.' The purple, white and yellow of peonies, all make for 'compassion, good health, and prosperity.' And this rare little gem- as rare a gem as you yourself!- is an alstroemeria. These symbolize 'wealth, prosperity and good fortune.'"

“Pretty…” Hinami sighed, drifting to sleep from exhaustion.

Ayato ran his fingers through her hair, murmuring that she should rest. 

“We should let her sleep, Shuu,” Hori whispered. He nodded in agreement, and they quickly slipped away, to let the new mother rest.

//

In another part of the city, another mother, not quite as new as Hinami, chided her daughter for poor manners.

"Aiko-chan, don't eat while you walk," she scolded as her daughter tried to wander around the park. "Stand next to mama and eat...Aiko-chan?" 

She turned in every direction to catch sight of the young girl. She sighed heavily. "Aiko-chan, where did you go?" 

The bushes behind her rustled, and a low growl was heard, like a feral animal. "Aiko-chan, whatever game you're playing, it isn't funny." She pushed through the bushes to find the source, only to turn up empty. 

The feeling that this wasn't a game struck her with sudden panic.

The mother searched. She searched and searched, crying her daughter's name with anxiety bubbling in her chest. She grabbed people passing by, pleading with one of them to have seen her, grabbing a police officer patrolling and convincing him to join until-

Until the only thing they could find was takoyaki.

//

Some time later, Hori found herself praying to a god she didn't believe in.

If there is a hell, Hori thought, if there really is a realm designed purely for suffering, for atonement, it was this. Whether man-made or by a god's wrathful hand, this sick creation was truly the epitome of hell, the personification of a mortals sins, this would be it-

"Hori, it's  _ just _ data entry," Shuu chided.

The piles of envelopes to open, to blindly review, to copy verbatim, just to find that the spreadsheet is off by 0.01 and everything has to be redone, this was  _ definitely _ hell, she decided. 

Weeks and weeks of monotony, Hori wondered if she made a mistake taking a part time job as at all. She spent all of her 20 hours helping Banjou with obscure tasks and fighting to catch Shuu's passing attention.

It was an unfortunate realization, to learn that the working world for most adults was exactly as terrible as she always believed.

//

There was a familiar strain on Kaneki's eyes as they refused to focus on the kanji of the novel he tried to read. Removing his glasses and rubbing at them, he sighed as he was forced to acknowledge the warning sign of the inevitable migraine that was to come. 

"Reading anything interesting?" Shuu asked, leaning down to try and catch a glimpse of the book spine.

Kaneki's eyes scrunched closed with a particularly sharp bolt of pain through his head, but pressed on. "Nothing too great. It's just enough to pass some time."

Shuu's expression softened to deep concern. "Another headache?"

Kaneki gave him a slight nod, testing his sight as he reopened his eyes. The fluorescent lighting of the United Front offices were amplified by the migraines aura, obscuring his sight just slightly, just enough. 

"...You're getting them more and more often. Surely there's something I can do to help?"

"Ah, I appreciate it but I think...this is something I just have to deal with."

"Well...You don't have to deal with everything alone...Please, at least let me take you home. I can call for a cab." With his plea, he hesitantly offered a hand to Kaneki.

Kaneki accepted easily enough and let Shuu assist him up onto his feet. Shuu led Kaneki through the halls of the office building, insisting on draping his jacket over Kaneki's shoulders, and kept a bold hand on Kaneki's back between his shoulder blades- a selfish act, he chided himself, but the payment for helping Kaneki is getting to be close to him in some way or another. Liberties can be taken, every now and then.

Meanwhile, Hori felt buried under the overwhelming number of files. She dumped the heavy folders onto the industrial scanner, and stretched until each vertebrae in her back cracked. As she straightened, she caught sight of Shuu's vibrant mint green coat jacket.

"Hey, Shuu," Hori greeted as they passed her, "After work, do you want to-" 

They passed without acknowledging her. 

Kaneki was obviously in some kind of pain as his hands covered his face. She realized then that Kaneki was the one wearing the garment, as Shuu doted on the younger man. 

She skipped steps to catch up with them, abandoning her files. "Shuu, hey, wait up, I-"

"Not now Hori," he dismissed her with a wave, shooing her away. Shuu clicked the elevator button and added "I'll talk to you later."

"Oh...Yeah, okay. I'll, uhm, I'll talk to you later."

The elevator door opened and the pair were taken to the ground floor without any further pleasantries or goodbyes.

Hori stood in the hallway for only a moment longer before making her way back to her work. She wouldn't be the type to let self pity ruin a reputation of diligence.

Even if it hurt.

//

"Hey Hina," Hori started, spinning the coffee cup on the saucer. "Do your friends...ever...like not talk to you for someone else?"

Hinami sat across Hori at :Re's cafe, up on the high top tables bar stools. Beside her rested Minato's carrier, in which the infant slept soundly with occasional coos.

"I don't understand what you're asking, love," Hinami admitted. 

Hori sighed, embarrassed more than she would admit. "Working with Shuu has been...really aggravating. He's fine when it's just us, but days that Kaneki's in, he doesn't even acknowledge me."

"Oh? That's odd…" Hinami hummed as she thought. "Now that I think of it, Tsukiyama does get pretty fixated on one thing at a time. I can see it…"

"It's  _ annoying _ ," Hori complained. "Hinami, who's your best friend?"

"Well...I don't think I could pick just one. I have a lot of best friends."

"What a milk toast answer," Hori muttered to herself.

Hinami chuckled. "This might be a revolutionary thought, but have you  _ talked  _ with Tsukiyama-san about this?"

“Is there really any hope in talking to men?” Hori asked.

“Not in my opinion,” Touka added as she approached. She placed a plate down in front of Hori, piled high with various dessert options. “Everyone knows if you need something done right, you need a woman to do it.”

“Not really what we were talking about, sis,” Hinami said, though she considered that the advice was still valid here. Touka sat beside Hori, seemingly unaware of the huff the older woman tried to repress, and asked what they  _ were _ talking about then. 

_ Touka was quite aware of Hori's discomfort, reveling in the knowledge that her very existence seemed to piss the older woman off for some reason. _

_ It was fun. _

Hinami was quick enough to write it off as typical ‘boy problems,’ and redirect things to unrelated events.

Hori picked at a pastry with annoyance, unwilling to continue any conversation with the wife of the accused friend-stealer present. Instead, she sat with immature impatience, and listened to Hinami and Touka discuss plans for Ichika’s upcoming birthday party.

She instead silently prayed for a day where she wasn’t reduced to a side character or third wheel. 

//

The manor study was dimly lit as Shuu and Hori sat together drinking. Rather, they sat as Hori slowly nursed one glass as Shuu tore through a bottle on his own.

Hori was surprised Shuu even remembered her, and she was still much too annoyed at him to be concerned for his liver.

‘ _ Have you talked with him about it?’  _ Hinami's voice echoed like a conscience in Hori’s mind, and she sighed deeply. Hori wouldn’t admit, but she was embarrassed by how much mature a woman nearly ten years her junior was than her; Hinami really was a fine young woman, and Hori- well, Hori wasn’t surprised why people still thought she was a child. 

There are times where one must face the music and act their age, she supposed.

But just as she gathered up the mental strength, Shuu spoke first. 

“Kaneki-kun’s really been suffering lately…”

He was too enraptured in his own concerns to realize Hori’s glare piercing through him. 

“Oh?”

“The headaches he suffers with are debilitating.”

“Well, I’m sure Touka’s taking good care of him.” Hori could hear the sneer, and chided herself for how poor her poker face has become. "Hey, uh, speaking of which, I wanted to talk to you about-"

"There must be something more I can do for him," Shuu interrupted. 

Hori bit at the inside of her cheek. "I'm sure you're doing all you can."

Shuu stayed quiet, deep in thought- a dangerous amount of thought.

“Shuu.”

“I just wonder if there’s any way I could do more to help, is all.”

“You do more than plenty. And, he has Touka, remember?”

Shuu let the subject drop, obviously unhappy with the lacking support. “You've made a name for yourself," Shuu informed her instead.

She absently picked at the ornate design of the glass tumbler, frustrated. "How's that?"

"You've managed to not only input all the data we have, but also gave Banjou an analysis?" 

"All I did was put pins on a map. That was what you were going to do with it anyway, isn't it? What good is data if you don't use it? Shuu, can we talk about-"

"It is, but no one asked you to do it. That preemptive move has made the difference. We've found quite a few of the hoard origins thanks to you."

"Oh...Thanks. I-"

"Banjou's going to ask if you'll work full time. I think you'll find it to be well worth it," Shuu spoke with a hint of something- pride? Excitement? Hori couldn't tell but he was seemingly unaware of the look of dread creeping in Hori's expression. "Would you like to guess the number? The salary increase Kaneki's already approved? He, I think more than anyone, wants you on board-"

"I don't want full time," she interrupted, biting back how terribly she wanted to tell him off altogether at this point. 

Shuu stopped, taken aback, before glaring. "This is an opportunity for you, mouse. Are you really going to refuse?"

Hori clutched her glass tight. "I can't do freelance if I'm stuck in an office all the time."

"Sure you can."

" _ No, _ I can't," Hori insisted. "I never wanted full time, you knew that."

Shuu sighed, leaning back in his seat. "Hori, when are you going to start acting your age?"

"Ex...excuse me?" 

"Hori, this is a great chance at a job- a  _ real _ job. Not one that leaves you constantly strapped for cash and barely making rent.” With an impatient huff, Shuu placed the glass down, and added “Though, really, maybe if you didn't spend all of your money on film and cameras, you wouldn't struggle in the first place."

Hori could feel rage surge through her, as the one area of her life that was sacred was desecrated. "You know how important my cameras are to me. I'd live on the streets before I gave up photography." 

"I really can't believe how ungrateful you're being…" Shuu murmured, with an air that Hori could only call 'high and mighty.' "Don't you realize how much of this I arranged for you? How much Kaneki-kun has fought on your behalf, despite how you treat him-"

"Despi- ‘How  _ I  _ treat  _ him’?" _

"-You should be thankful, to Kaneki and to me. Do you really think your photography is enough to get you by forever?"

_ So much for talking. _

"I don't need your handouts, Shuu. I'm fine on my own, and I don't need yours and I  _ don’t  _ need Kaneki's help."

"Don't you want to make your mother happy?"

"How  _ dare _ you, Tsukiyama," she snarled as the last straw broke, a straw she felt Tsukiyama should have known better than to add. 

Hori stood abruptly, snatching up her bag as Shuu scoffed. "Hori, don't be so dramatic."

" _ You  _ of all people don't get to say that" she sneered. She didn't give him a chance to further chide  _ her _ for childishness.

She knew she was acting childish. She didn't need him to remind her as she stormed her way through the estate. She acknowledged it as she snuck around the streets of Tokyo, as she found her way to a rooftop to be alone.

Terribly, bitterly alone.

After hours, the cafe doors creaked open despite the closed sign on display.

“Ken?” Ayato asked into the empty space, hearing the slightest of stirs from behind the cafe’s front. The lights were off aside from a single bar lamp, but Ayato was sure the other was home-

Kaneki appeared in the doorway leading to the kitchen, disoriented like he just woke up and glasses on.

"Ayato?" He asked, removing his glasses to rub at his eyes. "What brings you here?"

"I uh, I wanted to stop by. Is that okay?"

Kaneki insisted it was, welcoming the younger man. He insisted the two sit together, urging Ayato to come and have coffee with him.

"You alright?" Ayato asked as he settled in, noting the pain written into Kaneki's expression despite the polite and friendly manners.

"Hm, finally doing a little better," Kaneki explained as water heated. He stretched as he continued, "I've been a bit out of commission with a migraine, but I finally got some sleep, so it's a little better for right now."

"Explains why the lights are all off…"

Kaneki placed a coffee mug in front of Ayato. “Sorry, but your sister and niece are out, it’s just me home right now," he explained as he sat with his own mug, across from an unusually nervous Ayato.

“That’s...fine. I only need to talk to you.”

“Oh?”

“I...I don’t, uh” Ayato stuttered, bright red and unsure.

Kaneki’s head tilted as he waited, patient.

Ayato cleared his throat and tried again. “Uh, wow okay this is harder to start then I thought it was going to be but, uh, Hinami and I had a conversation, years ago at this point. And I made a, I made a joke about how since neither of us have our parents anymore, I won’t have to do that thing where I ask her dad if I can marry her.”

“Mhm?”

“And, uh well, Hinami laughed, I mean she literally laughed in my face and said, ‘oh no, you have it much worse.’ And I was like ‘what does that mean?’ And she said, ‘you have to ask all three of them for permission.’ And I was like...the fuck does that mean? And  _ mind you _ , this is when we weren’t sure if you were dead. Well, she never really gave up hope, but uh, yeah, she said ‘I don’t have  _ my  _ dad but I have  _ three people who are like dads to me. _ ’”

Kaneki’s expression changed from intrigue to delight. “Tsukiyama, Banjou-”

“And you.” Ayato said, pointing to the half ghoul. “Now, admittedly, I only care what you think. The other two I plan to ask only out of formality, because it’s what she wants. They could tell me ‘no’ and I’ll likely just rip their arms out of their shoulders and beat them with their own limbs.”

“I don’t see them saying no, so hopefully it won’t come to that?” Kaneki chuckled. “Well, despite what Hinami feels, she does not in fact need my permission- she’s an adult, and more than capable of deciding that for herself  _ but... _ that being said, you certainly have my approval.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd be lying if I said I love how this, the previous and the next came out. Everything feels sloppy, but I swear I'm getting to an actual plot point.  
> I really cannot thank you all enough for continuing this with me, it means so so so much and I love and appreciate anyone who reads this, three times over if you've commented even once.  
> Is it annoying for me to constantly say this? Oh well. Thank you !


	12. Part II: Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I never knew what I would if anybody tried to take you away. And your beautiful boy won't wait for you, because he's busy with stars and the fame."  
> -"Cemetery Weather" by isles & glaciers

The bell above the cafe door rang out, just as Ichika spun in the high top barstools. She gasped in excitement, leaping to the floor and dashing across to fling herself into Shuu’s arms. “ _ Hi!”  _ She greeted, laughing as he hoisted her up and onto his hip. 

“How  _ do  _ you do it?” He asked.

“Do what?”

“Get lovelier each time I see you. Ah, here, for a lovely princess, a gift,” Shuu unveiled the single rose he had hid in his inner coat pocket, just for her.

“Tsukiyama,” Touka muttered, coming from the kitchen to greet them. “You can’t steal her for long. She’s supposed to be reading.”

“No matter, I came to speak with Kaneki.”

“He’s out. Want to leave a message for him?”

Shuu blinked, sighed, and sulked in obvious disappointment. 

“Shuu, Shuu,” Ichika pulled at the lapel of his coat. “Shuu, are you coming to my birthday party?”

“Your birthday party? I...wasn’t aware you were having one,” he answered, sneaking harsh glances towards Touka.

Touka glared at her daughter. “Guess your invite got lost in the mail,” she lied. “It's not like you ever forget her birthday anyway, I’m sure you were planning on stopping by, invited or not.”

Before he could defend himself, Ichika spoke with a proud grin, "Mama, Shuu's going to buy me a pony for my birthday." 

"Oh, he is?"

"I am?" Shuu was as surprised as Touka to hear this, but with the glimpse of excitement in Ichika's eyes, Shuu was smitten. "I-I am. Yeah, I am!"

"You are." Touka stated, annoyed.

"Well, why not? Every princess story has a knight in shining armor and a valiant steed."

"And, tell me Tsukiyama, are you the knight?'

"I was a knight to Kaneki-kun, and I plan to be a knight to the young lady," he retorted with a grin.

“Tch. Ichika, enough playing around. You have homework to do.”

“Sorry Shuu, I can’t play today, but come back soon okay?”

Shuu let her down, murmuring assurances that he would. Touka had Ichika run off to the kitchen to work on her homework, and address their guest alone.

“Not the first time an invitation for me ‘got lost,’ Kirishima.”

“Is this what you need Ken for?”

“How cruel of you; I come only to offer help,” he explained, as he pulled a business card from the inner pocket of his coat. “Kaneki has missed more and more meetings recently, and when he does try and come in, he’s obviously suffering. I would like to offer the assistance of a trusted professional.”

Touka took the small piece of cardstock, reviewing it carefully. “...A doctor?”

“A trusted physician to the Tsukiyama family. He’s personally treated those in my family for two generations now. A ghoul himself, he’s well versed on treatments that actually help us.”

“I uh, don’t think Ken is too keen on doctors, all things considered.”

“I can personally attest to his validity. No cruel experiments, you have my word.”

Touka sighed, placing the card down and muttered that she would pass along the message. “But Tsukiyama,” she added. “Don’t get all upset if you’re not the savior you think you are. It’s not personal.”

With a tight-lipped smile, he escorted himself from :Re, smile falling as he considered just what that meant.

//

Hori once again sought out the help of the stars for guidance, viewing the night sky through the viewfinder. She laid on the rooftop of her apartment building as she often did when angry with the world. The few stars that could be seen in Tokyo connected to obscure shapes.

Instead of guidance, she found nostalgia. 

_ “You know, little mouse, it’s hard to accept an award for your work if you’re not there for the ceremony.” _

_ “I don’t really care about the award.” _

_ Tsukiyama sighed, and climbed up the final steps onto Seinen's roof. “It’s odd for someone to put all of the effort and work into a photography exhibit as you do, and then not care about the payoff.” _

_ Chie rolled her head onto her shoulder, glancing at him before returning her attention to the night sky. “Payoff implies that the work wasn’t rewarding enough.” _

_ Tsukiyama sat beside her, following her gaze to the stars above, trying to uncover her motive behind her words. “Having a pet is no fun if they’re not entertaining. Something on your mind, mouse?” _

_ “Nothing you need to be worried about.” _

_ “Secretive, are we?” _

_ “Just not something you’d be concerned with.” _

_ “But it is something, non?” _

_ "Yeah, I guess…" her voice trailed off. Tsukiyama waited patiently, glancing at her occasionally to see if the walls would come down or if his 'pet' would stay forever guarded.“Today would have been my day’s birthday. 46th, I think,” she said. _

_ “‘Would have been,’ as in he’s no longer alive.” _

_ “He died when I was young. My mom always said it was his own fault, didn’t take care of himself right, or us. But I only remember him well. It’s as though my memories of him aren’t real, but I hold onto them all the same.” _

_ “The romanticized memories of childhood are every bit as valid as your doubts are now.” _

_ “That’s a poetic way of saying I’m both right and wrong?” _

_ “The way we remember childhood, young years of life, are innocent. Children view the world in such a unique way, through a lens of optimism and clarity that we seem to lose. Shame, really.” _

_ Chie thought briefly, considering what she could remember from her early years.  _

_ "If it's any consolation," Tsukiyama continued, "I understand your situation." _

_ "Hm?" _

_ "My mother passed away when I was young too.” _

_ Chie felt her stomach sink; guilt twisted her intestines. "I'm really sorry, I had no idea." _

_ "And you wouldn't have, there was no reason before tonight for you to know this. But, now there is." Tsukiyama turned towards Chie, gaining her attention, away from the few visible constellations watching over then. “I’ve decided I’m going to go to college after we graduate. I want to study humans more, and social services seems like the best way to do that.” _

_ "And is this little grief counseling session your way of testing that out?" _

_ "Is it so hard to believe I could be telling you this to benefit us both?" _

_ "Us both?" _

_ "It's cathartic, to share pain with someone. 'Misery loves company,' right?" _

_ "Except I don't feel any better, I just feel sad for you now as well." _

_ "Ah, well that wasn't my intention. The last thing I need is my own pet pitying me."  _

_ Chie sighed, looking up to the sky again. "'Misery loves company.' Is that why we get along? We're both miserable?" _

_ "Speak for yourself, I'm a gift to the world." _

_ She snorted, a quiet laugh escaping her. Any other time, and Tsukiyama would feel indignant about that, but it was nice to see her spirits raised, even if at his expense. _

_ "Tsukiyama-kun, do you think we'll stay friends after we graduate?" _

_ "Do you think of me as a monster? I'm not so cruel as to abandon a pet. Besides, we have another year before we have to worry about that." _

_ "I know, I guess I just worry about it. It's nice to finally have a friend...even if they're a pompous jerk." _

When did things change so terribly? How has it come to be that Hori finds herself chasing, rather than being chased? How long ago did the days pass that Hori would complain that she was tired of being followed around the school, cursing Shuu for acting as an obnoxious shadow?

How did she become so...unimportant, she wondered. 

//

A valley of perfectly placed gray stones and manicured grass, of carefully placed flowers and the smell of lillies; cemeteries were never a place for drawing comfort for Hori. She walked along the row, her fingers gently reaching and running along the markers of strangers, of those that signified lives no longer, and felt the cool stone on the tips of her fingers. She didn't need to search, or read the names of those she passed, to find the place that mattered to her. Years had passed, giving her an unfortunate knowledge of the cemetery's layout. Hushed cries and painful wallows echo through the valley in ways that shouldn't across flat land.

She stopped a few feet from her intended stone, and sat cross legged in the grass.

"You know, they say it's supposed to get easier each year after someone passes," she spoke, startling Shuu who sat directly in front of Matsumae's marker. "It really doesn't, though, does it?"

He wiped at his eyes, trying to stifle the soft sobs.

Hori readjusted, settling closer to him, and read the marker she had memorized years ago.

The whole row and the one behind belonged to the victims of the extermination, stretching as far as one can see. 

“It really doesn’t,” he murmured when he finally felt strong enough to speak.

Hori picked at blades of grass, and leaned her weight to Shuu’s side. She never liked the contact, but it always soothed him, so she put up with it, each time, every year.

“It’s my fault,” he said, just like last year. The cycle was a painful one to continuously suffer through. Hori sighed, knowing that the same spiel won’t bring comfort, knowing there was little she could do to remedy the pain that has lingered for nearly a decade. She instead rested her head on his shoulder, and let him take comfort in being close to someone. 

“It doesn’t get easier...It doesn’t go away. Every year, I’m just reminded that I did this, I’m the reason they’re all here-”

“You didn’t kill them, Shuu.”

“I might as well have. I’m the reason they’re all dead. My choices, my mistakes, my selfishness, my  _ obsessive-”  _ he bit at the inside of his cheek, and let out a shaky breath. "She wouldn't wear her mask. She wouldn't promise to return."

"She knew the risks," Hori reminded him.

"I would give anything to trade places, to have them all back, to put me where I should be."

She readjusted again, leaning her cheek more on his arm. "I know you would, but it won't bring them back. All you can do is live, as fully as you can."

"I have no choice. My body is not my own anymore; I'm indebted."

"Treat it better, then. Eat more often, drink a little less."

He exhaled sharply through his nose. "The body isn't mine but the brain still is. I still have to deal with the memories. Unfortunately, I'm still me."

"'You' isn't a bad thing to be. They all saw the worth in protecting you. Matsumae, and Karren especially. If I could bargain with them, I'd bet they would do it again."

He shook his head. "Doesn't make it easier...I miss them. I really fucking miss them. I wish I treated them better. I wish the last two and a half years I had with them weren't wasted on mourning him."

Hori sighed, looking down, as she was unable to come up with a counter argument for that point. 

“I’m sorry for how I’ve been treating you as well.”

“Hm?” Hori looked back up to him.

“I’m sorry I implied that your photography isn’t valuable. You and I both know that’s not true.”

“I’m sorry too...for how I’ve been acting. Since Hinami’s party.”

Shuu rested his cheek on her head. She grimaced, but let him nonetheless. “I’ve been wondering when you’d tell me what happened.”

She sighed. How much of her previous anger was she willing to let on to, and how much was she willing to just let go?

“Nothing really happened,” she admitted, deciding to let more of it go.  _ No need to add salt to the wound.  _ “I guess, amongst the social anxiety and claustrophobia, I just got really...jealous. Of what, it’s kind of hard to say. Maybe how much family she has compared to the two of us, maybe just to how close they all are. I don’t know how to explain it. It doesn’t feel very ‘me,’ that’s for sure. I just know I felt lonely and blamed you both for it.”

“No, it’s not very you...sounds more like Karren. Were you maybe possessed? The manor is haunted after all, you know that?” Shuu tried to tease with a touch of morbid humor.

“Oh, shut  _ up _ .” 

He snickered quietly, a sound she felt relieved to hear, but he sighed and became morose again. “Can I admit something to you? I did something you told me not to.”

“What’s that?”

“I went to Kaneki-kun’s, to try and offer my physician’s services.”

“The doctor that you yourself don’t listen to?”

“Hush. Anyway, he wasn’t home and I’m sure Touka threw the card out the second I left. I did find out I wasn’t invited to another party of theirs. Ichika’s birthday, no less.”

Hori exhaled a deep breath. “She’s not your kid.”

Shuu read Matsumae’s marker, the etching of her name and her sacrifice. “Hori, are...are we alright?”

Hori rolled her head up to look at him, resting her head back on his shoulder. “Yeah...I think we’re alright.”

Laid besides Matsumae was the German born cousin, with a fitting marker etched with German.

_ 'Karren von Rosewald.  _

_ geliebt und engagiert, für immer vermisst.' _

_ // _

Brushing past shoulders in the crowded office building and fighting for a spot on the packed elevator, Ayato impatiently clicked the floor's button until the display flashed his desired number and dinged, announcing his welcome. 

He followed his memory of the building to find the office in question, opening the door without much consideration for knocking.

Except, instead of the broad shoulders and ridiculous goatee, Ayato found a child in a business suit behind a cluttered desk.

Chie looked up from her computer, her head tilted in confusion.

"Uh, hi, Ayato."

"Hey."

"Uh, do...you have an appointment?"

"I need Banjou-san."

"Uhm, yeah, I figured as much. He should be back in a few."

Ayato nodded, standing awkwardly in the center of the office while Chie returned to working.

"H-how are you?" He asked.

"Ah? Oh, uh, I'm fine."

"Good, good."

"... Yourself?"

"Fine."

“Minato?”

“Good. Sleeping through the night, at least.”

Chie nodded, a tight smile before trying to return to her work again.

"Do uh…" Ayato started again, seemingly out of obligation. "I, uh, how is, uh...t-the weather's been nice, huh?"

"Are you...trying to make small talk? Because we do not have to do that. At all."

"Oh thank God," he muttered as he settled into the couch. Hori worked while he waited for Banjou's return, listening to the annoying sounds of keyboard clicks and automated 'dings.'  _ Office jobs are overrated _ , he always felt, without realizing it was a shared sentiment.

The door to the office space opened after what Ayato assumed was forever, but in reality was five or so minutes.

Banjou blinked in surprise at the unscheduled guest. “Ayato, hey. What’s up?”

“Need to talk to you.”

Banjou nodded, before turning to his assistant. “Oh, uh, Chie-san, Tsukiyama asked for you. Something about owing you lunch."

"Hell yeah," she leapt over the desk at a lightning pace, snatching the camera from the table as she did. She waved to Banjou, calling that she'd finish her project tomorrow, as she won't be able to roll back into the building after eating her weight in sushi. 

"Annoying…"

"So what brings you this way?"

“I...need to ask you something.”

Ayato was pleasantly surprised to find that he was more confident during his second wave of asking. Banjou may have just been a softer target, he considered, as the older man nearly broke down sobbing, tears of joy at the sentiment of being asked for his permission for the young lady’s hand in marriage-  _ ‘She thinks I’m like a dad? I’m a dad? Oh my-”  _

Ayato was less confident in his ability to stifle a grown man from crying.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [posts two chapters in two days, DJ Khalid voice] Anotha one.   
> You guys are too good to me, the pouring of love I've gotten, I just feel so so fortunate. Every comment does so much, and I don't even think my responses can possibly portray how much they mean to me.  
> Next chapter should be up soon! Thank you everyone who comes back with each update, I hope the next few chapters are exciting to you as they were to me..


	13. Part II: Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Rise above gonna start a war. Whatcha want, whatcha need, whatcha come here for?  
> Well an eye for an eye and an F for fight, takin' me down is a prisoners right."  
> -"Houdini" by foster the people

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> content warning: discussion of a pedophile. No abuse against a child will be described, only mentioned.  
> Tags will be adjusted to match.

Another restless night, an endless fight against his own mind, had left Kaneki trudging through the day. 

The hiss of the Keurig brewing countless cups of coffee beside him was just audible enough to keep him present, but the bright lighting in the office sent surges of sharp pains and kept him from focusing. 

With his hands on his face, pulling exhaustion from the bags under his eyes, Kaneki sighed deeply. 

"Are you, uh…" Hori stood behind him, mug tightly held in her hands. "Are you done with the Keurig?" 

Her voice startled him from dissociation. With mumbled apologies, Kaneki took his own mug and stepped aside. 

Hori muttered a quiet "thank you," as she climbed up to the counter and set to make herself tea.

Kaneki clutched his cup close, warming up from the heat it gave off. "Chie-san...I actually wanted to speak with you." Hori made a noise of acknowledgement without giving him her attention. "I don't know if Banjou, or maybe even Tsukiyama, had mentioned this to you but, I wanted to thank you for putting in so much effort in your assignments."

"I'm just doing my job. No reason to be thankful."

"Even so, I'm grateful. We'd really like for you to be able to take on more-"

"I don't want to be a full time employee. Thanks anyway" she said in a short tone, carefully cradling the mug of tea as she came off the countertop. 

Kaneki blinked once, then twice in surprise. "Well...If it's just a matter of hours, we can work with you. You don't have to be full time."

She was intent that she would be able to escape the conversation but his persistence made her sigh in annoyance. "Why? What would the point be?"

"It would be mutually beneficial, I assure you," Kaneki explained. "We can give you much more interesting work than secretarial duties. I'm sure the last thing you want is to be stuck in an office all the time, and I'm more than confident in your skills. After all, you did hack the CCG, and find the Quinx," Kaneki added with a coy grin.

In contrast, Hori felt her jaw clench shut. She couldn't understand her own emotions, and why Kaneki being nice to her was so much more infuriating that if he were cold and distant. She wished, desperately  _ wished _ he would treat her coldly, if only to justify her dislike for him. Acting kind and considerate was just...

_ Insult to injury?  _ She thought.

"...Can I think it over?" She asked.

"Of course," Kaneki said before pausing to think. "How about a proposition? We have-"

"I said I'd think about it, so I will."

"Ah, right...but this might help me sway you," Kaneki admitted. "We have a meeting tomorrow morning, and we'll be discussing some of the work I'd like to see you get involved in. Sit in on the meeting, and test the waters for yourself. If you hate it, you can continue on as you were, but if it piques your interest, we can get you started right away."

Hori thought on the offer, wanting to reject it outright just on principle, but nodded. "Fine, that works. I'll be there. But Kaneki-san?"

"Hm?"

"My old conditions still stand: requests from you are to be filtered through Tsukiyama. Or, I guess now Banjou-san, but preferably Tsukiyama." 

If Kaneki wanted anything from her, he would need to keep giving Shuu a reason to be happy;  _ It was the least she could do for Shuu, _ she figured. 

Hori stood on the other side of the conference room door, separated from the congregation, as she had before Hinami's baby shower. She thought of a thousand reasons not to join in- she could claim sickness, she can pretend she got lost, she could be upfront and tell Kaneki she's not interested.

But the fact was, she  _ was  _ interested. The proposition to work something more interesting than desk work filled her with a sense of excitement she hadn't felt in some time, and she would be lying to herself to say otherwise. 

The issue, in her mind, was what those strings were attached to. Anything that could indebt herself to the half ghoul wasn't a gamble worth taking.

While deep in a debate with herself, she was bumped aside by a face she had long forgotten.

"Watch it," Urie hissed. He brushed past her and into the crowded conference room, leaving the door ajar enough for her to peek inside.

It was crowded, enough to make her want to run altogether- all the more incentive to refuse, she considered. Banjou, Tsukiyama, Kaneki, all were faces she expected, along with some she recognized and some she didn't. Urie sat near the head of the table beside Ken, Shuu was already jotting notes down while Banjou spoke indistinctly. A blond man with his hair slicked back and a white suit looked familiar, but not with a name to pair it to, speaking loudly with a woman Hori was sure used to be a high ranking investigator. People she recalled from the CCG and ghoul underground alike were scattered around the long table. 

"Are you in this meeting too?"

Hori jumped as someone spoke behind her, turning quickly to the blue haired pigtailed girl she recalled from Hinami's party.

"Oh, uh, Saiko-chan, right?"

"Mhm! I don't remember your name to be honest."

"Chie."

"Oh yeah, we were gonna set up a tournament together!"

"Oh, right...I forgot about that."

"Are you in this meeting too?" Saiko repeated. When Hori stuttered about being unsure, Saiko took her by the wrist and led her in, to Hori's great dismay. "Maman, is Chie-san joining us?"

Kaneki, pulled from a conversation with Urie, perked up with recognition. "Good morning, you two. Chie, I'm glad you decided to join us."

Shuu's head turned upon hearing Hori's name, with an obvious expression of confusion, and then concern. 

"Heh" Hori huffed awkwardly. She waved meekly to Shuu, who could only return a slight wave of his own before asking for Kaneki's attention.

"Come sit with me, sit with me!" Saiko dragged Chie down to the other end of the table with her, catching Hori up to speed on the purpose of the meeting- as far as Saiko understood, it wasn't a typical dragon orphan mission. This instead was to deal with a public threat to human safety.

As they settled in, Saiko greeted her co-workers and chatted idly while waiting for the meeting to start. Hori sat, stiff and still amongst the chatter and commotion of people she barely knew or cared for. 

At the exact stroke of the hour, the noise ceased. All sat in patient obedience for the meeting to begin. The quick change in demeanor made Hori's skin crawl, reminded of the very nature of office jobs.  _ A terrible life _ , in her opinion,  _ to have to sit and wait like a dog for orders.  _

"Thank you everyone for coming today." Kaneki stood at the head of the table, with everyone's attention on him. Everyone but Hori's. "I know this isn't a standard meeting, but it's something of great concern. A lot of you know that while most of the ghoul world has been thankful to be able to live on the surface, there are many who enjoyed living in the underground. Those with foul intentions pose us as great of a threat as they do the human population, working to directly contradict the work we're doing."

Murmured agreements came from around the table. 

_ ‘Brainwashed,’  _ Hori thought.

“I’m sure you’ve heard the  _ numerous _ requests for us to investigate a number of disappearances. After a fairly exhaustive search, we’ve found confirmation that a ghoul has been responsible. Tell tale signs of feeding, it's certainly a ghoul. Additionally, he seems to have a... preference for human children. That and…” Kaneki looked particularly pained to continue, discomfort as he awkwardly struggled. “We’ve, uhm...With the discovery of the deceased children, it was...found that there are obvious...obvious signs of sexual assault.”

“A pedophile?” Banjou asked with disbelief. 

“How disgusting,” Shuu muttered.

"Gross," Saiko added.

“Can anyone hear what he’s saying?” Naki asked.

“Why do you sit at the end if you can’t hear?” Mado asked him. Naki merely shrugged, and the meeting carried on, though with heightened emotions now involved, as everyone in the room whispered to their neighbor, with thoughts and wishes on how to track down and eliminate the offender.

"Our intention today is to come up with a plan. We need to identify, capture, and eradicate this ghoul as quickly as possible. Anyone with ideas, please speak up."

With this permission, Hori watched the room erupt into side conversations seeped with heated debates on how to exterminate, what kind of punishment should be dealt- “We should torture him!” “Hang ‘em from the rafters like a pinata!” "Burn the fucker alive!" and various other potential ends he could be met with.

And while Hori couldn’t say she disagreed, she certainly didn’t see how this pertained to her. She had every intention of asking, but the energy of the room couldn’t be contended with. She wasn’t bold or brave enough to express this now, but felt set that she would fade into the background for now, wait until the very end, and merely tell Kaneki she didn’t see a future for herself here. She nodded to herself, confirming this plan, and waited.

And waited. She watched, listened and waited, but noticed a trend occur, in which one would propose a way of tracking their target, another would interject with reasons that plan just won’t do, another will chime in with an unrelated thought and the divergence would sweep the room with recurring anger regarding the details of the crime.

Hori sighed. This is why office jobs are overrated, she reminded herself. Back in her prime, she was a master at finding the hard to find. It doesn’t require a bureaucratic approach or approvals, it takes guts and bravery, some intel and a touch of luck.

But listening to the roundabout arguments of the room was tiring, and speaking up would have likely just thrown the attention to her, a thought that made her uncomfortable. 

Maybe she could decline the job, and then suggest her own thoughts to Shuu? He could pass it along, claim credit even, he liked being in the spotlight after all, and everyone will be happy when the creep is caught.

Hori nodded again; this plan was even better. She could turn Kaneki down, make Shuu look good in front of his  _ beloved  _ leader, and catch the bad guy. Everyone wins. 

Decided, she felt free to ignore the buzz of the conference room. While she waited for the room to settle, maybe finally end the meeting, she’d work on her photography.

It was, however, an unfortunate decision to bring this particular camera to the meeting. Hori had forgotten how loud the shutter was, and as she snapped a still of the room, of the high intensity and commotion, she startled those around her.

Including the blond one with a white suit at the  _ exact _ moment he tried to sip black coffee.

“Oh no.” 

Naki looked down to the fresh stain on his suit, growling in anger. “The  _ Fuck!” _

“I-I’m so sorry,” Hori choked out. “I have a handkerchief, hang on,” she stuttered out as she frantically searched her messenger bag, panicking as the room hushed and attention turned to them. “I-I really am sorry, I just- where is it, hang on-”

While Hori searched and Mado teased Naki (“Oh come now Naki, you can just rename your group. White is so last season anyway”), Urie leaned forward to watch, hoping for a fight.

Until he looked at Hori, and an idea struck him. Urie glanced at Kaneki, pointedly glancing back down between Hori and Kaneki until the connection was made.

Kaneki glanced from Urie to Hori, back to Urie and then to Banjou.

Banjou made the same connection, murmuring a soft “oh, maybe.”

“We could-” Kaneki started.

“ _ No,”  _ Shuu snapped. The three looked to him, no longer listening to Naki bicker with Mado or Saiko helping Hori find a napkin.

“No?” Urie asked. “You have a better idea?”

“Come up with something better.”

“Tsukiyama, that’s what we’re trying to do,” Kaneki mentioned.

“To little avail.” Urie added.

“We are  _ not _ using her as bait.”

“Oi, photographer,” Urie called down to the end of the table anyway. All chatter ceased, and Hori looked up. Her face burned bright red as all eyes of the room now resided on her. “How do you feel about field work?”

“...Field work?”

“Good, your hearing works. Now answer.”

“I, uh, I guess it depends?”

“So this is why she’s here?” Shuu asked.

“Wasn’t the intention, but it could certainly work,” Kaneki murmured.

“What’s going on?” Naki asked Mado, still fuming but distracted.

“Honestly, if you’re deaf on your left, why the hell do you always sit here?”

“Everyone, I think we’re going to end here today,” Kaneki announced. “Chie-san, if you wouldn’t mind staying back, we have something to discuss.”

“Bait?” Hori asked. “Well...that's probably the best plan I heard anyone actually come up with.” 

With the conference room emptied, Kaneki and Hori sat together at the end of the table. Urie, Tsukiyama and Banjou stood around them, adding in details - or in Tsukiyama’s case, complaints and refusals on Hori’s behalf. 

“There is a lot of pressure on us to have this taken care of, before there are more victims,” Kaneki noted.

“We’ll train you of course,” Urie said. “Not that I think you’ll need a lot of it. I remember how annoying you were.”

“Still bitter about me finding you, Urie-kun?”

“Hardly.”

“We’ll put a lot of security details in,” Banjou added. “We don’t want you getting hurt, we just need to lure him out so we can capture him.”

“We’ve managed to get a lot of information already, but we may need your guidance on how to iron things out,” Kaneki continued. “This is your specialty, after all.”

“Well,” Hori thought of the mission, on the risks and potential outcomes. “I guess there really is nothing more rewarding than taking down a pedophile. And it’ll be more fun than paperwork.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have y'all seen the controversy over "Cuties" on Netflix? It debuted a week or so ago and while I understand what the director was going for, seeing discussions of "MAPs" and normalized pedophilia and other online discourse and I just feel...incredibly frustrated.  
> I needed an outlet that allows me to kill a creep.  
> As mentioned in the before-note, I don't want this to be harmful, just sort of a plot point that Hori's appearance makes her the logical choice and an opportunity to write something cathartic as I delete my twitter.   
> Everyone who keeps coming back, just know that I love you and I hope this isn't too hard of a curve ball or turn you off but I always appreciate hearing what you all think!  
> Thank you again, sorry for rambling?


	14. Part II: Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Chairs thrown and tables toppled, hands armed with broken bottles, standing no chance to win but, we're not runnin', we're not runnin'."  
> -"behind closed doors" by rise against

“You seem especially cranky today,” Hori remarked with her mouth full (an act Shuu always found disgusting). He was able to ignore her poor manners well enough as he worked diligently on his laptop across from her. 

Nearly two weeks after being offered full time, Hori was fully involved in the project despite frequent objections and complaints from Shuu. His outbursts and arguments settled to a quiet, angry simmer within the first week, though every day since was spent working without rest to silently undermine the operation.

“Hey, hey, don’t ignore me,” Hori complained. “What’s the point of inviting me to lunch if you’re not going to talk to me?”

Shuu sighed, fingers tapping on the edge of his computer as he thought. “Sorry,” was all the response he gave, before typing again.

Hori huffed, taking another plate from the conveyor belt. “You’ve been cranky for a while now. Spit it out already.”

“Busy; tracking down our target.”

"Don't we have people for that?"

“We do.”

“So...what’s the problem?”

"The problem is you weren't supposed to be involved."

“Wasn’t this the whole plan though? Offering me full time and all that?”

“It’s not what Kaneki and I discussed, it wasn’t supposed to be for field work,” he muttered, rubbing at his eyes, in the hopes of pulling off the exhaustion. “Hacking maybe, office work most definitely, but this is absurd.”

“I don’t think it’s the worst plan,” she argued. “Something like this, makes more sense to be out in the field. Best way to find a creep like him is to catch him in the act.” 

“Yeah, maybe with highly trained operatives or ghouls with strength; you’re not equipped for this.”

Hori’s eyes narrowed. “I can make my own decisions Shuu. Besides, I’m going to start training with Ayato, Urie,  _ and _ Naki, like three times a week. I’m even getting a quin-coo thing and everything.”

“Quinque,” he corrected.

“Yeah, that.” She reached across and lightly punched at his arm. “So stop worrying so much. This is me we’re talking about. I’ve done less dangerous stuff for a picture. I  _ think  _ I can handle myself.”

Shuu sighed, tapping impatiently on his laptop as he scowled. The more he learned of the case, the more he realized there was to worry about.

_ And no one else seems to see it,  _ Shuu thought.

//

“Photographer, listen up,” Urie commanded. His voice echoed off of the TSC gym walls, answering back against cement and rubber exercise mats. “You only get one shot at this mission, so it’s of the utmost importance that you listen well, if you want to stay alive.”

Hori scratched at her neck. She felt a bit out of place, wearing loose gym shorts and a T-shirt as Urie and Ayato stood tall and proud in full body armor. Ayato waited beside Urie with patient nods in agreement as the younger man spoke. 

“We need to make sure you’re able to protect yourself. Your record has confirmation that you’re fast, having outrun CCG agents and S-rated ghouls alike, but that was nearly a decade ago. I wouldn’t be surprised if you’ve lost that ability. You need to be prepared to take on the challenge despite yourself. It’s important to know your enemy.”

Hori twirled a piece of her hair around her finger. She wished she had the foresight to bring a hair tie.

“We’re going to put you through a number of obstacles so you can prove your worth. Are you prepared? Oi, are you even listening?”

“Mhm, tests, running, defend myself, blah blah, can we get on with this?”

“You should be careful, Chie-san,” Ayato warned. “It’s not like an enemy is going to be as cooperative as we are.”

“You are fortunate to have us as instructors, show some respect!” Urie demanded. Hori repressed the urge to roll her eyes.

“Your stature puts you at a disadvantage,” Ayato noted. “You need to know how to handle yourself appropriately. We don’t want you getting hurt.”

“It won’t be an issue.” She interrupted. “‘If it’s just my height you’re worried about, I can just pull the sticks from both of your asses and make stilts.”

“Why you  _ little-” _ Urie decided that he’d had enough, and charged at her, kagune ready. Hori dodged like a matador, side stepping the half-ghoul a few places to the left. Urie stopped short and spun on his heel to continue the chase, only to be side-stepped again. “Kirishima! Some backup would be nice!” He yelled to Ayato.

Ayato instead smirked, watching Hori dance around the well-trained operative. With each frustrated thrust of the kagune, Hori would leap, skip, dive and laugh in delight. 

“I think you’ve got this!” Ayato laughed. 

“Training looks like it’s going well,” Hinami commented as she joined the group. She held Minato’s carrier close to her to protect him from possible projectiles, as Urie’s attacks became sloppy as he played cat-and-mouse with the newest recruit. 

“Just another day in the office.”

//

Shuu sighed as he braced himself, standing outside of :Re with less confidence with each passing moment. 

Too distracted to hear the bell or the hiss of steam from distraught kettles or the chatter or the restaurant, Shuu was taken by surprise as Ichika threw herself to him.

“Shuu, Shuu, you came back to play!” She cheered as she hugged him tight, gripping around his waist.

“I’m...sorry, little one,” Shuu mumbled. He immediately felt guilty, having forgotten about the young lady entirely. “I need to talk to your papa, if he’s here.”

A disappointed expression in mismatched eyes looked up to him. “You okay?" She asked. "You look...sad today.”

Shuu could only hope he sounded convincing as he assured her that he was, running fingers through salt and pepper colored hair. Such sad eyes, he was more than sure he owed her a pony for her birthday to make up for his lacking enthusiasm. 

"Ah, Tsukiyama!” Kaneki greeted him as he came from the back. “I-I am planning on calling that doctor! I appreciate the card, and I-I do think my migraines are getting a bit out of hand, it’s just, well I'm sure you can imagine why I don't really trust doctors, but I-" Kaneki rambled, flustered. 

"What?" Shuu looked confused before shaking his head ever so slightly. "I'm not here about that. Use the service, or don't, it's up to you. I'm here for work, if you have the time for me."

Kaneki nodded, insisting he could, and offered to let Shuu join him in the kitchen. Ichika snuck alongside them, hiding behind Shuu before her father could chastise her for eavesdropping on ‘adult conversation.’

"I've poured over this case file for weeks now," Shuu started. "I think that if we can just get a bit more information, we can come up with a better plan, and-"

“Tsukiyama,” Kaneki sighed, “we’ve had this conversation multiple times now. We tried, we’ve exhausted every other option. You can’t really think this was our first choice; you know me better than that, don’t you?”

With a heavy exhale, Shuu sunk back in his seat.

“I understand your worry,” Kaneki continued, “but I promise, we’re going to do everything in our power to keep your friend safe.”

"There has to be some kind of better option."

"Believe me, I wish there was. But there isn't, and we have a responsibility to the public."

Shaking his head with increasing frustration, Shuu bit at his lip to keep from snapping back. “Don’t,” he muttered finally, “don’t make me call her mother, to tell her we got her only daughter killed.”

“If it’s a matter of liability, I have no problems taking responsibility-”

“Respon-  _ responsibility?  _ You think that’s the problem, a ‘liability?’ She’s more than just a  _ liability, Ken.” _

“I didn’t mean it like that, but-”

“But  _ what _ ?”

“But, we have to think of the greater good here.”

“I could give a shit less about the  _ ‘greater good! _ ’” Shuu snarled. “I have to protect whatever family I have left. Haven’t you taken enough of my family from me-” Shuu stopped himself, caught his tongue before it caused any more havoc, clenching his jaw shut.

Kaneki stayed quiet, unreadable.

“I’m sorry,” Shuu mumbled. “I-I’m so sorry, I just...I haven’t really slept.”

“That much is obvious; it’s not like you to be careless with your words.” Kaneki cracked a knuckle instinctively, and a jolt ran through Shuu’s spine. “And since we’re on the subject, it’s clear you’re not taking care of yourself in general. You must be down another kilogram or two, you look ghastly, haven’t gotten a haircut, clothes are dark and plain, you often reek of alcohol-”

“Ken, I-”

“Maybe...you’re too close to this. Maybe we should give you a break.”

Shuu shook his head quickly, insisting otherwise and mumbling assurances that he would do better. When Kaneki’s expression didn’t immediately change, Shuu bowed his head, pleading quietly for one more chance, spilling promises to improve, to serve his king better, and keep the TSC as his main purpose in life.

Kaneki pinched the bridge of his nose, fighting off a new headache. “If I let you stay on...will you promise me to take better care of yourself?”

“Anything you ask of me, my king, I’ll do.”

Kaneki sighed, unsure if he believed his second in command. “Just...please get some rest. I don’t want to have to ask you to step down, even temporarily. We need you at your best, and I do need you there. I need you by my side.”

Shuu straightened upright, face burning bright at the unexpected vulnerability, and the words  _ ‘I need you by my side’  _

A gentle tug at his coat, Shuu looked down to the bright eyed child, as she poked her head from her hiding place beneath the table. “I’ll be your family, Shuu,” Ichika offered.

Shuu blinked once in surprise that she was still here, twice at her offer, before falling smitten to her all over. “I’d love that.”

//

Another day of training led Hori back to the gym of the TSC headquarters: except, instead of the fun of tormenting Urie, she was face-to-face with the blond haired leader of the white suits.

A leader who obviously was still upset about the damages he endured.

“Well, well, well, if it ain’t the little brat that ruined my best coat,” Naki towered over Hori, a coy grin as he cracked his knuckles. “What a pleasure.”

“I really am sorry about that,” Hori squeaked, before rummaging through her bag for a print, offering it to him. “Does it help if I give you the picture I took?”

Naki snatched the picture from her, reviewing the high intensity meeting and his own expression of concentration, coffee in hand. 

“Well, at least I looked good. Bro would be proud,” he muttered as he stashed the print in his pocket. 

“So, uhm, I’m supposed to be getting a quinque from you?” Hori asked.

“Not me.”

Before Hori could ask, the pair were joined by a whole group- Urie, Hinami and Ayato had snuck into the gym without her noticing. Ayato had Minato’s carrier in one hand, and a briefcase in another. Hinami tightly clutched a second case.

Hinami had that sad look about her, the look Hori always felt was a personal slight against the world. It truly is cruel, she felt, for someone as good, sweet and pure as Hinami, to be so sad. 

“It’s good to see you, Chie,” she said quietly. “Ayato’s told me all about the mission you’re going to be working on. Sounds scary...I’ve been worried about what could happen to you, and I want to make sure you’re safe.”

Hori’s eyes darted between Hinami and the cases the two carried.

“These are for you,” Hinami explained as she held out the silver briefcase, an offering to Hori. Hori reached out to take the handle, uncertain. Hori tried to piece together the sad smile and the significance of Hinami's words.

"These…are my parents," Hinami said.

Blanched of color, the handle slipped from her hands.

With quick reflexes, Ayato was able to grab it before it hit the concrete floor, murmuring apologies to the deceased.

"I-I can't do that, I can't use-"

"It's okay, Chie."

"Hinami, I-"

"Listen," Hinami said as she clasped her hands around Hori's. She could feel them tremble in hers, so small and distraught. Hinami could only give a sad small smile to assure her. "I never wanted them to be turned into weapons. I resented the CCG so much for it, for taking such good people and making them into...into this. When the CCG did finally crumble, we were able to get them back, to be laid to finally rest, to finally come home with me.” Hinami perked up, tightening her grip on Hori’s hands. “But...What’s done is done. While I can’t bring them back, I can at least let them be of use. They’re not weapons, they’re protectors.”

Hori could only tremble in the weight of the situation. 

“Hori,” Hinami murmured. The use of her given name, the shine catching off the briefcase, the tight clasp on her hands, it was all too much. “Hori, please...they’re already like this. Please, help it not be in vain.”

The silence was suffocatingly thick, until shattered by the crack of another one of Naki’s finger joints.

“Do you mind?” Ayato snapped.

Naki apologized, citing the tense situation as a need for relief. “I know what that’s like, little lady,” Naki offered to Hinami. “That little stitched up kid still runs around with my big brother. Calls him ‘Jason,’ as though he’s nothin’ but a movie villain. It’s not like these things,” he gently nudged at the briefcase in Ayato’s hand, “really are our family anymore, but sometimes, it’s all we got. The least we can ask of them is to be put to good use.”

Hinami nodded, agreeing with sad sentiment. Hinami returned her attention to Hori, again offering the quinque. “This one...was my father’s. A rinkaku. With some practice, you can probably have him help you with attacks like Kaneki-onii-chan. Mama’s was a koukaku, a shield like Tsukiyama-san. I don’t see her being able to help with attacks, but she can protect you. Together...it’s a perfect pair.”

Hori, however, still shook, overwhelmed by the kindness and sadness that intermingled with the offering. She finally took the case containing Feuguchi Asaki, clutching it tight to her chest and biting at her lip.

An hour into training, and some mishaps and close calls later, Hori had enough of a handle on the use of a quinque that all felt that she was ready for a test run. 

“Remember, Chie,” Urie instructed. “A quinque is an extension of yourself. Use it like another limb, and you’ll have an even hand against a ghoul.”

Hori nodded, clutching the handle to Asaki’s kagune tight. She took a deep breath in and held it. 

“Alright, missy,” Naki called from across the gym. “Gimme all you got!”

Hori charged at full speed, bracing hard against the pavement with each step, tightening her hold on the handle. She watched the cement beneath them, focused on speed and precision and avoiding as many obstacles as possible.

She heard Naki’s snicker long before she felt herself being tripped. She shrieked as she stumbled, diving forward until her jaw connected with the ground.

Hinami hissed in empathetic pain, Ayato muttered that this mission may be a suicide mission after all. 

“Chie!” Urie snapped. “Keep your head up, don’t be watching the ground!”

Hori readjusted her jaw, ensuring it was in fact still attached, before springing back to her feet. With Urie’s advice, she kept her head held high and tried again. She dashed until she was a meter from Naki, but hesitated just long enough in deploying the quinque- enough time for Naki to take two long strides at lightning pace and again knock Hori to the ground, this time with a deliberately light kick.

“You have to actually use the weapon for it to work!” 

“Thought koukaku types were supposed to be slow,” Hori complained to herself, rolling back up to her feet. Another deep breath in, Hori exhaled through her nose and charged once more. This time, within range of Naki, she snapped the weapon open and felt the surge of RC cells structure into a spine-shaped whip. With an extra flick, the kagune ripped direction with intense speed until it connected with Naki, right in his midsection.

Naki stood braced for the attack, but was knocked back by the force of the bone-structured rinkaku, skidding back until he stumbled over the mats, clutching his stomach.

Hori stood straight, astounded at the strength the weapon held, before springing up in celebration, hollering cheers of her apparent victory.

Urie shook his head, aggravated by the boisterous display. 

“Really Naki, that’s all you got?” Ayato teased as the blond was slow to get back to his feet.

“Now, now, Ayato,” Hinami chided. “It’s not that Nakis weak, it’s just that my dad is that tough!”

Naki groaned in pain as he laid back down onto the mats.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Edit as of 10/19 - I'm really sorry but I think this is going on a slight hiatus. I feel really bad about it since I've had so many of you guys say that the consistency is one of the better parts of this story, but re-reading my upcoming chapters, the writing is so inconsistent and the characterization are all so off and I need to scrap a lot of what I've done and try again (I might even delete a few of the past chapters and re-upload, I'm going to avoid that if I can though). School and work and personal stuff is really taking up a lot of my focus and I've lost motivation to do anything at all.   
> I will hopefully be back soon, I really hope so at least. Thank you to everyone who's stuck with me this far, I really appreciate you more than you know


	15. Part II: Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “River, you look so far from way up down below. They live for a tunnel we're compelled to follow.”  
> -"blood wolf" by dance gavin dance

_ Two Days Until Mission Start _

The clicking of laptop keys was beginning to ensue a Pavlonian reaction of annoyance in Hori. Listening to the laptop’s chips and chirps beside her, while she attempted to work on her photography for the first time in weeks, was an unwarranted distraction from a particularly distracted friend. 

She stretched in her seat, groaning in pain as her muscles disagreed with the movement.

“How the hell do you guys do stuff like this? I’ve been doing martial arts like three times a week and I swear my body’s breaking down more than it’s getting stronger.”

“Mh.”

Hori noted that, despite him inviting her by, Shuu hadn’t stopped working since her arrival. His hands were too busy at work to even nurse the glass of whiskey beside him or drag across the gaunt features of a thinning face. She placed her camera down on the library table.

“Shuu, can I talk to you?”

“Hm.”

“No, like, the kind of talking where you stop and actually look at me.”

He sighed, and with melodramatic flair, placed his hands down on either side of his laptop, in a grand display of providing her his attention.

She bit back a comment about his attitude, if only to keep the focus on the matter. “Are you okay?”

“Wh-why do I keep getting asked that?” He sounded so genuine, so confused and taken aback. “Why does everyone think I’m not okay?”

“Who else asked?”

“I- I really am fine, I don’t know why everyone thinks I’m not.”

She was right to not trust him, she thought. “It’s just that I know you, and I know how you get when things...don’t go your way.”

Tapping his fingers against the table, he tried to redirect. “I’m just concerned, that’s all.”

“About sending me into the field?”

“Yeah..I really didn't want this for you. I even did something the other day that I think you’ll yell at me for.”

“Takes a lot to make me mad, Shuu.”

“Hm, usually, but...I went to Kaneki, directly, and tried to convince him to call it off.”

With an intentional pause, a moment for her to keep herself collected, she added the obvious: “I take it he doesn’t agree.”

“No but he’s...not acting like himself. Whenever the headaches start, the...behaviors seem to come with it.”

“Well, you already know I don’t think he’s a stable person but, he’s not the only one in charge of this. You and Banjou are too, and, well, I only agreed to do it because I know I can trust you.”

“Well, I’m glad I'm so trusted,” he muttered.

“You know I trust you,” she said, her head tilting, watching the self-pity seeped into his expression. “You know that, don’t you?”

“I do.”

“So...whatever it is you’re doubting in, just trust in me. I wouldn’t sign up for something I can’t handle, or something I didn’t think you would plan through. I mean, you have had some terrible plans in the past, but I’ve always been upfront about that, right? Remember when you tried to stalk Rize yourself and I told you that was stupid?”

“You did say that, yes.”

“And the 'I'm-going-to-kidnapping-a-girl-to-force-Kaneki-into-letting-me-eat-him' thing? I told you that was dumb.”

“You did-”

“And when you tried to bleach your own hair, or that time you-”

“I’m realizing I’ve had many dumb plans.”

“You have, and this isn’t one of them. I would tell you if it was...But just in case," beneath the table, her hands anxiously fiddled together. "Shuu, I just...I just want you to promise me that if anything happens, that you'll take care of yourself." She sighed at the jaw-dropped expression on his face, the sputtering of indignation. "I know it won't be like when Kaneki 'died,'" she continued, "I'm not...special like he is, I'm definitely not 'gourmet,' but I still worry that you'll get bad again, and I just don't want to see that happen." With a glimmer of mischief, she lightly punched his arm. "Because, if you do, I'll haunt you. I know you're scared of ghosts, so don't think for a damn second this'll be the last you see of me."

The request came as a surprise to him, more so than it should have. 

No matter how much he wanted to, how badly he wanted to tell her what she wanted to hear, it wasn't a promise he could keep.

Hours later, curled up on the library couch, Hori slept soundly. Her knees were tucked up into her chest, and she rested comfortably.

With an uncertain waver, Shuu reached to her, with every intention of moving her hair behind her ear, but withdrew. She was peaceful, and the last thing he wanted was to disturb her. He turned instead to the camera equipment scattered across the library table. 

With careful movements, Shuu packed up the camera into the case, with his hand hovering over the extra accessories. Instead of adding the camera strap to its home in the carrying case, he took it tight in his hand, bringing it closer to examine it.

_ It smells like her. _ A well-worn piece, obviously close to her. 

Shuu glanced over his shoulder, ensuring she was still fast asleep before he snuck the garment into the inside pocket of his coat. It wasn't unlike the handkerchief that once held a droplet of Kaneki's blood that he'd kept through the years: a memento.

“You’ve become neglectful of your pet,” Mirumo chided, draping his coat over Hori. Shuu hadn’t heard the former come in, but his attention wasn’t what it normally is. 

“On the contrary,” Shuu argued, “I think I’m the only one who’s taking care of her.”

"Doing so like a parent who overworks himself so his child can have the best things. In the end of it all, you won't recognize the very thing you sought to give so much to; they grow and change so much from right beneath your nose… You know, I felt that way about you for a long time."

Shuu scoffed, finally zipping the camera case shut. "I'm sorry, Father, I just don't have time to listen to a lecture-"

"You can give and provide the very best," Mirumo continued, gently petting Hori's head, "but all the while, children and pets alike...it's not material items that create lasting bonds: it's attention, love and support."

"Enough," Shuu complained. "I only have a short amount of time, I-"

"How cruel."

Shuu sighed deeply, pinching the bridge of his nose. He waved his hand, motioning for his father to get to the point.

"You've spent so much time trying to have the mission changed, to save your pet from getting hurt, but have you bothered spending any time with her, or are you just working yourself tireless? If things do go as poorly as you imagine, what will your last memories with her be? Will they be something you're able to smile on, or will it just be more regret?"

"She's here now, isn't she? Besides, if the mission never takes place, it's not a concern I'll need to have." Shuu stepped down from the sitting area, intending to leave Hori sleeping comfortably- he knew the worst of the couches in the estate are better for her back than her own bed- but stopped just before the entrance. 

"... Father, I actually would like assistance with something: I'd like to get in contact with our legal team regarding a will."

"Planning on killing me off?" Mirumo teased. "I'd like to see you try."

"Not for you, though you should have one if you don't already."

"Hm?" Mirumo paused, deep in thought. "What are you planning?"

"Nothing," Shuu lied. "Just a precaution. All the recent discussions of death and losses and the like, have made me realize you can never underestimate the importance of a living will."

On the contrary, Shuu had long since decided: if he had to bury another member of his family, it would not be alone. If Hori dies, he'll kill Kaneki and avenge her, or die beside her.

One of those seemed more likely.

_ 'Maybe I'm really not okay, after all.' _

//

_ One day until mission start _

“This is where all of the victims were last seen alive,” Kaneki explained as he clicked the remote to the projector. The bait-and-capture team sat in a dim office, reviewing every detail of their case. The slide displayed was a map, indicating a public park where children and families frequented. Another click of the remote, and the display changed to a slide of their suspect, identified by recon teams. He was 30-40 years old, brunette with thin, sunken features, nothing remarkable. He looked like someone who could blend into a crowd with ease. 

“Tanaka Shiru, known in the underground as ‘Toy Collector,’ due to his baiting tactics and habit of keeping ‘souvenirs’ from his victims. No social, no job history, no education. He’s lived below the surface his entire life. Surprisingly, we can’t find a mask associated with him. He hunts without one, likely to gain a child's trust."

Another click, and the schematics of a factory illuminated the room. 

“The victims have all been found here, a toy factory that’s been abandoned. According to public records, the factory was partially destroyed by an earthquake, and the company decided to just close their doors, even left behind the inventory that was being worked on at the time of the incident.”

“Must be how he gets kids to come with him,” Banjou muttered.

“That’s what we’re thinking,” Kaneki agreed. “So, the plan is as follows,” another click of the remote revealed a larger scale map, with indicators pointing to a command station, security detail, Hori’s initial positioning and the factory.

“Tomorrow afternoon, Chie-san will be prepped in costume by Saiko at the chateau. From there, we'll set up the initial capture with two guards hidden here and here,” Kaneki used a laser pointer to make his instructions clear. “The public space here is too dangerous, we can’t close in, but from the factory, we’ll have a full sweep ready. All angles, no matter what direction he tries to take, we’ll intervene and capture, hopefully before Chie has to do anything more than act. Urie, Ayato, you’ve been training Chie. In the event that he makes this a hostage situation, which is possible, how confident are you both in her ability to protect herself?”

“Excuse me,” Hori raised her hand. “Can I speak for myself here?”

“No,” Urie said. “You have no experience.”

“I think she’ll be fine,” Ayato answered. “She’s been getting better and better with quinques, and she’s already faster than most of us,” he admitted, with hushed complaints that he and Urie had still not been able to actually catch her in a defense training session. Urie scowled further, glowering at the mouse as she restrained a grin.

Kaneki nodded, pleased with their chances. “Alright everyone, we have twenty-four hours for final preparations. Let’s get to work.”

All nodded, with high energy- anxiety and excitement alike. 

And amongst the tense energy, there was one with a particularly anxious energy.

“Hey, heh uh hey,” Ayato greeted Shuu with a playfully light punch to the arm, an act that would have been ‘chummy,’ if not for the aura of awkwardness that surrounded Ayato. Shuu glanced between Hori who chatted with Saiko, and the brunette young man.

“...Bonjour?”

“You, uh, got a minute?”

“Mh, I can spare a few.”

“Great, great, uh, your office open?”

“It...is. Are you alright? You’re sweating quite a bit.”

"Good, great, doing fine. Uh, just need you, alone preferably."

With some concern for the younger man’s well-being, Shuu agreed. The pair snuck away from the battle-preparations, to the comfortable office of the vice representative.

“You know, this is brazen for you. I really didn’t know you felt this way about me; I don’t think Hinami will be too happy with a love affair,” Shuu teased once behind the safety of a closed door.

“Nothing like  _ that, _ dumbass. I, uh...would like…I was uh,” Ayato stuttered through his words, prompting an inquisitive quirk of Shuu’s brow. It’s not like the cool headed, hot tempered young man to be so...bashful.  _ Maybe because this one was most likely to be a pain in the ass,  _ Ayato reasoned.

“I was hoping...to know...I was, uh, okay so...I want to know if it’s cool with you if I marry Hinami.” His words rushed at the end, forcing the question with restless nerves, to be met with wide eyes and confusion. 

“Is...that something I have a say in?”

“It...is,” Ayato growled his admission through grit teeth. “Because...she thinks of you...like a father.”

And just like with Kaneki, and just like with Banjou, Shuu’s face lit up at the very notion of being considered important to Hinami, to be called a “father,” no less. 

Ayato grunted in disgust as Shuu hugged him tight, murmuring in French, Italian, English, ‘ _ no language will really explain how joyous this is!’ _

It was a particularly unexpected, and much needed distraction, at least for the moment.

“Let me  _ go,  _ ya bastard,” he pleaded, trying to pry the older man off of him. When he was unsuccessful, he made a second admittance. “I...was also told by her two  _ better _ fathers...that you probably know a good jeweler?”

“I shall offer my full services to you and the young lady, so you can leave it all to me! A wedding, a wedding, we’re going to have a wedding! Oh, I’m so excited I could cry!”  _ 'If I'm still alive that is' _

Ayato groaned, aggravated; but even he had to admit, the dark days of planning could use some light-hearted excitement. A wedding might just be the kind of promising future this group needed, but right now-

“One more thing, if you tell Chie about this before I have everything planned, I  _ will  _ wring your fucking neck.”

“Your secret is safe with me!” Shuu promised through sobs.

Even a momentary distraction, one sure to be short lived, was enough for now.

//

_ Two hours to mission _

Chateau, a castle, a fitting name for a home so imposing and strong in structure but beautiful in design. White brickwork and iron gate work, Hori took in the home of the Quinx program participants. 

Hori wandered the entrance to the estate, camera clicking to capture everything, from the ornate iron frame of the fence to the ivy vines winding around the home to the marble of the entrance. 

She was welcomed in by a newer member of the team, and only stopped the quick trigger finger on the camera when she spotted her own work.

The polaroid, framed and displayed with memorial pieces, rested on an antique table. Hori carefully reached out, fingers tracing the frame and silently offered her best to the lost member of the Quinx squad.

Moments like this were particularly difficult, as it reminded her of the hard truths of war: there are always losses on both sides. Hori struggled with her losses of the extermination, just like the Quinx squad and CCG members grieved for their own. 

There really are no winners in a life like that.

"Did you know Shizu?" Saiko asked, startling Hori- Saiko has quite a skill for that, Hori noted. She was surprised to find the woman who not only looked as young as she did was stealthy, quieter than Hori predicted.

"Sort of," she admitted. "He helped me a while back, I worked with him and Urie on an information trade." 

Saiko nodded, reminiscent as she looked over the memorial herself. She forced herself away, knowing she could get lost in memories if she didn't. "Come on, come on, we gotta get you ready."

Hori nodded, bowed to Shizaru's picture, and followed close behind Saiko.

_ It’s go time. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, hello, okay I hope everyone's doing well, I've missed you all dearly, but uh yeah it's been a bit crazy (at least for us americans), huh? Everyone doing okay? I have the next few chapters done, and by that I mean if I have to re-read them one more time I'm scrapping the whole fic so please consider this a formal request to just ignore the plot holes, we're doing our best in this house and that's all we can do, right? ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯  
> Talk to me on tumblr @ deer-enthusiast or like, request for discord if ya like, I have no tg friends irl  
> Okay, thank you all for your patience, ily and hope you have a good one.


	16. Part II: Chapter 8

A deep breath in,  _ hold it for 1...2...3,  _ and slowly exhale. 

_ ‘Repeat until calm. Stay calm, stay calm, don’t let on to how nervous you are’  _ Hori’s mental pep talk didn’t show on her features, but the underlying fear of dying fought at the creeping edges of her mind. 

She sat on a public playground, nestled on the swing closest to the entrance, to make herself seen. Her instructions had been simple enough, ‘sit and look as sad and scared as possible,’ an easy enough task given the real anxiety the mission began to cause.

She gently kicked her legs, rocking the swing only slightly. There was some genuine embarrassment at the fact her legs really couldn’t reach the ground, as she stretched her leg as much as she could to draw patterns with her shoe in the wood chip playground while staying on the seat. 

_ What...if things go wrong? A creep like this, nothing’s really off limits so anything can happen… _

_ Focus, focus...security and backup are only a shout away.  _

_ ‘Chie-san,’  _ Kaneki’s voice chirped through the earpiece. ‘ _ Do you see anyone that looks like the suspect?’ _

“Not yet,” she spoke as clearly as she could in a whisper. “There are a few families, are we really sure he’s bold enough to approach?”

_ ‘It'll all go according to plan. Don't worry, we've got eyes on you.’ _

“Not too late to call it off,” Shuu reminded Kaneki. The leaders of the operation waited in a trailer command post in back of the toy factory, listening through two hidden operatives waiting amongst the crowd of the park.

“We’re seeing this through,” Kaneki stated.

Cold November breeze blew through the park, as Hori shivered from more than just the chilled air. She scanned the park, with careful glances at each stranger’s face. Every brunette, thin faced man became a suspect until ruled otherwise, until their wives or children greeted them as proof of innocence. 

“Are you here all by yourself?”

Hori’s head snapped to up over her shoulder, at a thin face that warmed to a gentle smile. 

“I-I wasn’t, but..I don’t know where my parents are. My dad was here a minute ago,” Hori spoke carefully, ensuring that the microphone of the ear piece picked up the vital phrasing, the cue for the team to start paying attention.

“Oh, well that’s no good, we can’t have that, now can we?” He waited patiently, as Hori shook her head, innocent brown eyes gauging him with hidden scrutiny. “May I sit here?” He asked, taking the chain of the accompanying swing. Hori nodded, and he sat beside her.

"My name's Tanaka-san. What's yours?"

"Chie Hori."

"It's a real pleasure to meet you, Chie-chan. You're waiting for your dad?" She nodded tentatively. "I can wait with you, if you like. Did he step away to smoke? Maybe he had to get something warm to drink? It sure is cold out, huh Chie-chan?"

Shuu's fists tightened until his knuckles were white, nails threatening to break skin. ' _ Disgusting.' _

Hori kicked her legs absently as Tanaka spoke. She took careful glances and internal notes, anything that she could use as a weakness later if need be.

“Do you like magical girl anime?” he asked.

“Mhm.”

“What’s your favorite?”

“Hm...I like Sailor Moon,” Hori answered, considering that a recent remake would make that an acceptable choice.

“Oh really? That’s a great show! I just got a really nice Sailor Moon figure.”

“Really? Can I see?”

“Would you like that? To come and see it?”

“Yeah!” 

“Hm, well, I don’t want to worry your papa but...it shouldn’t take very long. We can come right back,” he assured, standing and offered his hand, inviting her to come with him. 

With the taste of battery acid on her tongue, she feigned excitement and took it. He helped her off the swing, snaking his arm around her shoulders to press her against his side. She hoped she hid the disgust, noting that he had a strong smell of poor hygiene. 

With what felt like an overly-friendly gesture, the grip on her arm felt unnaturally tight until she felt, through the puffy winter coat, a sharp pinch.

The feeling of a needle. How he snaked it from his coat sleeve was beyond her. Her eyes widened as the world blurred, feeling the playground begin to swirl as Tanaka spoke in a rehearsed act, asking if she was suddenly feeling tired and offering to carry her if she doesn’t feel well enough to walk. 

“What did...you…” her voice trailed off in an exhausted slur, her vision went white as she was lifted off the ground and held against his side. He carried her on his hip, gently asking if she was tired, as her vision went black altogether. 

“Ground control to King Unit,” One of the guards spoke quietly into their mic. “It looks like he might have knocked her out, but we’ve got our eye on her.”

“Bastard knocked her out?” Banjou asked, annoyed. 

“He should consider himself lucky I’m not there to wring his fucking neck,” Shuu muttered.

“Alright, ground control, just let us know of anything concerning,” Kaneki instructed.

“Roger that!” The same guard spoke, as the bushes behind them rustled. A low growl was followed by more movement, taking the attention from the offender and captive.

“You hear that?”

“Yeah, sounds like a dog or-”

_ Crunch. _

Slowly, ever so slowly, Hori felt a call to consciousness. She struggled to pull her eyelids open, blinded briefly by a sharp light above her, despite the rest of the room being dimly lit. The form of a lamp, of a folding table and scattered folding chairs, a small sink and counter, vending machines and posters indicating employee rights. The beige walls had cracks in the foundations running from the floor to the ceiling. 

Hori’s eyes went from tracing the large structural damages to the sunken features of the brunette man, one with an eerie amount of interest in her, as he approached, kneeling in front of her.

“Welcome, little one.”

Hori hesitated, glancing around the room once more to gather any clues of her whereabouts. No company names or logos remained, but scattered items of daily living, such as a hot plate, piles of dirty clothes, stacks of manga and a portable DVD player with movie cases.

Her chin was snatched tight in his hand as he forced her attention back to him. She grimaced in pain and struggled against his grip.

“Pay attention to me.”

“I am, I am.”

“Good! So, little playmate, what’s your name again?”

“Chie Hori.”

" _ Ch~ie~Ho~ri!  _ So tell me, Chie Hori-chan, do you know where you are?"

Hori shook her head, and a wicked grin crossed Tanaka's face, a twisted distortion of a smile. He released his grip on her jaw, and motioned to the decrepit room they were in. "You're at the old Tokyo Radio Station. Do you know of it? It's in what used to be considered the 2nd ward, south east side of the city. Right along a fault line! It was partially destroyed by an earthquake. This used to be the break room, that's why there's a sink and fridge and a couch, it’s made for a nice home since-"

"Radio station? What do you mean, radio station?" Hori interrupted, hearing the underlying panic that she tried to swallow down.

He glowered, annoyed at her outburst, but the joy he felt watching her putting the pieces together-  _ unrivaled joy! _ \- put the spark back into his features.

"Hoping for the toy factory? Where all your little friends are waiting for us? No, no, I'm more careful than that."

Large brown eyes widen twofold, much to Tanaka's delight. He sat down across from her, settling into the folding chair and placed a hand on Hori's thigh. He lightly traced a pattern across exposed skin, each time circling just a bit higher. 

"Oh, oh another question!" He felt the goosebumps raised on her thigh. "Do you currently have your period, or did you just get over it? Maybe just about to?”

Hori could only release a shaky breath, gritting her teeth and watching her captor smile with a disgusting amount of pride.

“It's fascinating really; mothers have a different scent from women, and women smell different from girls. You're no girl. If I were to  _ guuuess _ , you're more than old enough to have had children, but chose not to. Or maybe fate chose for you? Either way, you're closer to menopause than your first menstruation."

That smell, of heightened emotions, of adrenaline, of  _ fear _ **_,_ ** radiating off of Hori…

"Oh, and don't worry about that little bug in your ear, I took care of that once we got away from your bodyguards. Kind of a cute notion, a 'bug in your ear.' That's what happened to your leader, isn't it?"

He leaned in close, nearly nose to nose with her as Hori tried to cowered back into her chair.

"Those beasts, the beast things that appear in the city thanks to your little leader? They’re like dogs; dump some meat, and they'll come running. Leave a trail and they'll follow. Best part is that once they start, they just don’t stop. Your little friends should be eaten any minute now."

His thumb rubbed circles on her thigh, reveling in the way she trembled as she was called out, read like a book, and realizing her friends were in as much danger as she was.

"And you, my dear, aren't going anywhere."

Without warning, he lifted his hand from her thigh just to slam it down with a closed fist, with enough force to snap her femur.

The crack of the strongest bone was loud like a car wreck, the snap of a tree falling, and came with intense pain so severe, Hori immediately went into shock. 

Her eyes lit bright with agony before her vision blacked out once again.

The air stayed still as the afternoon hours passed into early evening. An occasional breeze would take leaves through the ruined structure of the factory: the only movement the recon team had seen since their positioning was set.

Naki yawned, a loud sigh before stretching his arm above his head. “When’s this fucker gonna get here? We’ve been here for hours, ain’t he supposed to have shown up a while ago?” Naki asked aloud, to no one in particular, before pressing into his walkie-talkie. “Oi, Kaneki, we sure we got the right spot? This guy’s taking his sweet time, that’s for sure.”

In the command trailer, Kaneki sighed as he reviewed the surveillance equipment. “Stay patient, Naki,” he instructed, cracking the knuckles of his right hand with feelings of uncertainty.

“Something’s wrong,” Shuu muttered, frustrated more and more with each passing second.

“Ground control, what’s your location?” Kaneki asked into the device. The estimated time of arrival had long since passed, but the lack of communication was unheard of.  _ Disobedient  _ even.

“What do we do?” Banjou asked.

“What if we have the wrong intel?” Shuu asked. “What if this wasn’t the right place? What if it’s just-”

“Tsukiyama, we need to stay patient. We don’t have any reason to think otherwise-”

_ “White Suit 6 to King, we’re under attack,”  _ Echoed from the toy factory’s perimeter, with muffled shouts and shrieks of surprise. “ _ Repeat: we’re under attack. Dragon orphans have the place surrounded!” _

On the far east side of the grounds, faceless monsters crawled their way out of the wood works in search of the end of their trail. A gray beast walked as it devoured intestines, guts spilling blood along the dirt. 

The growling, scathing sound as the demonic beings caught the scent of not only the meat they were promised, but also an array of fresh meat, still walking, not yet rotted, fresh -  _ fresh, fresh Fresh! _

TSC peacekeepers and white suits alike fought to fend off the mindless creatures as the leaders all stood in shock at the transmissions: the woods surrounded, their men under attack, the realization hitting them all together, all at once.

They’ve been had.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did it work, did I take anyone by surprise?   
> Thank you to everyone who came back after such a long break! I'm so so grateful and I hope the upcoming arc is as exciting to read as it was to write.   
> Kudos and comments go a long way, so thank you to all who have done so!


	17. Part II: Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Lonely" by Spencer Hunt

_ “They have this place surrounded!”  _ was shouted through the walkie talkies speaker, as the three leaders of the United Front stood in shock at a plan gone more than ary.

“This...is a bit too convenient,” Banjou pointed out. A growl could be heard in the trailer, a sound that made Banjou’s hair stand on end, realizing it wasn’t one of the beasts he was hearing. 

“ _ You,”  _ Shuu snarled, tone pointed to Kaneki, with kakugan blackened eyes focused, “you  _ promised.” _

“Tsukiyama, wait-” Banjou hoped to defuse the former.

The navy blue suit jacket was torn through by the violet kagune, lurched forward and pressing threat to the half-ghoul’s throat. “You fucking  _ promised  _ she would be safe.”

“Stand down, Tsukiyama,” Kaneki commanded coolly. 

“If she’s dead, I will make  _ god damn sure _ she’s not buried alone. _ ” _

A single black eye glared back at Shuu. “I won’t tell you again to stand down.”

Shuu made no intention of doing so, teeth shown like a wolf’s snarl as Banjou tried to pry him from Kaneki. 

“Come on, Tsukiyama, we don’t know-” Banjou reasoned. “Let  _ go!” _

_ “I’ll fucking kill you!” _

“I’d like to see you try.”

Banjou sighed, feeling overwhelmed but ultimately was successful in prying Shuu away, dragging him to the other side of the trailer. With a hand still pressed to the center of Shuu’s chest, holding him back, Banjou looked to Kaneki for guidance. “What do we do now?”

“Kill the fucking things and destroy the place. There’s no way we failed, he must have- there must be another way in. I want this place burned to the  _ ground _ .”

“Alright, so you’re both emotionally compromised here,” Banjou muttered, taking the walkie talkie again. “Clear out the hoard, then we’ll start a perimeter search. Ayato, come in. I have an idea.”

//

Slow to regain consciousness, so slow, the world faded from black to blurred beige to sharper features of the break room. The bright lamp was off, giving the walls an ominous glow from dim overhead lights. This light was sharply contrasting with the white light emanating from the portable DVD player that sat on the floor, blocked partially by Tanaka’s crouched body, watching the small screen with intensity.

Hori pushed herself upright, gasping in pain as her leg had moved just slightly. She looked down to her thigh, noting the way the skin looked fine despite the fracture hiding beneath it. The only hint of the trauma her captor caused seemed to be a slight swelling that took her whole left leg.

With cautious and trembling hands, she lightly ran the tips of her fingers down her thigh, feeling just how little pressure it took to ache and sighed out a shaky breath. 

Her attention turned to her captor, as he changed out the DVD in the device. She heard the genetic copyright warnings, leading to the start of a familiar children’s movie. Her eyes darted between him and the single doorway. The factors were stacked against her: running might be possible, but at a extreme cost, she doesn’t have any knowledge of the layout, the backpack she came with-

Where’s the backpack, where’s her bag, Hinami’s parents. Pressing thoughts of the lost quinques caused a distressing amount of panic. 

An idea began to form, a plan that she had little faith in, she considered,  _ but what was there to lose? _ A deep breath in, and a sharp breath out. 

“What are you watching?” She asked. The sound of soft piano music danced through the speakers, as the only response to her question. “...If you like kids movies, I had one in-”

“You’re not getting the bag. Good try though.”

“So you did hear me,” she muttered. Annoyed at how easily she was seen through, she moved on to more pressing matters. “So...what are you planning on doing with me now?” She was again met with silence aside from the melody of introduction music. “You made a great show of kidnapping me, but you must realize that people are looking for me.”

A snicker from the man rattled through Hori. 

Hori huffed in defiance, annoyed at his lack of interest in her warning. “You’ll be caught.”

“ _ I  _ won’t be caught. In fact!” He paused the DVD player before turning to her, in the first instance of giving her his full attention. The smile that flashed across his features sent a shiver through her, diminishing her bravado immediately. “You won't be my problem for long: you’ll be sold soon.”

“...Sold?”

“At the next auction.”

“...Auction? There are…still auctions?”

“Your little friends aren’t as good at their jobs as you thought, hm? Of course there are still auctions. Doll-faced humans like you are worth some coin. Enjoy your last few days of freedom, little one,” he said with a confident sneer. “You’re too old for me, but  _ someone  _ will fetch a fair price for you."

_ Sold...at auction? _

//

"...we've found a trail of human remains leading here, and in the center of the factory was another pile of corpses." One of the peacemakers caught Banjou up to speed on their findings. "Seems like this guy has figured out where a hoard came from, and learned to use them to his advantage; even made a few different trails so some would go after the ground control members. Guessing he knew they'd keep their distance to stay hidden, and then the park would make a second target?"

Banjou sighed deeply. "He was three steps ahead of us. This isn't good. Good work though, appreciate it."

The peacemaker nodded, leaving the trio to assist in the identification of the human remains.

The three leaders of the United Front sat in a semi-circle outside their trailer, overseeing the clean up of their failure. Kaneki and Shuu hadn’t spoken a word since Banjou took control of the situation, both listening to the commotion without hearing any of it. 

Shuu was more interested in watching the steam radiate off his coffee. There wasn’t enough energy to feel anything other than guilt, repeating thoughts of  _ ‘There’s no point in living through another funeral.’ _

Shuu's self pity was abruptly interrupted as Banjou greeted another member of the team, though not one he expected.

“Good to see you Hinami. How’s the baby?”

“Doing good! He’s getting big really fast, he’s outgrown  _ everything  _ you bought for him.”

Shuu finally picked his head up, seeing the young woman donning her old Aorigi robe. She greeted him next, kneeling to hug him tight and assuring him that Hori would be fine. 

“How confident are you that you can track her?” Banjou asked.

She scoffed, sitting back on her heels. “It’s like you don’t even know me.” She gave a confident grin, turning back to Shuu. “Don’t worry, Tsukiyama, we’ll find her. You were there when I found Kaneki and Banjou, remember? I found everyone then and I’m going to find her now, so please put your faith in me.”

After an unsure sigh, Shuu nodded.  _ Hinami may have been the only person left he would be willing to trust. _

_ ‘Ken’s fate will be determined by Hinami. That’s how we’ll do it,’  _ Shuu decided silently. The half-ghoul had as long as Hori’s life was still up-in-the-air to walk freely. If Hinami led them to a corpse, it would be a battle to the death, then and there. 

Not that he really had the energy to fight.

“Thank you!” Hinami rubbed his shoulder, encouraging. Her optimism would be the only spirit the team had. “Now, I’m going to need something with her scent. Do you have anything of hers on you?”

“I...do,” he admitted, as he reached into his coat pocket for the camera strap he had stolen, with some relief that his selfish act of thievery could have an alibi.

Hinami took the strap carefully, feeling the synthetic material between her thumb and index fingers. “This is perfect, thank you. Alright, let’s get work.”

//

The only exit to the room was the single door. No windows, no phones, nothing that would be of use. The room was filled only with the bare minimum items needed for survival, and an overwhelming collection of manga, DVD cases, toys and collectible figures.

Hori pulled a pile of DVD cases closer to her, reviewing the titles and artwork.

"You like JoJo, huh?”

“Hm.”

“Why...does your collection stop at  _ Stardust Crusaders _ ?”

“Because that was the last good season.”

“Oh, you  _ have _ to be kidding,” Hori muttered. “Josuke’s the best Jojo.”

“Jotaro’s stronger.”

“Who cares if he’s stronger? He’s  _ boring,”  _ Hori sighed in misery, as the only thing that seemed to be worse than dying a slow death of torture would be a slow death of torture at the hands of someone who actually found  _ Stardust Crusaders  _ to be better than  _ Diamond is Unbreakable.  _

“You’re starting to annoy me, girl. Keep bitching and whining and I might just kill you myself,” he threatened, with an added note that it would be a pity to kill something that’s not worth eating.

“Then just kill me already, jeez,” she muttered. On the contrary, Hori was desperately searching the room for some semblance of hope.

The auctions. She remembered them with morbid fascination; she had begged Mirumo to let her tag along, just as she had with Shuu and the ghoul restaurant he ran. The idea of a human activity, twisted beyond morality, an event she  _ needed _ to document, needed to take photos of. She was always scoffed at, laughed off as they'd remind her this was no place for humans: she'd be eaten in a heartbeat. "You're truly an odd one, little mouse!" Shuu had mocked her. "These are your own kind. Have you no mercy?"

This wasn't the end of an auction she wanted to be a part of. 

_ 'There's gotta be a way out,'  _ she thought again and again, watching the DVD player dance colors against the beige walls and the dim overhead lights flicker.

A room filled with childhood mementos, dolls and stuffed animals and figures. Hori picked through DVD cases and stacks of manga absently while she tried formulating some kind of saving herself from being an evening's main event.

" _ Are you lonely?"  _ A character on the show asked their classmate, in a dramatic display of intimacy.

_ How long will I be here? How far would I have to run to get out? What if an opportunity never comes? _

_ What are the chances of survival, if I make it to auction? _

Amongst the stacks of novels and DVD’s, Hori noted a common theme: slice of life, coming of age, stories of young girls with no friends.

Loneliness. An  _ exploit _ .

"Hey Tanaka-san...Are you a hikikomori?"

"I told you to shut up."

"You seem really lonely."

He scoffed for a reply.

“You’re...You’re lonely. Aren’t you, Tanaka-san?” she asked anyway.

He made no inference that he heard her, no reaction.

“...It _ must _ be lonely, living a life like this.”

His hand carefully hovered above the pause button. She leaned towards him, deciding on a plan that she hated the feeling of: gaining his trust will be her key out.

“You know...if you keep me alive, you don’t have to be lonely anymore,” Hori spoke, hating herself for letting such a sympathetic notion even be offered. “...I know how hard it is. I’m...really lonely too.”

She finally gained a hint of his attention again, as he glanced over his shoulder at her. 

After a long, agonizingly long, period of silence, he finally spoke again: “What happened to believing in all those little friends of yours? The TSC is looking for you  _ right now,  _ aren’t they?”

“They are...but not because they care about me.”

With a dramatic push, he rose back to his feet. Hori watched with a creeping fear as he approached, knelt in front and examined her closely. The scent of greasy hair and halitosis choked her with nausea, but the curiosity in his eyes as he looked her up and down was all the more disgusting.

“You’re lonely too?” He asked. With uncertainty, she nodded. “Why should I believe that?”

“I don’t know, I guess you don’t have to but...it’s true.” As she spoke, she considered the few people she felt close to. “I don’t have a lot of friends, I’m not close to my family, never had a boyfriend or anything.”

“I’ve never had any friends. Must be nice.”

“I guess...I really only have two friends, and in all honesty...they’re probably happier without me.”

Tanaka tilted his head with interest as Hori involuntarily admitted to feelings she hadn’t considered before this moment. The admission felt surprising, as though she hadn’t realized it was true before she said it, but once she did, she knew it was a fact.“So you are lonely?”

“As lonely as you.”

He hummed, seemingly with approval, and raised a hand to her face. A soft brush against her cheek, he then brushed her hair behind her ear, ignoring the way she flinched.“You know...you really might not catch all that good of a price after all. Not a lot of appeal...but...even if you’re not worth eating, maybe you can have some use around here instead.”

“Use,” she repeated, hesitant.

“I can find a purpose for you,” he reiterated, combing through her hair with dirt ridden fingers. “If you can act the part, we can live our own kind of fantasy. A pretty face, all I have to do is ignore the wretched smell.”

Her jaw clenched with disgust.

“A pretty face...like a doll. I can give you that choice, you know. Auction or doll house?”

“I...have a choice...You want me to stay here.”

“We can be lonely, together. Sound like a deal?”

_ Sounds like a chance at escape.  _

“...Yeah, we have a deal.”

//

Like a bloodhound, Hinami tracked Hori’s movements from the park, through crowded streets and street vendors and the like.

Shuu hurried his pace to keep beside her, watching her inquisitive expressions as she searched for lines invisible to the rest of them. “I know her scent is kind of dull, so if you need help-”

“Tsukiyama, I can handle it,” she assured, smiling sweetly. She hoped it was enough to actually calm him; the anxious energy he gave off was more of a distraction than he realized. “She’s my friend too, remember? And besides, it’s not that dull.”

“It’s not?”

“No, it’s very specific. Kind of stands out actually.”

“You really are gifted,” he muttered, noting that his pride in his old senses had left him long ago.

“This way, come on!” Her robe fluttered as she dashed through the street, apologizing to those she passed for her impatience. 

Shuu wasn’t the only one worried after all. Hinami may have felt assured that her parents would keep Hori safe, but that was only if she had access to them. A hostage situation like this had too many variables. 

“Alright, so he left the park, and carried her through public spaces like market stalls and shops?” Banjou recalled their path out loud. “This is bold, I mean, there must be witnesses. Hey, you,” he called to a nondescript peacekeeper. “Get a team together to get any surveillance camera footage in the area. I want to see just how bold this fucker was,” he added in a mutter.

_ ‘All of this is wrong,’  _ was all Banjou would allow himself to think. 

His anger was mirrored-  _ amplified-  _ by the sound of knuckles cracking and teeth grinding beside him. While Banjou had taken an authoritative lead, he wasn’t quite brave enough to address the youngest leader’s actions.

It wasn’t the time to consider the outburst and friction between his co-parts, between  _ friends _ . Shuu’s anger, he could understand, he felt it himself- a personal responsibility to ensure Hori made it home safe.

But another cracked knuckle was a signal to keep closer to Hinami, and keep focused on getting to the end of the trail. 

Hinami hummed as she approached a fork in the road, deciding with her sense which was to take the group. She sprinted left, with all following close, and kept pace until the trail led them to a train station. Hinami leapt over the turnstiles, ignoring the securities shouts that ‘ _ train hopping is a crime, miss!”  _ One member flashed a TSC badge, explaining that their business took priority as Hinami sped to the end of the platforms, to a track, and the end of the line.

“They took a train. They left by train, I lost the trail,” she announced. She turned to Shuu first, apologizing for failing. “I don’t- I’ve lost it from here, I don’t know- I-I can’t track it without the train they-”

Shuu took her in his arms, hugging her tight. “You did good, you did fine, thank you,” he murmured, despite an emotional floodgate threatening to hit them both at once. ‘ _ We’ll find her, we’ll find her, we have to-’  _ was silently communicated through tight embrace.

“Hey, we need the schedule of every train that’s left from here today,” Banjou instructed the confused staff. “And all of your surveillance.”

When the staff didn’t immediately jump on the action, Kaneki leaned close to the guard’s face. “If you’d like to make it home to your family tonight, alive and not in a body bag, I suggest you do as you’re told,” came a hushed threat. With his skin crawling, the guard ordered his subordinates to collect whatever was needed, and then some, ‘Whatever these guys need, you do! And do it now!’

//

"Hm...I don't really know what humans need…" Tanaka spoke to himself, muttering as he reorganized piles of clothes and manga.

"I don't suppose you have food," Hori asked.

"How often do you feed a human?"

"Most of us eat three times a day."

"That's so much. How do you not get fat? I don't want to fatten you up, I don't think you'll be as pretty."

"I-I don't- I won't be pretty if you starve me either, you know."

"You're an annoying doll," Tanaka grumbled at Hori's insistence. "This is going to be a pain,” he sighed with exaggerated effort, pushing himself up to his feet. “How am I going to do this…”

_ Click, click, the thoughts clicked through her mind like a camera shutter.  _ “Have you ever had hotpot before?”

“I’ve seen it in shows.”

“Me too, but I’ve never been invited to one.”

“You’re supposed to get invited to them?”

“Normally. They’re good for this kind of weather, since it’s warm and easy. We can do that, if you’d like, just a lot of ramen. Can you eat ramen, if you add your own stuff to it?”

“Just two people?” He asked instead.

“Any number of friends works, so long as you’re with friends, right?”  _ ‘Friends’ _ was a heavy word, dripping with intentions she had no interest in, but survival occasionally requires a touch of deception. “We can cook together and watch a movie while we eat.”

“...Yeah, that could work. Oh,” he picked out a DVD case, a title she didn’t care to actually read. “Would you want to watch this one?”

“Of course!”

“...Just ramen? I’ve seen packages at the convenience store not far from here. Just one?”

“And an egg, and a green onion. That’s how you make cheap ramen better after all.” He nodded while she spoke, noting his instructions. “You go on ahead, I’ll clean up here and get everything ready.”

“...You promise to be good?”

“‘Good?’ I’m  _ excited _ , we’re going to have a dinner party!”

Her false enthusiasm seemed to rub off on him, as he nodded to himself, murmuring agreements that the concept of a ‘dinner party’ wasn’t one he expected but loved. “Okay, okay, one ramen, an onion and whatever a ‘green egg’ is.” 

_ No point in correcting him when she’d be far from here soon.  _ Her sweet smile hid the deceptive plan, well enough that she waved goodbyes and called for him to ‘hurry back, new friend!’ 

_ Battery acid _ , that’s what she tasted as she lied through her teeth, but that could be a problem for the TSC or a priest once this nightmare was over with. 

She didn’t listen to his excited reply, ignored it completely as she instead counted the number of footsteps she heard retreating, the number of doors closing- two, so she’ll need to get through some kind of hallway, maybe through a lobby? Steps to the east side, so it’ll be a right once she’s down the hall. When the steps were too quiet, she crawled her way to the door, as carefully as her dead leg allowed, and pressed her ear against it to ensure she counted right.  _ Now, how long do I give him before making a break for it?  _ 60 seconds seemed fair, since she’d likely be slow but needed to get out as soon as possible.

_ 60...59...58... _ she counted beneath her breath, until she reached zero, when she forced herself onto her right leg. She tested her balance, how well she’d be able to limp her way through a sprint-

the slightest misstep would be agony, but it was preferable to staying any longer; if it broke another ten times, it would still be worth it- before flinging the break room door open

She was right, it was a hallway first, but with more doors than she predicted. None had windows, so she had little hint about which was right, but trial and error would be her key. She took no more than three unbalanced leaps with her right leg, only using her left to keep upright when she reached the first-

A pin drop sound beside her, and her attention snapped to a blue bikaku tail, branched out, suspending Tanaka above the floor and into the shadows of the decrepit building.

It was a test, she realized with horror.

And a failed one at that.

“ _ Liar!”  _ was screeched, echoing through the walls as he lurched down, grabbing her hair in his fist and slamming her head into the wall beside her.

The wall cracked from the force and Hori didn’t have time to regret her mistake.

Out cold once again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm still pretty unhappy with this one, but the responses for last chapter were exactly what I was hoping for, thank you all so much.  
> I recently finished part four of Jojo and I'm convinced ppl who like three better are sociopaths.  
> Anyway thank you for reading this far once again and ily all and hope you have a great day!!


	18. Part II: Chapter 10

The faint smell, traces of oak trees and chemical-wretched photography developer…

Cruelty, for a smell normally so faint to stand out so much now, to cling to the walls and corridors and furniture of a home with more history than one mouse.

Trails through the home, outlining years of hidden adventures like lines on a map. 

“So,” Mirumo sighed, placing his cup back onto the saucer. “Our little mouse may be in danger after all.”

“There must be something else we have in the family to help.” Shuu was infuriated to have been sent home, told that the party would pick back up in the morning, as though the hours of inactivity on their part wouldn’t ensure Hori’s death. But exhaustion wore heavy on him, weeks worth of sleepless nights culminated into today’s travesty, and he had little fight left in him to argue with the other executives.

“You’ve searched for weeks, so you tell me. What do we have?”

“Nothing but shit,” Shuu muttered. 

“I’ll reach out to some old friends, see if they can lend us anything, maybe a helicopter and scanners. You, however, need to go to sleep.”

“How can I be expected to sleep at a time like this?” 

“Sleep keeps a man young and sharp. Why, I get 8 hours a night and don’t look a day over 30!”

“Bold of you to think-“

“Don’t hurt your father's pride here.” Mirumo took a sip from his cup, taking in the exhaustion, anxiety, fear and deterioration on his son's face. “It will be alright.”

“It’s not, Papa.” Fatigue wore his tone down.

“Do you trust me?”

“Well, of course but-”

“Do you trust your leader?”

“I’m...I’m not sure,” he admitted, recalling the strange aura, the repressed rage he gave off. It all felt misdirected. Shuu’s initial thoughts were simple: Kaneki wasn’t angry that Hori was taken, he was angry that he was wrong. “But Banjou-san took over things when Kaneki and I couldn’t. He’s a better leader these days than even I expected. Saying quite a bit, he’s always been trusted.”

“Hm, I worry that the United Front isn’t ‘united’ at all these days. But the goal here should be simple, to find our little one before she gets hurt. Go, sleep for now and let Papa handle things for tonight.”

//

Hori wasn't sure when she woke up; time felt disoriented and dizzy, as her mind had been swashing back and forth with sharp jolts of pain. when she regained enough courage to open her eyes, she was met with a dim beige room and a tight feeling around her right ankle. With cautious bravery, she lifted her head, only to immediately regret it. Nausea hit first, then the splitting headache caused by the low lights. A second wind of bravery, and she tried again, lifting her head and opening her eyes enough to examine the constraint on her ankle- a shackle, iron by the looks of it, connected her to a chain bolted into the wall.  _ How long did she sleep?  _ She wondered,  _ and how cold was she out that she didn't hear or feel any of this? _

“Good morning, dollie.”

Hori carefully turned to glare at Tanaka, only to be further disgusted by the grin on his sunken features.

“Ohh, don’t look so bitter,” he whined. “Look! I bought you things, I got some snacks and toys and even clothes.” He rambled as he rummaged through a shopping bag, placing random items like packaged ramen, candy and children’s toys in front of Hori. “Listen, I just want you to know, I’m not mad at you.”

“Not- you’re not mad at  _ me _ ?” She asked incredulously. 

“No, of course not. Commitment must be scary, but don’t worry, I’ll be such a good owner, you won’t even miss your old life.”

“The fuck are you talking about?”

Something that looked nearly human, like sadness, crossed his face. “You promised we’d be friends.  _ You  _ agreed to this. If anything, I should be upset with you for trying to leave after I was nice to you, but I’m a better person than that, and decided you can stay so long as you're a good doll and do as I say.”

Hori felt sick to her stomach, from the concussion or from the conversation, she wasn't sure.

“And I mean, look at how cute this is?” He spoke again as he pulled a cat ear accessory from the plastic shopping bag. Seemingly unaware of her struggling against him, he placed the headband on her head, delighted with the result. “Once that ugly bruise on your face heals, this will be so perfect. Should I get you a maid dress too?”

Hori snuck glances around the room, in desperate hopes of planning her next escape. More steps will be needed, a thinner window of opportunity and more planning, which meant-

If she didn’t want to get hurt again, she’d need to play along.

“What...should I call you, then?” She asked hesitantly.

His eyes widen with the surprise of a detail he hadn’t considered. “Oh...hm…Tana-sama?”

Through gritted teeth, Hori tried to sound sweet. “Okay...Tana-sama.”

With energized excitement, Tanaka stood to cross the room, collecting his DVD player and a few choices for movies, giving Hori a moment to search for the key to her anklet. “This is fun, I’m having so much fun! What should we watch?  _ Sailor Moon, Princess Tutu,  _ maybe _ Madoka _ ?”

The shine from a key ring clipped to his jeans was the first glimmer of hope Hori had felt since she woke up. “Whatever you like, Tana-sama,” she murmured, fighting the spinning of her vision as the lights flickered above her. “Whatever you’d like.”

_ // _

He wasn't sure how he had gotten here, couldn't remember waking up, or coming here on his own, he only realized the coming of consciousness, the self awareness he felt as the soft breeze crossed him. An endless valley of lilies surrounded him gently waving with the wind. He glanced around, tuning in a full circle to find an end to the field, with none in sight. 

It felt so familiar here, but the circumstances weren't adding up. He checked himself: white strands of hair in his face, so this couldn't have been from childhood. His clothes weren't the tattered remains of a uniform but black jeans and a white sweater, confirming this wasn't from his aorigi escape. It also meant he wasn't an investigator, or a suicidal to-be martyr.

_ So who was he, _ he wondered.

Without a real direction, he started walking, with hopes it was the right direction to choose. The valley smelled of pollen and cut stems. If it weren't such an omen, he would consider the lilies to be beautiful. Lilies meant death, and he could only worry that this meant his own again. 

He walked for an eternity, a minute, a decade or an hour without knowing for certain. Time was strange here, there was no sky, no sun to gauge- it resembled a grid.  _ How...odd. _

A sudden change in the ground, or rather an abnormally large rock, tripped him and sent him to the ground. With some complaints, he investigated, only to brush away lilies and soil to reveal a gravestone.

Etched into stone was a name he knew well.

Kaneki Ichika

December 5th, 2012- November ??, 2020. 

The date was worn and scratched but clear enough, its point came across.

_ No, no, no, that's not possible. _

With panic through his veins, he dug with his bare hands, soil and blood alike beneath his nails, dug until he couldn't see the lilies or vacant grid of a sky, dug until the earth revealed a brown wooden casket, too aged for the amount of time it should be here.

Adding splinters beneath his nails, he pried to box open, and sighed in relief that the face wasn't that of his daughter. Guilt, however, sickened him immediately as he recognized it as Chie Hori, bloodied and beaten but peaceful-looking regardless. 

He looked up, over his shoulder to the now black and white checkerboard sky- did he read the name wrong? It must be some kind of mistake-

"How does it feel, Kaneki-san?" Chie asked. His attention snapped back to her, she was awake though just barely. "...To lose one of your own...have you ever actually felt that?"

What was she talking about? Of course he had. He's fought wars. There will always be casualties in war, there will be losses on both sides.

"Am I just a causality?"

No, not necessarily…

"You're willing to make me one all the same, to protect your family from a threat that doesn't exist. How prideful."

Prideful?

Her body-  _ corpse-  _ sprung up to meet him eye to eye, demanding his attention.

"Have you really ever lost someone?"

Kaneki found himself jolted awake, sweating through a sleep shirt for another countless night in a row. The alarm clock set beside him wouldn't beep for another four hours, 3:12am presented without shame. Exhausted hands ran through his hair, pulling it from his face, sweat ridden locks sticking to skin and slicked back, as he muttered to himself about needing coffee.

//

"Your hair's soft."

"Thanks…"

"It's too short though. We can't really do anything cute with it."

"Guess we'll have to be patient…Give it time, it will grow out."

"Or I can get a wig. Can you style wigs? Like into pigtails or braids?"

Hori grimaced as he sat behind her, brushing through her hair, pulling knots and twisted strands without regard. She bit down hard on her lip, to repress not only a pained yelp but the urge to snap at him.

Abruptly, he yanked particularly hard, with intention. "Answer me."

"I don't know," she muttered. "I've never owned one."

"Next time, don't ignore me," he warned, resuming softer passes with the brush. "Your hair color is too light too. Your skin is pretty and pale, but if your hair was black, it'd make you look like porcelain."

Broken like porcelain, Hori could only reminisce on home, on her life before all this.

Keeping track of time was nearly impossible; whether she had been trapped for a day or a week, she couldn't tell, but it felt as though it didn't matter.

_ 'What's Shuu doing right now? Is he upset that I'm not there? Is he at Kaneki's side? Surely… surely I'm missed to some extent?' _

She'd die here, alone and helpless. She would never see Shuu or Mirumo, or Hinami and Minato or… anyone but the monster behind her.

A single silent tear dropped down her cheek, quickly whisked away out of fear of angering him. 

He noticed despite her efforts, twisting around to glimpse at her face. "What's wrong, dollie, are you hungry?"

"No, no, I'm okay."

He snaked around her, examining the sad, downcast eyes. “You’re sad.”

“It’s fine, I’m sorry, I’m just-” she stammered through excuses that he didn’t buy.

“What is it?”

“I...just miss my friends a bit. That’s all.”

“But they don’t care about you. They’d have gotten you by now, remember? You’re alone like me, buuut now you’re not! You’re mine now.” His voice was soft, but something dark hid beneath it. With a tight grip, he took her chin in his hand. “You’re my friend now, and no one else’s. Got that?” She nodded weakly. “Then look happy about it.”

“W-what?”

“Smile.”

“You...You can’t just tell a girl to smile and expect-”

“Maybe you didn’t hear me,” he warned, tightening his hand to a painful extent around her face, nails digging into her cheeks. “I said to be happy. Now, look the part.”

With poor strength, she forced a smile.

“...Now I’m convinced you’re just trying to hurt my feelings.”

“I’m not-”

“Pathetic, really. I make one friend and she can’t even be bothered to be happy. Maybe…” his hand abruptly released her face, only to drop to her fractured thigh, a soft touch caressing the center of exposed skin, just above thigh high stockings. “Maybe...Hm...You really do look like porcelain.” He slowly rubbed his thumb across the skin, just to increase the pressure with each pass. “How’s this feeling by the way? Humans are so weak, you break so easily, and take so long to heal…”

“Please don-”

“Like porcelain,” he smiled as he used inhumane strength to add another crack to the bone.

//

A coffee pot percolating wasn't nearly enough to make him enthusiastic, the smell wasn't nearly strong enough to keep his eyes from closing back on their own as he stood, pressed to the counter for support.

_ Have you ever really lost someone? _

Of course he had; coworkers, friends, ghouls and CCG investigators alike were lost. And often, they were lost because of him.

_ So is that what this is about?  _ He wondered. 

"Hope you're not planning on going into the field at four in the morning."

"Not the field, per say," he admitted. "Figured I could start from home. We have a shit ton of intel to go through, schedules and video and-"

"Not the right answer," Touka chided. She came to his side, holding her robe closed as she watched him meticulously prepare coffee. "You need sleep. You need to go back to bed."

"I have to get back to work."

"Like hell you do. It's too early for this, and you've barely slept."

"I'm fine, Touka."

"You think so?"

"What do you want from me?" He muttered.

"I want to know what the fuck is going on with you."

"What's going- What are you  _ talking about?  _ Are you sure you're not the one that needs sleep?"

She scoffed, glancing around the kitchen as she decided if this was a battle she was ready to have.

It was one she didn’t feel ready to fight, but needed to regardless. "I heard Tsukiyama came by recently. Ichika told me."

"Yeah, and? He's vice rep, and my friend. Not unheard of, you know."

"Hm, yeah. Which is why your daughter was pretty upset that he seemed really sad, and...you weren't 'very nice to him.'"

"Need to have another talk with her about eavesdropping, I see."

Touka leaned over the counter, aggravated as he answered the wrong part of every question, picking the wrong point out of each argument she made. "She asked me- your daughter was near tears asking me- oh do you want to guess?”

“ _ Really  _ not up for games right now.”

“‘Did Daddy kill Shuu's family?'"

"I- what-" In disbelief, he placed the kettle down. "You didn't tell her the truth."

Touka scoffed again, incredulous. "You want me to lie? Like she's not going to find out who you are?"

"That's not me anymore," he answered short.

"You think that, you're so insistent, but you're- how do you not see it? The headaches, insomnia, the cracking-your-knuckles, the  _ cruelty _ , Ken, it comes back in cycles."

"I'm trying to protect us, protect  _ you  _ and  _ her!" _

"Don't," Touka warned with a cold tone, "don't you  _ dare _ raise your voice to me."

"I'm just not that person anymore, and I don't like being accused of otherwise."

"You're not a hero right now either."

"I never said I was. I just- what do you want, for me to sit back with a sick fuck on the loose? I've been sick for weeks with nightmares of it being her, of Ichika being next. All I can think is 'what if my own daughter was the next victim?' I know why people are furious with us for not fixing this, and- and I'm getting shit left and right for being  _ passionate  _ about this? Why am I in the wrong for wanting what's  _ right? Answer me. _ "

A slight pause, and Touka instead asked "Do you even feel this?” Mirroring him, she tapped her cheek below, referencing the single blackened eye glaring through her. “‘Cause I don’t think you know what you look like right now.”

He blinked, realizing she was right. Self conscious, he covered his eye with his hand, hoping that hiding it from the world would be enough to deny his true nature.

The rage that's taken him for weeks had warped his self-perception.  _ It happens in cycles _ , as poor coping skills and recurring trauma eventually pull him back into habits and behaviors he hated as much as he still hated himself.

"Have I...have I really not been myself recently?"

"No," Touka answered, quicker than he liked. "No, you're not."

Hearing the truth hurt more than he expected. 

Searching the countertop with his one human eye wasn’t going to provide an easy answer for years of tormented and twisted morality, but what else was there, he wondered.

His family, his friends, coworkers, the TSC, they deserve better than an unstable and cruel, manipulative leader. 

"Do you remember after Ichika was born," Touka continued, "and we talked about pulling away from this? From 'leadership' and let everyone else take care of things?"

"I do, but-"

Touka wrapped her arms around him, resting her head on his shoulder."The world doesn't need you to save it anymore. You did more than enough. You can step back, Ken, and let the world be."

"I can't-," he admitted, holding her right as though he could protect her with an embrace alone.

"Well, maybe that doc can give ya Xanax."

"Touka-"

"I'm half joking," she sighed, "but once this mission's done, I think it's time to take a break."

With uncertainty, reality seemingly fracturing around him, he murmured that maybe she was right.

//

Lying on the hard concrete floor of the radio station, she connected patterns in the stick-on, glow-in-the-dark stars on the ceiling. Hori worried that the green glow in an otherwise pitch black room was the closest she would see to the night sky.

How often had she taken rooftop evenings for granted? A night like this, with a future so uncertain, she feared she would never have another chance to make amends. 

Tanaka's heavy even breathing signified his sleep, but what use did it make? Hori had spent her day trying to plan another escape, a way of getting the key to her anklet chain, but with less and less hope.

Was he right? Were her friends looking for her?

What constellations hid tonight, behind the light pollution and fog of the city? Her father would probably know, he always knew the constellations, their names and yearly debuts and which stars were actually planets.

Sleep eventually took her, without her consideration, as the exhaustion was overpowering. Stress induced sleep meant she felt awake, heard creaks of the foundation and the snores of the bastard beside her, but she was more or less paralyzed.

With the hours, she fell deeper until she awoke in a different place and time altogether.

"What...What's this?" She asked herself, immediately fearing she might have woken her captor. 

But he was nowhere to be found- Hori suddenly realized where she was, despite the impossibility of it.

Her childhood home, just before she moved to Tokyo. _That's_ _right_ , _we didn't always live in a city...Dad worked as a lineman in the country…_

She looked up to the vast sky, filled not with skyscrapers and billboards but stars.

"Whoa!" Her own voice said, but it wasn't she who said it. She followed to find herself, almost four years old, dangerously perched on the porch railing.

"Careful, Hori," her father chided with a chuckle, before falling into a coughing for he struggled to recover from. "We do live on the second floor. You don't want to break your leg do you?"

_ Papa. _

"Was that one called?" Tiny hands pointed to an obscure shape she made herself.

"Well, I'm not sure. Maybe you discovered a new constellation altogether! But that one," he knelt beside her, hand guiding her hand to the stars of Orion's Belt. "That one, is Orion. It's one of the easiest to find."

Hori watched from the edge of the porch, watching her childhood self and father spend one of his last few nights together.

She woke again, this time to beige walls and a chain around her ankle and, as silently as she could manage, she wallowed in misery.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> nnn not my favorite but a lot it just felt about time to call KK out on his shit, right?  
> Sorry for delays in updating, it's been another one of those weeks, as have the last, like, six weeks lmao  
> Let me know what you guys think, what ya felt, what you're hoping to see next update!  
> ily all, have a good day, pls take care of yourselves


	19. Part II: Chapter 11

The sounds of DVD buttons were like laptop keys, clicking and echoing a similar sentiment: despite calling themselves her "friend," Hori was miserably alone in this world. 

Hours of laying in the flickering lights gave her plenty of time to realize that. She always was, and always would be alone. She was right, after all; Hinami and Shuu were both better off without her.

How has she managed to crawl her way into Hinami's life? Through pure luck and happenstance, not from any act of worthiness. Hinami was everything she thought a woman should be: beautiful, kind, generous and loving. She was strong, fiercely strong, despite more trauma than Hori had ever felt. She didn't deserve to be seen by someone so pure, let alone called "friend."

How many years did she use Shuu, just as much as he used her? The scales were certainly tipped in his favor, but really, she was just as awful a friend to him as she accused him of being to her. Years of openly expressing annoyance at his presence, despite him being the only other person to ever approach her. She'd never made a friend in school before him. No one bothered, and why should they? She wasn't sociable, to begin with.

Why did someone like him ever bother with someone like her? She brought his reputation down with her, and yet he found her every lunch break to ask what she was photographing, what she had planned for the weekend, invited her to parties and to spend time together.

Why did he bother? Why did  _ anyone _ bother?

Startling her from a miserable spiral, Tanaka insisted she crawl her way to him, declaring they would watch a show together. She did as she was told, struggling against disoriented vision and her fractures, to his side.

She didn't fight as he insisted she lay down, head in his lap so he could pet her hair while watching a show _.  _

"This is nice, isn't it?" he asked as he combed his hand through her hair. "Spending time with friends."

If he noticed her crying, he was at least kind enough this time to ignore it, as silent streams stained her cheeks. 

It was odd, that without prompting or guidance, her thoughts ventured back to Shuu, over and over again. Time that should have been used to plan on getting the key on Tanaka's belt loop were wasted thinking about what she considered the "good old days," the days of just the two of them versus all of Seinan, the days before Rize and Kaneki, the days that she wasn't living in the shadow of newer muses.

_ // _

Quiet crackles of electricity were always followed by the flickering of the overhead lights. If the rest of the building was as poorly maintained as the break room, Hori felt it was remarkable the entire place hadn't collapsed in on itself already. 

_ Right along a fault line.  _

Hori wondered if she had that kind of luck, for the entire place to collapse around her. The cold of the outside world seeped into the room, through the foundation cracks, and she shivered. 

With careful effort to cradle her head, Hori rolled to look at Tanaka- he was crouched in his normal place in front of the small device.

"Tana-sama?"

"Hm?"

"It's really cold in here. Could...we turn the heater on?"

"Tch, needy," he complained quietly, reaching over to adjust the setting on the portable heater one setting higher. Once clicked 'on,' the lights above flickered and the microwave's timer reset, and the sound of quiet crackling.

... _ Right on a fault line… _

Hori wondered how far she would need to push the building before it collapsed in on itself. 

Careful glances between the overhead lights and the heater, the lamp and the outlets-

_ Click _

//

The exhausted TSC members sat along the bartop counter at :Re, scavenging hopelessly through surveillance and timestamps and schedules to find the path. 

Three days had passed since the initial mission started. To be exact, 76 hours, 44 minutes, and 12 seconds, not that Shuu was counting- not that every minute that they lost altered their changes of success, of finding the mouse alive, ' _ they say after the first 48 hours, if a case isn't solved-' _

The reason they were struggling was merely cunningness on their opponent's part. Transfers at one station that didn't have great communication with the first, to another with more surveillance blind spots than the second, to a  _ fourth _ on a rural line, just to return to the city on a fifth?

"For a bastard without any education, he's sure good at this shit," Banjou complained. The maps and schedules in front of him splayed out with red lines, sticky notes and scribbled arrows. Good old detective work was becoming the only answer.

"Put your papers away," Touka suddenly demanded, holding a tray with plates of food. Following close behind was Ichika, a platter held high above her head that she focused intensely on keeping balanced. "Time for a break, whether you want it or not."

A rumble of groaned responses echoes back, just to be bit back with insistence that she wouldn’t take no for an option. In front of each member, she placed down a plate, with reminded insistence that ‘Hungry ghouls are dumb ghouls because they make dumb choices.’

With a touch more emphasis, she placed the final plate down in front of Shuu, before lowering down to the bar to catch his eyes. “‘Ey, you listening? You gotta eat.”

“Not hungry,” he answered shortly. 

Touka sighed. She took cautious glances between Ken- Ken, who hadn’t been himself in some time, sat in near unobstructed silence, not present, lost from reality and in rounds of flashback-like daydreams- down the end of the bar, and Shuu - looking just as lost, just as untethered, but with motivation to keep anchored to the ground. 

She felt a genuine sense of pity. “I know you’re worried about your girlfriend, believe me I get it. But you’re no good to her dead either, ya know?”

“I’m not dead yet,” he argued, returning to his work. 

Despite concerns, she left him be, opting to keep a closer eye on her unstable husband.

Shuu’s plate sat unattended for too long, neglected as every other meal had been since this mission had been declared, as he spent whatever energy he had tracing lines on maps and down lines of data.

“Do you not like it?” A quiet voice spoke from just above the bar top. 

“Hm?” He glanced up to find Ichika, standing on her tiptoes behind the counter, watching him with wide eyed intensity. “Not like...what?”

“The food,” she pushed the plate an inch closer. “Mama’s a good cook, I promise.”

“I-I know,  _ tesoro,  _ I’m just, I’m a little busy, that’s all.”

Ichika hummed, seemingly unhappy with the response. Her mismatched eyes bore into him with something stronger than childlike curiosity. “When I don’t want to eat dinner, Mama eats with me. Do you want me to do that with you?”

Shuu sighed, placing his papers down. He leaned against the countertop, lowered to her eye level. “You know what?”

“What?”

“It would be my  _ honor _ to have lunch with a princess. But _ ,” _ Shuu motioned for her to come closer, and waited for her to climb higher on the countertop. “I need a favor from you first.”

“What is it?”

“I need you to ask your uncle...when ‘he plans on asking her.’”

“Asking...who...what?”

“Just asking. No need to get into it. And if he asks who told you, you say Banjou-san, okay?”

Ichika’s brows furrowed as she considered what her instructions meant, but hopped down from the counter. 

It wasn’t a smile, no, but the closest hint of a grin came across Shuu’s face as he pulled the plate closer to himself, listening to Ayato stammer and panic and clasp his hand tight around his niece’s mouth while Hinami asked what was wrong with him.

//

Hori pulled, straining with all her might, on the bolted end of the chain sticking out of the wall. Despite the obvious structural damage to the building, the massive cracks that ran meters long, she found she wasn’t lucky enough for this wall to merely collapse with the effort. 

With a final attempt, she heaved until her body couldn’t hold on, and she fell back and hit her disoriented head against the ground, whiting her vision again. Through sheer willpower, she kept conscious, slowly sitting herself back up.

Tanaka had left her alone, though how long ago, Hori couldn’t tell - or how long she had left without him. It felt as though hubris gave him the ability to leave her unattended, now that he’s attached a leash to his pet. 

_ ‘Pet,’ ‘Doll’, will I always be compared to possessions? _ She wondered with an added touch of pessimism. 

Hori gave up on the chain, turning instead to the desolate room for anything that could be made into tools. The cat ears held a metal wire inside, a possible lockpick, or maybe-

"Neko-chan~" Tanaka greeted as he approached, giving her just a second to abandon her scheming. Brushing away any rubble that may have hinted to her attempts, Hori sat in obedience, as he welcomed himself back to the room with more 'gifts' of clothes and snacks. It took more effort for her to feign interest than it did to try and rip chains from the wall with her bare hands. 

"You look tired, today, kitten. Oh, look, look at what I got today," Tanaka spoke with pride as he dumped the contents of another bag, manga scattering around them. "I want you to read this to me."

Hori cautiously reached for the closest one, a  _ Shugo Chara _ novel, and ran her finger tips down the paperback cover. "If that's what you want…" she murmured. 

Tanaka grabbed a different volume, kicking the rest into a haphazard pile beside the heater. "Start with this one," he instructed, sitting himself behind her and forcing her to sit on his lap. She took the book as she was told, flipping the cover open. 

She could hardly focus on the page as Tanaka's hand ran through her hair, combing through messy locks. Her body involuntarily shivered, only to flinch in fear of what reaction he would have. The feeling of breath on her, the weight of eyes bearing through the back of her head, the aura of pride that enveloped, wrapped and choked her-

She tried to swallow back the feeling of disgust as she narrated the manga, reading through the pages of the novel with bare enthusiasm, hushed impressions of characters she couldn’t care any less about.

"Stop reading," he suddenly commanded. She did, stopping mid-sentence and cautiously glancing over her shoulder at him.

A disgusting expression, something smug, arrogant, in his eyes made her shudder again. "Tell me about your friends."

"...W-what?"

"Your friends. You said you have two friends. Tell me about them."

"...Why...What do you...want to know?" Her heart beat fed adrenaline through her veins, recalling that her last time talking about them earned her a second break in her injured leg.

"Tell me."

"...Like I told you, they would be happier without me. They probably  _ are _ happier without me."

"Hmm?" He hummed to egg her on. 

“My...my one friend just had a baby, a cute little boy with his mom’s eyes and his dad’s hair," Hori started. "Even with a newborn, she makes time to spend with me, even though I’ve been nothing but terrible to her family. She’s a really good friend to me, better than I deserve…”

Tanaka seemed deep in thought, nodding. “And the other friend?”

“Childhood friend, from high school...A guy who I’ve had to take care of for the last ten years like a child...He’s in love with someone he’ll never be with, and he’s been ruining his own life ever since. I’m just a glorified babysitter, making sure he eats and sleeps, or stopping him from turning his liver black. But, really, I think he’d be happier if I wasn’t there to constantly remind him of reality. I just hurt them both.”

“Living in a fantasy is easier. Hurts less.”

“People don’t like having their scabs picked at,” she agreed in a mutter.

"Have you ever been in love?"

Hori looked down, scanning the ground with hopeless scrutiny. "I don't think so."

"You don't  _ think _ so?"

"No. I don't think so."

"Interesting."

_ It wasn't interesting _ , she thought.  _ It was pathetic. _

"No one will love you," Tanaka had reminded her, hugging her from behind and resting his chin on her shoulder "no one but me. You should be grateful I'm willing to do even that, with how terribly you act."

_ 'Every living thing dies, and dies alone.'  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I like to do this thing where I post a chapter after weeks of not posting, without proof reading, because if I don't post it when I have this small burst of energy, it will never be done  
> I hope you're having a nice day, drink your water, take your meds if you need them, please stay safe and remember that ily ok thank you, bye bye


	20. Part II: Chapter 12

Green glow stick-on stars,  _ is there any chance it's daylight?  _ Hori laid on her back, a thin blanket beneath her and a splitting headache to keep her awake. The concussion made her nauseous every few hours. It made her vision spin at random.

A shake in the floor- Hori prayed it was another earthquake _ , just let the whole place collapse - _ caused by a snore was just another factor forcing her awake. She slowly turned to examine how his thin frame jutted in all directions, limbs twisted as he slept on the floor beside her. She was surprised at first, surprised that he opted to sleep beside her rather than on the couch on the other side of the room. 

But with his hubris came the cracking of a window, the first glimpse of an opportunity.

Tanaka slept in his day clothes, with the key to the shackle clipped to his belt. Her eyes trained to it, to the glimmer along silver keys in the dark. 

_ 'How heavy does he sleep? How loud would the lock be? Can I keep my voice down if I hit my leg?'  _ Questions swirled through her head at rapid fire speed, too fast to even answer. Her heart pounded in its cage, so hard that she feared the sound of it alone would wake him.

When the questions became too much, too  _ bureaucratic  _ of an approach, she held her breath tight in her lungs and forced herself to sit upright. She watched his breathing stay even, the snores consistent, before bravely leaning into her right knee. With effort, she dragged herself closer. ' _ Cruel for such a disgusting face to look so peaceful'  _ she thought, turning her attention to the belt loop. 

Shaking hands couldn't be trusted, but they were her only option. One shot, she noted, she would have one shot to unclip it. Another shot to unlock herself. Even less than one to run. Chances were stacked against her.

But chances were chances, nonetheless. 

A silent exhale was followed by another deep breath in, held tight. She focused her vision as much as her head allowed, eyes scrunching in concentration. Her hand reached, slowly and unsurely but with resolution, to the key.

_ Like a crane machine, like an impossible game with only one token, victory is essential-  _

Small hands landed on the carabiner, trembling enough to tug at the jeans they were attached to. Skilled hands, the perfect trigger finger of a camera operator, Hori managed a quick clip and unhooked it. Her eyes darted back to his face, to the slack jawed snore that confirmed that luck was on her side. Keeping her breathing even, keeping her heart from erupting, was almost as hard as suppressing the overjoyed giggle she wanted to let out. It was premature, it's too early to celebrate, but it felt like the end of a nightmare. 

As quietly as she could, she scooted backwards, back to her blanket, giving the chain less give. It will have to be silent when she removes it. She has to be ready. 

Her hands could hardly hold a single key, sweat slicked palms only making things worse. ' _ Why is there more than one key?' _ She wondered, fearful of how her one-third chance felt. 

Random selection, she chose one and straightened her leg out. Eyes darted between the shackle and Tanaka.  _ Quiet.  _

She tried the key, only to find it wouldn't even enter the lock. She bit back the urge to audibly curse, as nerve wrecked hands moved for the next option. She lined the key, and felt the satisfaction of it sinking into the hole, only to curse again as it wouldn't turn. The third key- it looked so mundane but held her fate- was the last to be pinched tight between her fingers. She took in a deep breath, readying herself to run, to hear the click and run, to  _ run- _

A quiet yawn, a stretch and crack, the sounds of Tanaka waking and Hori's heart stopped altogether. The room turned to silence, oppressing silence.

"...mmh, 'oring…" he grumbled, yawning again. 

Terror filled eyes watched him as she clenched the key ring in her hand. She watched as instrint overcame her, as she withdrew from her ankle and clenched it tight in her fist. As he rolled, absently mumbling in his sleep, she slipped the carabiner under her shirt and in her bra. 

“Morning Tana-sama,” she murmured, her voice dazed as the glow of getting away with something set in.

It was too risky to run now, not without an edge. It was sure to only end her chances altogether. 

For now, she decided, she would wait.

//

Anger, rage, hopelessness, depression; rinse and repeat. The emotional rollercoaster had left the vice-representative exhausted beyond mental fatigue, drained to lifelessness. 

Connecting dots on train cars and maps was the only thing keeping him alive.

Shuu rubbed his face, feeling his own cheekbones protruding. 

Four days, and they still couldn't pinpoint a location, only an approximate range of possibilities. 

Sleep only came after a bottle and a half, only leading to restless, dreamless nights. 

There are only so many possible locations,  _ one _ of these places has to be it. 

“You don’t look well,” his father commented, as has everyone else who wasn’t personally assigned to the task of finding the mouse. The entirety of the team had become despondent. 

The first mention of “calling it quits” was a near fatal choice of words for a lowly white suit member. It was only with some surprise that Shuu’s reaction was overpowered by Banjou’s, who had threatened to eliminate anyone who was so cruel as to leave a member behind. With a tight grip around their throat, Banjou had made a declaration, a  _ warning  _ rather, that anyone who wasn’t willing to see a mission through to the end wasn’t welcome on any team of his. 

Banjou took to overseeing the operation. It only seemed to make sense, as Shuu’s mental health was deteriorating and Kaneki seemingly spent his time in a different realm of reality, lost to anyone who tried to wake him. 

“Papa,” Shuu finally murmured, pushing the laptop away from him if only to give himself a moment of a break. “What do I do...if we finally find where she was taken and it’s too late?” 

“That’s what you made a will for, is it not?”

Called out, Shuu feigned shock and surprise, convincing no one. 

//

"Cat ears or maid costume? Or...What was this one, a princess or..." He murmured to himself as he searched through a pile of children's costumes. "Preference?"

“Do I really get a choice?” She muttered beneath her breath.

"Quite an attitude today… Shall I remind you what bad behavior leads to?" 

"No, no, I-I'll be good."

"Good girl," he murmured, pleased with her fearful obedience. Despite her behaving, Tanaka watched her with a careful eye, scrutinizing her movements with suspicion. “Get changed,” he demanded as he threw the dress in hand at her. She caught the fabric, testing it in her hands as he continued unexpectedly: “All of your clothes.”

“...What?”

“Everything.”

"W-why?"

" _ I'm  _ the master here. Now," he motioned for her to start. 

She clutched the dress tight, her elbow digging into her side to keep the key pressed into her skin as she began to sweat in fear.  _ 'Did he notice it's missing? Have I been acting different enough that he figured it out?' _

Overthinking would only hurt her appearance of innocence, she reasoned, but how to hide it…

She carefully dropped the dress, pressing the fabric out to smooth any wrinkles in the material as she thought. 

"What's taking so long?"

She bit the inside of her cheek, hoping her poker face wouldn't betray her as she unbuttoned the carignan Saiko had given her, removing it with intentionally slow movements. With the same cautious speed, she slipped her shirt over her head and let it join the carignan. 

_ Fuck, fuck, how do I-  _

A power surge overcame the room, dimming the lights and resetting the electronics. 

A stroke of luck.

"God damn, piece of shit place," Tanaka complained, his attention taken for only a second-

An exact second for Hori to slip the cabineer from her bra, to beneath the blanket, folded once to hide. She let out a sigh, an anxious breath of relief. 

His eyes returned to her, scanning her changed posture and hurried movements as she changed as quickly as possible. 

"Happy?" She asked

"I still don't like your attitude," he complained, but left it be. Seemingly satisfied with the result, he doted over her appearance, circling her like a shark to prey, to pet her hair and pinch her cheek and coo as though she were truly a precious doll.

Her leg ached beneath her, but the adrenaline of her second strike of good luck made the pain go unnoticed. 

//

_ ‘825...818...811...804’  _

_ The scratching sound, scratching through the inner ear, scratching scratching, it never fucking stops- _

_ Counting numbers aloud to no one, his only company being the white and black checkerboard flooring and the echoes of scratching in his head.  _

_ A different sound tried to fight its way through, but it was paid no mind. More important things to focus on, survival alone, 797…790...783... _

_ That sound again, the legs of a creature crawling through his nervous system, sliding down his spine with each of its thousand legs caressing individual vertebrae; it felt disgusting but it was better to feel that discomfort than to hear it, to feel the waves of terror as it rocked from one side of his skull to another _

_ Every now and then, he would brave enough to move an appendage, testing that the joints of fingers were there, that they still had a purpose. Each finger, one by one, over and over just for the assurance. _

_ 776, 769, 762, 755, 748 _

_ Competing voices fought for his attention: one in the form of echoed numbers and the other was still unnamed, unintelligible. 741. It was persistent, whatever it was, trying to break through with more and more strength. _

_ The sound of “...add…” was caught between scratches. 734, 737, 730, 723. Add? Ad-dy, ‘addy?’ 716, 709. _

_ “...reou oka…” _

_ 702. _

_ What the fuck is that? _

_ 695. _

_ Not what, but  _ **_who_ ** _ is that _

“Are you okay?” Ichika asked again, while her small hand tugged on his sleeve.

“Ichika,” Ken muttered once, as the name came to him before the recognition. Then, like a light switch, his mind throttled from a dissociative flashback to a panic attack. His body seemingly connected his surroundings back to reality faster than his mind could handle; the smell of coffee, the white marble countertop, the bartop stools, evidence of a home that shouldn’t have been his.

“Fuck,” was the only other thing he could manage to say, as his own heartbeat was as loud as the scratching.

“Mama says you’re not supposed to say ‘fuck,’” Ichika stated, matter-of-fact. “Only ‘when shit’s really bad, can you say that word.'”

Ken rubbed his eyes- feeling one burning, demanding- and tried to catch his breath.

“...Are things really bad?” She asked. “Because, if they are, you can say ‘fuck’ and Mama can’t get upset.”

“Have you  _ met  _ your mother” He muttered, trying desperately to grasp reality.

“It’s okay because I have a secret: Mama said ‘fuck’ when she spilled a cup of tea of a customer the other day. So I think you’re okay.”

“A whole cup of tea?”

“It fell on his lap.”

“That sounds awful,” he agreed, scratching at the back of his neck absently. He looked down at her, drawn in by the intense gaze she had.

Her eyes were so captivating, equally matched curiosity with empathy, more worry than a child her age should have but with the understanding that the world can be cruel  _ and _ kind.

It wasn’t realistic, he reasoned, it wasn’t logical, for someone like  _ him  _ to have been a part of making someone like  _ her.  _ A daughter with so many of his traits, so much of his reflection,  _ ‘how can something as rotten and vile as me make something as beautiful and pure as her?’ _

She was the one thing keeping him in reality, the one thing that’s made staying alive worth it. Despite the scratching sounds and acid taste, he quietly beckoned for her to come closer, to just spend a few minutes together, for him to hold her and accept what he still couldn't understand.

The world can be cruel and kind, and so can he.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think I've managed to give the one character without trauma...trauma. Wasn't my intention, poor thing, I really do love Hori  
> I'm also working on some, like, fluff pieces to post throughout the holiday, or maybe set up some kind of tsukichie week (I mean, the week between Hori's and Shuu's birthdays is just a great opportunity) but I also have little will left in me so ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ will post again as soon as I can, I'm really grateful to see the hit count going up every time I come back, so if you're a new reader or a returning, I'm so appreciate and ily


	21. Part II: Chapter 13

She didn't remember falling asleep, but she woke to a hushed conversation in a panic stricken voice. Tanaka had huddled himself in one of the break room corners, sitting on his heels with a flip phone to his ear. The phone looked to Hori like a common burner phone, likely a convenience store prepaid. 

From the tone, the pleading voice that mumbled apologies, Hori could only tell that the person on the other end was berating Tanaka. 

"...No, no, I-I know I said she…I  _ know  _ but I was wrong, s-she wouldn't…"

_ 'They're talking about me?' _

"...well, I-I was just hoping I could keep her."

" _ You what?!"  _ The other end of the phone screeched loud enough for Hori to hear. 

With anxious intrigue, she sat up, adjusting her weight to her right leg as she leaned as close as she could without getting up. 

"I just...I don't want to give her up. She's my friend and _ …No, no,  _ I _... _ But. _.. _ Un-understood…" The phone flipped closed. Tanaka turned to Hori, not surprised that she was listening, and only offered a sad smile. "Sorry. Did I wake you?"

"I woke up on my own, I was thirsty...Can I have some water, Tana-sama?"

"Oh. Yeah, yeah," he murmured, lost in thought as he searched for a cup. 

"...Is something wrong, Tana-sama?"

"Oh, uhm," Tanaka was oddly distant, and avoided looking at her. He filled the glass with tap water and set it down in front of her without making eye contact. "Well, it just seems that I'm not allowed to keep you."

"Not…'allowed?'" She repeated, picking the cup up, clenching it tight.

"It's a bit above my pay grade. I don't get to call the shots."

Hori bit at her lower lip, trembling. "Meaning...meaning you're bringing me to the auction anyway."

"Afraid so," he sighed. "I really was hopeful, I thought that maybe if I explained that we're friends, they'd let you go. But," he sighed again, "I just don't make those kinds of calls."

The silence lingered, a heavy atmosphere, before a sudden, unexpected break:

Laughter, starting at a snicker and escalating to a bark, escaped Hori. Tanaka stared at her, surprised by the outburst.

"W-why are you-"

"You're telling me," she managed to choke between laughs, "what you're telling me, is I played along with this  _ bullshit _ , I let you dress me up and touch me and treat me like a possession...and you're going to sell me anyway?"

"I-I- _ "  _

"I've been playing along in this stupid fucking game and you're not even high enough on the food chain to decide for yourself?"

"I'm not- You better stop laughing at me-"

"You're not even your own boss?"

"I'm warning you-"

"I can't believe you're this  _ pathetic!"  _

_ "Shut the fuck up!"  _ He demanded. The glowing blue bikaku tail snuck its way down his leg and curled at the floor, ready to strike.

" _ No!"  _ Hori shouted back. The window was closing, her opportunity escaping before her eyes. She had to strike and strike  _ now.  _ It was a gamble if her plan would even work, but she lunged for the portable heater, cranking the dial to its max setting.

The act seemed random, baffling Tanaka for a brief moment, but he watched with tense interest. He chuckled when seemingly nothing came of it. “Was that supposed to do something-”

His bemusement dissolved as the lights flickered and the wires of the heater sparked. A crackle sound snaked through the heater, sizzling through the uncared for device. The stack of manga nearest to the heater served as fuel, ripping through the pages and letting the fire surge.

“Wh-wha- No, no,  _ no _ !” Tanaka panicked as his beloved novels burned from the starting fire. The fire only tore through with rapid speed. He sputtered, moving with a start to try and stomp out the flames, trying to save as many individual pages despite melted bindings.

With the moment of distraction, Hori moved as fast as she could. She kicked the blanket back, fishing for the key. The third key on the ring, the weight of it was imprinted in her memory already. Her hands trembled, shaking beyond her belief, but she was determined to see it through. Between fearful glances towards Tanaka and the expanding flames, she forced the key into the lock.

The sink of the key into the slot, the hard click as it turned over, cracking open to expose a swollen red ring around her ankle, Hori made quick work to abandon her captivity. With an extra thought of delaying her captor, she grabbed the cup of water, throwing it onto the heater. It erupted, adding an explosion to the fire. Electricity crackled as it surged through the trail of water, flooding through the new expanses offered to it and reaped destruction though anything it touched.

Between her broken femur, concussion, and swelling, Hori struggled to stand upright, nearly collapsing just as quickly as she stood. Dependent on the wall, Hori ran as well as she could by leaping with her right leg, trying to keep pressure off of the left.

“N-NO!” Tanaka screamed as he turned from his collection burning to the sound of Hori escaping. As she dashed past the doorway and into the hall, she slammed her back against the door, closing the heavy break room door behind with her with just enough time to crush the tip of the bikaku tail in the metal hinge. An echoed screech of his pain was a momentary win, for only a second, before she bolted down the hall. She remembered the steps, she heard his movements, but the hall of doors felt like a single chance with her life as the prize. 

A single shot, Hori lurched towards a door two down from the break room. She nearly collapsed again from the movement, falling into the room and hitting tile as she heard steps from down the hall. Looking up, scrambling back upright, she recognized with horror that she made a wrong choice.

The room she had fallen into was a disc jockey studio, packed with electronic devices in varying stages of dust-ridden disarray. Tanaka was only a moment away from closing in, and the studio offered no windows, doors, not even a vent to hide in.

Helpless. Hopelessly, helplessly, Hori had to accept this second attempt was another failure as she collapsed to the ground. She sunk into a fetal position, hands over her head as though that would be enough to protect her. The screech of metal made her flinch- she could hear the hinges to the door behind her being ripped from their home.

She waited for the inevitable with baited breath.

The metal screeching halted but the pain she expected never seemed to come.

_ 'They say time stands still when you're about to die,'  _ her mind offered as a cruel explanation for the delay. When another moment passed, and then another with nothing happening, she dared to peek behind her, over her shoulder. She expected to see a crippled metal door frame and the face she's grown to hate.

Instead, it was feather-like and white. Encompassing more than half of the room, curled around the walls and closing off the damaged door, Hori recognized the red, eye-shaped pearls that protruded from the kagune. 

"Ma...Mama Fueguchi?" Hori's hand reached, hesitant, in case this was a mirage of a dying mind. The koukaku weapon wasn't nearly as soft as it looked, the smooth wall of RC cells felt like cool stone, but were certainly real. "How did you... _ Where _ did you…" Hori murmured to herself, only to become delighted to spot her backpack in the corner. The quinques were safe from harm, only two doors down from her this whole time. Dragging her body closer, Hori pressed her forehead to the white kagune, quietly murmuring her thanks to the mother that saved her. It was only with assurance that she wasn't completely alone that Hori found the will to fight once more, with conviction adding that she would make sure to return the pair to their daughter.

The muffled sounds of Tanaka's panicked cries didn't bother her, as she instead sought to find a lifeline in the studio. An old rolling chair made exploring her options easier, as she rolled around to find any equipment that was still functional. 

Audio work wasn’t on Hori’s long list of technical skills, but quick learning was one. Most of the devices were for audio editing, different styles of soundboards for effects, but there were also devices with labels like “EBS” and “EANS” that caught her attention. They looked older, used less often, and a single line of text beneath the switches read “For emergency purposes only.”

A broadcast system, she realized, for national disasters most likely. 

The wall behind her shield cracked and threatened to crumble as it was attacked ruthlessly from the other side.

With no guarantee it even worked, or would be heard, Hori flipped every lever up and watched as a small bulb flicked red. It flickered, stabled, flickered again and then stayed.

But nothing else came of it.

_ ‘Shouldn’t there be an alarm or something?’  _ But with a foundational crack expanding and whining, ready to give under its own weight, there wasn’t time. She exhaled, frustrated and accepted that her only other option would be to fight her way out. 

A forceful push with her good leg and the desk chair sent her back to the backpack, to where Hinami’s mother was activated and standing strong against Tanaka and her father rested beside her. 

The best plan, the  _ only _ plan really, would have to be to an unexpected quick attack. 

‘ _ Rip down the shield, throw him back, and make a run for it. Easier said than done…’ _

Hori took a tight hold on both handles, and a deep breath in.

//

Miles away, an intern's head at the Japanese Meteorology Agency quirked at the unusual alarm.

“Hey, come look at this,” she asked of another intern. With a quick glance, he scoffed at her diligence, stating with confidence that it was some kind of false alarm. 

It didn’t sit right, something was odd about it, enough so that she brought it up the chain of command until the researcher on site took a look.

“This station closed down years ago, I really thought we took the equipment back.”

“Do you think they saw something we didn’t?”

“I think this is something, but not for us.”

A mundane piece of paper exchanged countless pairs of hands until it was handed off to the black rabbit. 

With typical intense scrutiny, Ayato read through the alert with thought. 

"Urie-san, look at this."

Uri spared a brief glance before scoffing. 

"A tsunami warning. Perhaps you're new to living in Tokyo; these are common. They’re often caused by earthquakes-"

"Shut up, dumbass. Think about it for a second; there hasn't  _ been _ an earthquake. Not one that would cause a tsunami. And there aren't any other stations reporting a tsunami."

Urie paused, deep in thought. "So...You think it's not a transmission...but then what-"

"It's a distress signal."

//

Drowned out by the thrashing sounds of an endless onslaught, Hori tore cloth from the dress she was put in, and braced against her good leg. She took a deep breath, braced for pain, and made quick work to tie her leg, turning broken equipment from the room into a makeshift support. She would need sturdy legs to stand on if she had a chance. 

Trying desperately to ignore the pain, she leaned against her shield, listening to the pattern of attacks.

_ One two three, break, one two three, break _

A narrow window of opportunity, a concept she's become all too familiar with.

_ One two three, break _

Such a short break, what hope was there really for a broken human to get through? 

'But I have to get home,' Hori reminded herself. 'To see Shuu again, and Mirumo. I have to get Hinami's parents home to her.'

_ One two three break, one two three break _

'And I promised Saiko we would hold a video game tournament, and that I would finish those projects for Banjou.'

_ One two three, break _

_ ‘ _ There are people at the United Front that are counting on me.’

_ One two _

Click.

Hori took down the shield, startling Tanaka. He fell forward as his attack suddenly had nowhere to connect, stumbling forward into the studio. With a flick of her right wrist, the rinkaku kagune was unleashed and ripped past Tanaka's face, slicing it clean across.

A shallow wound, she thought with despair, remembering how even Shuu had his face torn apart by Touka, just for it to heal a moment later. Still, the moment of confusion and pain was her only chance. She used the half second where he speechlessly gasped to unleash the shield and throttle him back, far from the entrance. Through the RC cells wall, it pushed and held him against the hallway wall, clearing the exit for her. 

Prepared to ignore the pain of her leg, ready to test her luck, she lurched forward and as far out of the doorway as she could leap. Landing sent a surge of pain strong enough to warrant passing out, but pure adrenaline kept her conscious. Another leap forward, one more step closer to another entrance, and she grasped tight to the quinque handles. From the hallway, she saw how far the fires had spread- she had been lucky to be trapped in the studio, as the rest of the building had begun to truly suffer. 

One door over, the end was in sight-

Her right ankle was caught; pulling her to the ground was the blue tail, twisted tight. She turned, finding that from beneath the shield, Tanaka had tunneled through the broken floor to snake the bikaku kagune underneath. 

It wasn’t fear she felt, no, it was  _ rage.  _ Activating the partner quinque, Hori lashed at the ensnarement with the whip and felt a hint of satisfaction as he cried out and released his grip. 

With desperation, he snagged her again, snaking a healing kagune up higher on her ankle and calf as he dug his way from beneath the koukaku. “Why- you’re my friend! You have to stay here with me until they come to get you!”

“Are you fucking stupid?” She asked incredulously, retracting the shield just to unleash it against him, throwing him back again. The tail sliced the skin on her leg as it was ripped away: another injury that could be more than ignored for now. “Are you really that fucking stupid? Do you really think I’m your  _ friend?” _

“We watched TV together!” He shouted as he struggled against the stronghold. “We spent all of our time together!”

“I was  _ chained  _ to the fucking  _ wall! _ ”

“Like a pet! But pets still love their owners, don’t they? Don’t they?!”

“No one, absolutely no one, will ever love you, freak.” She snapped the rinkaku towards him, lashing at an exposed limb- an arm- and sliced it across. 

His lack of a reaction was almost disappointing. “Well, no one will love you either!”

“That’s fine,” she muttered, struggling to unsteady feet. “It’s fine. I don’t have to be. And really, I would rather die alone than be loved by someone like you.”

“Playmate-”

“ _ Die. _ ” 

The rinkaku was aimed higher this time, to the cracked infrastructure above him. The crumbling walls couldn’t withstand the heat or pressure anymore, and gave in immediately to the attack. All around her, the radio station collapsed as chunks of plaster, drywall and cement crashed down. 

The ceiling above Tanaka gave in, burying him in rubble.

Without her command, the shield retracted to create an umbrella above her. Hori offered another silent ‘thank you’ to her savior, as she relied on both quinques to clear her way as she made her final attempt at escape.

Mere meters away,, Hori saw through dust and flames, the words “Emergency Exit” illuminated above her. Hori released the whip once more to break the door off the hinges, flinging it open and far from its home. Diving as though this last leap could be her last, she flung her body out into the world and onto cold pavement. 

Daylight greeted her, a cold breeze but a forgiving ray of sunlight to warm her battered and wounded body.

Despite the feeling of relief, she knew it was too close to be safe, and scrambled back to her hands and knees to escape further. 

Sirens cried in the distance, cracks and booms of the decaying building behind her, and suddenly a wave of chatter. Hori picked her heavy head up to find a wall of peacekeepers, running and calling to one another, and bystanders who had gathered at the sight of the smoke.

Hori laid on the pavement, heavy with exhaustion, as she was swarmed. The buzz was overwhelming, singular sounds couldn’t be distinguished. She felt herself be turned over, but numbness protected her from feeling any of it. She felt herself be lifted from the ground, moved to a stretcher,  _ she always did hate being picked up like a child. _

“He’s still in there,” she managed to say as an oxygen mask was strapped to her face.

Red and blue lights faded and mixed with the balck enveloping the peripheral, joining until they were overtaken completely.

_ ‘Rest up, you’ll need it,’  _ was the last thing her mind processed. And that was exactly what she planned to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't use water to put out an electrical fire. Baking soda is safer, also smothering it if it's small enough.  
> You ever watch a Hollywood action movie with plot holes that make you go "But how did they- you know what, who cares" I had that three week haitus because of this chapter and suddenly was like "yk what, who cares"  
> what I'm saying is, pls overlook how little experience I have with writing action for the sake of moving this story along  
> Tysm for your responses and comments, they make it so much easier to write and motivate me to keep going. This year has been hellfire and a half but we're making it through and I'm proud of us all for that  
> Thank you as always for coming back, for keeping with me and reading this and please let me know what you think! ily!


	22. Part II: Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Flashback set post extermination arc]

_ The van drove through poorly paved side roads. All was quiet, a tense calm after the storm, no one knowing if it was really over.  _

_ Hori tried to care for Shuu in the back, but the extent of the damage seemed to be worse than she expected- maybe because he was walking when they managed to find him, but it became obvious that was all the fight he had left.  _

_ With each bump or short stop, he would gasp or moan in pain, hushed and bitten back lest he worry the others more. _

_ Kirishima glanced over her shoulder at a particularly pained sounding noise he made. "Oi, don't go dying on us now. I didn't work my ass off to keep you safe just for you to die on the car ride home." _

_ Hori glared, but Shuu let out the weakest of laughs. "Ah, Kirishima, as pleasant as ever." _

_ "Are you sure you don't want to stay at the cafe? We can keep you safe there," Yomo assured. _

_ Mirumo shook his head. "I worry it will be too obvious, and we don't want to draw attention to your shop. You do good for the ghouls in the community, we need to keep it a safe haven." _

_ "Still think it's dangerous to hole up with your little girlfriend," Touka commented.  _

_ Before Hori could bite back, Shuu coughed, blood droplets landing on the back of his hand. He grimaced, but tried to sit straighter anyway. "I agree, Papa, we shouldn't be putting Hori any more at risk than we already have." _

_ "You know I don't care about that," Hori said. _

_ "The CCG won't treat a traitor kindly." _

_ "Whether we like it or not, it's our best option." Mirumo explained. _

_ Begrudging, Shuu leaned his head back on the headrest. He was obviously unhappy with the decision, but he didn't have much more strength to be wasting on arguments.  _

_ Instead, he decided to admit defeat. _

_ "Kirishima…" he spoke up again. She turned her head over her shoulder to look at him. "You were right." With this, she turned her full attention to him. "He was happier when he was dead. I should have let it be. I'm sorry I didn't listen to you. He's… Cruel with his memories. I wish I just let him stay blissfully ignorant and happy." _

_ Touka made little change, her hair hid a dark expression. With a small nod, she muttered about staying alive lest he waste her efforts.  _

_ The rest of the ride to :Re was silent. Exhaustion pulled Shuu in and out of consciousness. He leaned his weight into Hori, more contact than she would have chosen normally but welcomed given the circumstances. He was weak, almost reliant on her small frame to keep himself upright, and she was determined to keep him up, to be his support. _

_ Hori hadn't realized how much she missed the scent of overpriced cologne and matching aftershave. She had spent so much energy getting him back, but this...wasn't how she wanted their first meeting again to be. _

_ She missed her friend, so much more than she even realized.  _

_ She was too engrossed by nostalgic smells and closeness to even notice Yomo and Touka wish Mirumo good luck, didn't hear Yomo's assurance that they had the cafe as a resource if need be. She only heard when Mirumo directly asked her how to get to her apartment. _

_ "Little Mouse, lead the way." _

_ Hori locked the door, the deadbolt, an extra deadbolt and checked outside through the small peephole to ensure that no one was near by. Once she felt assured they were safe, she helped Mirumo settle Shuu onto the futon.  _

_ "Your apartment...is still too small," he complained with a weak sense of humor. _

_ "Well good morning Shuu." _

_ "Hey," he said, but he drifted right back into a deep sleep. _

_ "He'll need to rest," Mirumo said as he settled into the only other chair in the apartment, a fairly uncomfortable armchair Hori had inherited at some point. _

_ For the remainder of the night- early morning, really- she stayed at Shuu's side. She couldn't think to do anything else to help. She slept on the floor at his side, as best she could through Mirumo snoring. The next day was the same routine, of tending to needs, cleaning at wounds and changing bandages. _

_ "Mirumo, he's not healing. They all look as bad as they did yesterday. Is that normal? That doesn't seem normal." Hori could hear the anxiety in her own voice, it sounded foreign but she knew it was her own. She recalled the Church, how he was left to die in scraps and shards and still recovered by morning enough to throw a tantrum.  _

_ This was slow. It was slow, torturous and agonizingly slow. _

_ Mirumo approached the pair to see what Hori meant- Shuu was teetering between the sleeping and waking world, only stirring when something in particular hurt. "It's likely from hunger." _

_ Hori nodded, solemn. "I'll figure something out." _

_ Time was seamless and irrelevant, here nor there but present. Shuu knew time was passing around him, but falling in and out of a dreamlike state made counting hours seem like a child's game, driven completely from imagination.  _

_ He woke this time to the feeling of company on the futon. Fighting exhaustion, he managed to keep his eyes open long enough to make out Hori's figure leaning over him, caring for the pillows and blankets around him to keep him comfortable.  _

_ Upon seeing him awake, her face softened to a smile. "Hey." _

_ "Hey." His voice was so weak, he wasn't a fan of sounding as out of commission as he felt. Scanning the room briefly, his expression changed to concern. "Where's my dad?" _

_ "Don't worry, he's safe." _

_ Why he was able to accept this so easily, he wasn't sure. He wasn't so anxious if Hori was the one reassuring him. _

_ Careful, small hands ran through his overgrown bangs, gently brushing sweat ridden hair from his face. Each touch left a trail of heat, skin to skin contact igniting something he didn't feel focused enough to understand. _

_ Despite exhaustion pleading with him to close his eyes, he studied Hori's face beneath his lashes. Features he never noticed- it was cruel of him to always write her off as 'plain' -her wide brown eyes, her round face, her skin is pale like porcelain but with a dusting of rosy cheeks with such a youthful face. _

_ Was this the first time that he was really seeing Hori? How had he never seen this before...How she could be described as 'cute' but, like the fool tarot card, she's more than meets the eye. _

_ "What?" She asked. _

_ "It's just...I never realized...just how pretty you are.* _

_ With confidence he didn't expect, Hori accepted the compliment by running her hand along his face, her fingers caressing his cheek. She looked unreal, with an expression he had never seen. Tender, affectionate, she looked beautiful. She had a soft smile, and a mind that seemed to read his, as the moment that he began to wonder what it would be like to taste her, she leaned to close the gap between them. _

_ She kissed him with an eagerness that he could hardly keep up with in his condition. _

_ But that was no reason not to try.  _

_ Trembling hands sought refuge in her hair, on her neck, holding her cheek, as hers braced against his chest to steady herself. Exchanges of kisses were made of soft tongues and gnashing teeth and  _ **_need._ ** __

_ She broke off long enough for them to catch their breath. "You're so hot," she remarked. _

_ "Heh, don't be embarrassing," he complained, unusually bashful. _

_ "You're burning up." _

_ "...Huh?" _

_ He blinked a few times, and realized Hori was behind his eyelids and in front of him. He forced his eyes open, fighting harder than he was just a minute ago, and was greeted not by kiss-bitten lips but a tremble of anxiety in her eyes. She still had her coat on, a package wrapped in paper now neglected at his side that certainly wasn’t there a moment ago. _

_ "Mirumo, I need your help," she instructed.  _

_ "Wait, my dad is here?" He asked. _

_ "His speech is quite slurred," Mirumo noted as he came into focus. _

_ "He's got a fever, that's for sure. I need you to help strip him down, he's gotta cool down. I'm gonna make ice packs." _

_ Mirumo helped Shuu upright enough to undress him, peeling off sweat drenched clothes despite Shuu shivering and sputtering in fever-dazed confusion. _

_ As each ice pack melted, Hori diligently replaced it, doing anything in her power to keep his temperature down. He sighed, sounding sleepy, but looked up to his caretaker. _

_ "You think I'm dying?" he asked, looking for her opinion. _

_ “Nah, you'll be fine." _

_ "Shame." _

_ "Hush you. You know Shuu,” she started. “I was thinking, you’ve still gotta be considered S-rated, right?” _

_ “What makes you so sure,” he asked. _

_ “After being bed-ridden for two-years straight, and then no training, you held your own against Kaneki.” _

_ “You may not have noticed, but I didn't exactly win. You said it yourself, I’m only alive because he let me live.” _

_ “He’s been in the CCG working in the field as an investigator. You’ve been sick. And you might have lost, but I don’t think it’s as one-sided as you think it was.” _

_ "...Hey, Hori...do you remember when you got a fever in high school?" _

_ "Mhm, was it our second year of school together? Nearly passed out, you ended up carrying me most of the way back to my apartment. I was so weak, I could hardly stand." _

_ Shuu recalled with a lopsided grin, the feeling of carrying the little mouse on his back through Tokyo. He remembered not really understanding what a fever was, but feeling the heat radiate off of her, realized it was serious enough that she needed help. And what better way to prove what a gentleman he was? _

_ "We got here," Shuu continued where Hori's memories blurred, "and you all but stripped naked. You scared the absolute shit out of me." _

_ "Gotta cool down, I was overheated and nauseous. Why do you think I had your dad help take your clothes off now? I wouldn't have done it if it doesn't work." _

_ "You still should have been more careful. We didn't know each other that well." _

_ "Please. You knew me well, you and Matsumae stalked me for like a year." _

_ "Tch, you make me sound like a pervert." _

_ "I make you sound like a gentleman. I wasn't afraid of you, because I had no reason to be. You're an asshole but not a scumbag. Not to me, at least… I'm not interesting enough." _

_ "Hori, that's not-"  _

_ They were interrupted as Mirumo made a grand entrance from the bathroom, steam rolling around him from the small half bath. He was donning only a towel around his waist, to the shock and horror of his son and host. _

_ By the fourth day, the fever broke and by the fifth, Shuu was able to sit and stand and move with minimal difficulties.  _

_ His healing was still heavily delayed, but as wounds stitched closed, the Tsukiyamas began planning their escape. _

_ "You guys don't have to leave, you know. You can stay here for longer." _

_ "Nonsense, souris," Mirumo assured. _

_ "But what...will you guys do now?" She asked.  _

_ Shuu looked fairly unsure himself, but Mirumo spoke with confidence. "Well, we rebuild. We're going to have a lot of work ahead of us, but fret not, we have our connections and resources still. We just need to get to them." _

_ Hori tried every reason to keep them there, any reason to not let them leave, with little luck. The men had already decided that they had overstayed their welcome, and no amount of reassurances would make them think otherwise.  _

_ “We’ve already put you in too much danger,” Mirumo commented. _

_ “I don’t mind, really.” _

_ Shuu chuckled weakly. “Whether or not you ‘mind,’ it’s been incredibly dangerous to house two wanted ghouls for almost a week. We’ll be okay, Hori, I swear.” _

_ “I know, I just…” she trailed off, realizing that she wasn’t so sure she knew.  _

_ “We’ll be okay,” Shuu reassured.  _

_ With a definitive nod, Mirumo closed the clasp on his suitcase, and helped Shuu prepare to leave. Hori could only watch from the sidelines as they made their way out. _

_ Tossed to the sidelines once again. Helplessness, the feeling of being unable to do anything, was truly the worst part. And it was a feeling Hori felt all too familiar with. _

_ The latch to the door shut, the deadbolts locked, and Hori was left alone with her thoughts. _

_ Hori all but collapsed against the door, her back resting against it as she slid to the floor. They couldn't have even been off of her floor yet before a week's worth of pent emotion, delayed responses and denied feelings finally caught up.  _

_ Having others to care for meant she could put off her own pain, she could redirect anxious nerves to tend to another. _

_ The second she was alone, as soon as the apartment was quiet, reality hit. A single sob escaped, choked out against her own will, a demand to tend to her own needs. One cry gave permission to another, as a floodgate was unleashed and an unrecognizable voice cried openly, shamelessly, into the empty apartment. _

_ Grief overcame Hori. The grief of losing ones, of losing so many, so many. Aliza, who spoke with her like a long time friend and treated her kindly, Kanae- Karren, Karren who finally was able to live as she desired if only for a few moments, Karren who was always nipping at the heels of her beloved cousin, begging and pleading to be included as younger cousins always do, always wanted to be included with the 'big kids,' and Matsumae- _

_ With Matsumae's name came the unleash of anguish, the true realization of the loss. Matsumae who reminded Hori to study and chided her for not taking her scholarship seriously. Matsumae, who treated Hori like her own, who gave her advice she needed from her own mother and who spoke freely with her and her alone. Matsumae, her second mother, her beloved older sister, her  _ **_friend._ **

_ She couldn't be sure how long she cried, but it was well into the night when her eyes finally ran dry and her throat felt raw. The quiet had never been an issue before, Hori could sleep without sound before, but after hosting the lone survivors of extermination for almost a week, Hori couldn't find peace in the quiet. How was she meant to sleep now, after listening to Mirumo snore enough to shake the window pane and mutter in French in his sleep? How was she supposed to handle the silence after spending so much energy listening for Shuu's hushed moans and sighs in pain, just to ensure he was alive at all? _

_ It was from this point on that Hori listened to music to fall asleep. The quiet became a terrible reminder of being alone, of the loss of her second family. _

Sounds were nothing more than hums and groans and an occasional distorted beep or whirr.

Color was the first thing to come into some semblance of clarity, white and gray and some blue, but beige-

_ Beige, like the cracked walls of the- _

The heavy pressures of gravity worked both against and with-

_ Like when the ceiling collapsed- _

What's...a ceiling? What do any of these things, walls, ceiling, electronics and beeps, what's the meaning to any of it?

Why worry about that when the universe is so warm, so inviting, enveloping, whispering assurances,  _ 'just watch your loved ones from here, they'll be okay _ .'

Her loved ones...will be alright?

No, that's right, she has to get back, she needs to tell Shuu-

She needs to make sure he's okay, make sure he eats and takes care of himself. She needs to crawl her way back out of the comfort of the infinity and into reality

_ Because, she loves- _

_ '...benafewdays…'  _ she could hear pieces, garbled amongst the hums of the universe.

_ '...don't worry...she's strong…' _

She? Who? Is that...are there...who's voice even is that? She knows it well but-

_ '...Chie-san, always a pleasure!'  _ Mirumo's voice echoes through her head.

Beige, everything is beige,  _ like that fucking radio station- _

_ 'Tsukiyama-san, what a lovely surprise! And Tsukiyama-kun, oh it's been much too long, now hasn't it?' _

A voice she could have lived without.

_ 'Now, now,'  _ the universe itself assures Hori, ' _ be kind.' _

" _ So, Tsukiyama-kun, when will you two be...getting married again?" _

_ "Ah, ha uhm, maybe this isn't a good time to discuss that,"  _ Shuu awkwardly laughs off the advance, more clumsy than normal. No flair, no flirting? No, 'but my dear, then how will I steal  _ your  _ heart?' as he's so often done to redirect the tireless enthusiasm her mother has.

Her leg is suffocatingly wrapped, swollen in what must be plaster, and throbs in time with each beat of her heart.

"I'm just wondering when you're going to give this old woman something worth living for."

"Chie-san, I  _ really  _ don't think now's a good time." Shuu almost sounds... distressed? That pathetic tone he always uses when ' _ ka~ne~ki~kun needs him! _ '

Pain's making her bitter, Hori noted with some frustration. 

_ 'Be kind, my dear' _ , the universe reminded her again before leaving her alone in a crowded hospital room.

"If you all...want to be annoying…" She fought to enunciate each word, feeling the exhaustion slur them regardless. "please...take it to...to the hallway."

"Hori," Shuu jumped to his feet, quick to her side and gripped her hand tight in his. "Hori, you're awake, oh mon Dieu, I-I'm so happy you're awake."

"'Hori?' Oh, I see, you won't marry her but you also don't use honorifics."

"Chie-san, perhaps we should give them some time alone," Mirumo redirected. "Please, allow me to treat you to a coffee." 

"How are you feeling?" He asked as their parents chit-chat drifted down the hallway.

"Dunno...I'll let you know...when I'm awake."

He chuckled, relieved to hear her voice, even if it was slurred and near nonsense. "Well, when you are, I'll be here."

"Thanks...missed you."

"I...I missed you too, Hori," he admitted. He was a bit happy that her eyes had fluttered closed again, if only because she wouldn't see the shameless color his face turned. "I missed you too."

His hand held hers tight, rested on the bed with long, thin fingers encasing hers. With tired effort, she curled hers around his, squeezing his hand with the little strength she had.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did anyone else wonder what the heck happened to Shuu and Hori and Mirumo after the extermination arc ended? Like, correct me if I'm mis-remembering (110% possible) but they just disappeared, and then Shuu came back to fight with Naki? Like, a while later?? where did they go, what happened, Shuu almost died?? That always bugged me so I took it upon myself to make it a tsukichie chapter, I've only strung you all along 22 chapters and we haven't even started pining.  
> But that's a wrap on part two! Thank you so much for reading this far in, I'm sorry that I wasn't joking when I tagged "slow burn," even I thought it would be going a tad faster but I'm so happy for all the friends I feel like I've made as I dragged you all along with me!  
> Happy holidays to everyone! (it's the last night of Hanukkah, shalom to any Jewish friends!) Stay safe, ily!!


	23. Part II: Bonus

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Takes place two days before Hori's escape  
> some attempt at nsfw was made (nothing more graphic than the "M" rating would imply, I think)  
> some cw for character's unintentional transphobia (I'm not sure this is the best label but I just wanted to say it upfront for those sensitive to the matter

“Come on, come  _ on,” _ Mutsuki complained to himself, struggling to fasten the last clasp on the strapless binder.  _ Only a few more days of this shit,  _ he thought with some optimism. It’s always the last clasp, the one at the very top that’s so defiant-

The click of metal coming together was followed by a sigh of relief, and then the normal gasp for air as his constrained chest struggled against the binder. Mutsuki glanced at the small desktop calendar, with the date his venture back into Tokyo circled, as though to reassure himself this nightmare was sure to be over soon enough. 

Although, Tokyo was a nightmare in and of itself. 

Old friends and colleagues couldn’t understand the appeal of a “middle of nowhere” town, a mountainside village that barely saw enough “action” to justify a TSC outpost in the first place. In the beginning, even Mutsuki wasn’t sure he would be happy here; he was only certain he’d be happy to be away from the disaster he left behind in the city, but a place as slow-paced, as small-town and attraction-less?

It proved to be the most therapeutic thing he could have done with his life, aside from transitioning itself. Sure, he had the stress of needing to learn to drive, and sure, saturday nights are a bit lacking compared to the bustle of a city, and  _ sure _ there’s plenty still wrong with the small-mindedness a disconnected town has, but it was a hell of a lot better than even the chances of running into anyone he once knew. The drive to work was peaceful, the folks in town may not have really understood him but they were polite and social, and the outpost itself was more than willing to let a city-boy run things.

His old co-workers had moved on to bigger and better things, but staying stagnant was oddly comforting.

“Morning Mutsuki-san!” was the daily cheer from their overly-friendly receptionist. A sweet young woman with all the town gossip, Mutsuki greeted her with the same polite “Morning, Aiko-san,” as he did every day. 

“‘Ey, Boss, reports are on your desk,” the lead peacekeeper informed him, before returning to his daily attempt at flirting with Aiko.

“It better be filled out right this time,” Mutsuki chided with a coy grin.

“Aw, come on, you mess up line 14b  _ one time!” _

“More than one time, Sato” he reminded his subordinate, settling into his desk. The office was comically small in comparison to the skyscraper of a headquarters Tokyo was home to, but this- this was all the better. An open space with everyone jammed together, close-quarters, no room for secrets or hiding. 

“ _ My  _ reports will be spotless as always,” Ito boasted, earning a glare from his counterpart. 

“You three know I’ll be out for two weeks, but you better not think that means you can slack off. I’ll be checking my email and if I don’t see quality-”

“Oh you  _ can’t  _ mean that,” Aiko complained. “You’re really going to be in recovery checking emails?”

“Of course he is,” Ito argued. “This place hasn’t seen real leadership ‘til he showed up, you really think you’re going to get away with anything?”

“Brown-noser” Sato muttered.

“Don’t worry, I’ll keep these two in line, boss.”

“Ito, you forgetting who’s second in command?”

“Not like you act it,” Aiko added.

“ _ Hey!”  _

The chatter fell to the wayside as Mutsuki started his normal workday, with the added pressure of making sure two weeks worth of work would be completed ahead of time. Between the quiet calendar reminder of the upcoming trip ‘home,’ and a framed picture of the original Quinx squad in front of the Chateau, he had more than enough of a distraction for one day. 

_ ‘Home,’ what a joke. _

//

Hotel accommodations were confirmed, medical clearance faxed and accepted, time off request was approved weeks ago-

Everything was in order, except maybe his nerves. 

This wasn’t his first time returning to the city, but the trips always went the same. 

“You sure you’ll be okay, sir?” Aiko asked, handing Mustuki his jacket. “One of us can join you if you need the company.”

The pair stood on the track of the station, just before the train arrived- it could just be seen in the distance approaching, only a few moments left until it would be here.

“I appreciate it, but I’ll...be okay,” he responded, hoping to convince himself more than her.

After a light sigh, she offered a worried smile and his train ticket. “Well, in that case...I’ll be sure to keep the boys in line.”

“Counting on you. And like I said, don’t hesitate to call me if you-”

“Sir? Relax.” She reminded him softly.

He nodded, agreeing as the speed of the train blew past them, lessening as it slowed.

“Alright...I’ll be in touch.”

“Good luck, sir, and be safe!”

//

_ ‘November 22nd, travel to Tokyo @11am, TSC office 3-3:45, pre-op testing @4pm _

_ November 23rd, surgery @6:30am _

_ November 25th, discharge from hospital, check into hotel _

_ December 1st, post-op appt, 10am _

_ December 2nd, return home’ _

The small calendar, a to-do list rather, lined up Mutsuki’s upcoming week with a laughable amount of understatement. The bullet train ride was nearing its end as the surrounding stations looked more and more familiar, the buildings tightening around like a constraint. Struggling to catch his breath in the claustrophobic atmosphere of an old hell, he could only silently pray that he wouldn’t cross paths with too many faces he knew. 

One step off the train and the reality of the country-side being long gone set in. The air itself was harsher, less forgiving. 

The air itself remembers the tragedies this boy had caused years ago; it wouldn’t forget or forgive so easily. 

//

“What a monstroscity this fucking thing is,” Mutsuki muttered as he leaned back to look up to the TSC headquarters tower. His complaint wasn’t with the building itself, or even the people inside of it, so much as a complaint to be back. The TSC building was built directly from the remnants of the CCG. With a deep sigh, he straightened back down and went in.

_ ‘It’s even more chaotic this time around,’  _ he noted, as there seemed to be people swarming in every direction, bumping into him and brushing past him as though he weren’t there. 

On autopilot, he kept his head down and his gaze averted from faces, from eyes, from anyone’s attention as he found the elevators, the button for the 6th floor, past the vending machines and the coffee stations, and to an HR office. 

“Name?” The woman at the counter asked.

“Mutsuki Tooru, Special Class. Kanazawa branch leader.”

“Country bumpkin came out all this way just to drop off some forms?” She said aloud.

_ ‘I forget how rude this city can be.’ _

“I’m in the city anyway. My medical leave is effective tomorrow.”

“That’s nice,” she commented without caring.

“I- thank you very much for your help,” he grunted, leaving with as little regard for her response as she had for him. A quick check of his wrist watch confirmed he had little time to waste before his appointment anyway.

_ 3:30 now, about 20 minute walk to the hospital, would a cab be better- _

“Mut-Mutsuki!” 

_...Sigh. _

“Urie, long time no see.”

“Y-yeah," Urie sighed. He struggled to catch his breath, the obvious sign that he chased after Mutsuki for at least a few floors. "You didn’t answer my invitation for Christmas. Saiko and I were hoping you would come by.”

“Oh, uhm...No...most likely not.”

“...Right.”

“It’s, uh, busy here today. Is it always like this?”  _ How long does one need to feign politeness? _

“We’re...running a mission right now. Things haven’t gone exactly to plan.”

“I see. In that case, I’ll leave you to-”

“You should- you should come by later. To the Chateau. Saiko misses you and it’d be nice to have the family together again.”

He repressed the urge to scoff, ' _ family.' _ “No, thank you for the offer but I-”

“You’ll always have a home here, even if you don’t think so,” Urie sputtered, face burning red. The always-stoic peacekeeper had developed a habit of letting his guard down around his old friend, to an embarrassing extent. “So, please, before you go back to Kana-”

“I have somewhere to be. If it means so much to you,” Mutsuki tore a piece of paper from the back of his calendar book, scribbling a note on it and offering it to Urie. Urie took it, clutching it close as Mutsuki turned on his heel, waving behind him. “See you around, Kuki.”

Messy handwriting across lined paper read an address, a hotel room. 

//

Preoperative testing went as smoothly as he could have hoped, aside from a folder packed with consent and information pages he needed to complete before returning early in the morning. 

A 6:30 operation meant a check in of 5:45, which meant a wake up call of 5:00am, which meant-

Which meant he would have to fall asleep at exactly 9:00pm to get a full 8-hours of rest.

The hotel TV played softly in the background as he worked diligently and ate sparingly. The news looped, relaying the same information, tales of tragedies, of reconstruction, of children missing and reassurances that it’s being addressed, all peppered with ‘feel-good’ stories in the hopes that Tokyo’s citizens wouldn’t completely lose hope. 

A quickly refilling email inbox and overflowing calendar were more interesting, until an email addressed only to him chided his work ethic.

‘ _ From: Aiko _

_ Sir, _

_ With all due respect, stop answering your goddamn messages. That’s what I’m for :p _

_ Best of luck in the morning and I better not hear from you until you’re on the train home. _

_ Regards’ _

With a sigh and a hint of a grin, he obliged, closing the laptop and resting back in the seat. 

‘Home’ is a muddled term. There isn’t one true home, not one that he really felt he could return to. His current position felt oddly temporary, as though he were waiting out the storm of psychotic episodes, waiting for the worst to ravage once again and destroy this home as well.

Not even his body made for a home, with so many pieces and parts still wrong. One operation wouldn’t fix that, just like one dose of testosterone couldn’t, just like moving from Tokyo and running from his past, just like-

The knock he didn’t think would come did so, interrupting an inevitable pity party. He didn’t feel particularly grateful, but acted the part as he opened his hotel room up to Urie.

Disheveled and obviously stressed from whatever mission had gone awry, Urie had a worn expression that turned red as soon as their eyes locked.

“I hope I’m not intruding.”

“Is your mission all finished up?”

“Uhm, no, not exactly, but a lot of us have been dismissed for the evening.”

“I see,” Mutsuki murmured, waiting patiently.

“...T-thanks for giving me this,” Urie held up the scrap of paper. “I was, uh, worried I wouldn’t see you.”

“Wasn’t trying to hide, you know.”

“Yeah, but- still, I uh...how are you?”

"Mm, fine," Mutsuki murmured, a countdown starting in his head. "And you?"  _ 10...9...8.. _

"Fine, as always."  _ 7...6...5… _

"Good, good."  _ 4...3… _

"How long will you be in the city?"  _ 2… _

"Urie?"

"Yeah?"

_ 1, took too long.  _

Mutsuki grabbed either side of the trench coat lapels and pulled Urie into the hotel room. Once passed the threshold, there was a swift kick to the door, closing too slowly on its own, but slammed shut as Urie was throttled back against it. Pinned between the exit and Mutsuki's body, a fiery passion told hold as the two sought after one another's lips. Heated exchanges of tongues and sighs were only interrupted for seconds to gasp for air. Desperate, needy and curious hands trailed up and down one another's sides or back or through hair before clothing was just too suffocating.

The trenchcoat was abandoned by the door, shoes and socks close behind, and the pair made an awkward attempt to stumble towards the queen size bed without breaking the kiss off for too long.

_ 'How did this ever start,'  _ one of them would have thought, if thinking was the kind of thing one could do with another nipping and sucking at their neck.

It wasn’t from love, Mutsuki knew. Not love, but a bond formed from trauma and vulnerability. The pair had suffered in front of one another, because of one another, at one another’s side; that kind of vulnerability developed into an uncomfortable connection that demanded a release.

For such a strong personality, Urie was an uncertain lover, always unsure of what was allowed and what would earn him a particularly deep bite mark. With wavering confidence, he pushed them back, straddling Mutsuki, hovering above him.

Urie pulled back, engrossed with the sight below him: naked and bare aside from the binder, tanned skin burned with blood rush and lust-hazed, mismatched eyes.

"Is this.." Urie managed between heavy breaths, pulling at the top elastic of the binder, not enough to really move it but enough for a glare. "...Is this why you're in the city?"

"Yeah." Despite having a cool head during these meetings, Mutsuki was always surprised by his own breathless voice during.

"...Are you really sure you want to do that?"

"You don't have a say in this, and I don't care for your opinion." 

"I know."

The real question became,  _ 'when did this release become the awkward meet-ups in hotel rooms to passion and heat and need, just to dissolve immediately after into avoidant eyes and unpleasant small talk?' _

Neither knew, nor cared to think about it. 

"That was… nice," Urie sighed, slightly dream-like. Mutsuki was already in the process of redressing, at least partially, enough to hide what could ruin the afterglow with dysphoria. Urie slowly sat upright, up against the headboard, and merely watched. 

The distance between them was valleys, endless canyons, one that Urie felt he stood on the very edge of.

_ 'When did her (his, his, don't say 'her' out loud) body change so much?'  _ He thought, ignoring the bitter feelings of being excluded, and studied what weekly testosterone shots for three years had done: sharp angles and muscle definition, body hair, a shadow of facial hair, the way his voice had dropped and even the quiet gasps or moans sounded as though from a stranger and not-

well, not the gentle and sweet person that comforted him when he lost control.

"I can  _ feel _ you staring at me," Mutsuki complained, cleaning the mess of their clothing across the room.

"You can answer my calls a little more often, you know," Urie reprimanded. His host scoffed at him. "You could  _ tell me _ when you'll be in the city. Maybe we could plan a real date that way."

Mutsuki’s brows furrowed."A ‘real’...a date?"

"You know, like, the cutesy  _ boyfriend-girlfriend _ stuff."

Mutsuki turned to give his guest his full attention, though stammered as he didn't know which point to address first. 

“Kuki, tell me something.”

“Yeah?

"Do you...Do you think we're  _ dating _ ?"

"... Aren't we?"

"Do you think you're my boyfriend?" A darker look crossed olive complexion, with the single kakugan snapping back to black. "Do you think I'm your  _ girlfriend?"  _ When Urie hesitated, a surge of rage piloted Mutsuki's arm to grab the face of the offender, fingertips crushing into his cheeks. "You still, you  _ still,  _ see me as a  _ girl?" _

_ " _ Toru, I didn’t mean, I can explain- ( _ I fucked up _ )"

" _ This _ is why you don't get a  _ fucking call before I come into the city _ !"

The peacekeeper was tossed out of the hotel room before he was given time to redress. His belongings were thrown with the force of an avalanche, landing on and around him with just enough courtesy to cover his groin before the elderly couple one room over could investigate.

//

Blurred white, bright lights and a heaven-like glow...

Tired and frustrated and lying beneath such bright lights, an anesthesiologist let Mutsuki know that he would be asleep before he could count to ten.

‘ _ Count to ten, rest now, and wake to a new body, the one you were meant to have when you were born.’ _

Disoriented, Mutsuki tried to pry his eyes open, fighting against the intense lighting. Everything was numb, from his neck down was merely pressure without a real form. 

A chorus of voices came his way, but it was too late to discern what any of them said. 

Numbness overtook, and white faded to black.

Hours later, he woke with hazy clarity. The numbed pain faded to soreness, aches and intense pressure around his ribcage. Every part of his chest hurt, with shooting pains across his nerves any time he dared to move too much. 

All he could do for now was lay back and relish in the agony, with the knowledge this would be the first time he suffered a pain for something good. 

The news played overhead, muffled and unclear, with reports of a radio station having caught fire in the early morning. An irrelevant story, he thought, as his eyes fluttered closed again. 

_ “We’re here with TSC Peacekeeper Urie Kuki. Can you please tell us what’s going on?” _

‘Urie?’ Mutsuki’s mind latched onto the familiar name, prying his exhausted eyes open once again.

_ “A full investigation is needed. All the public needs to know is that we’ve apprehended a ghoul who’s posed a great harm to the community.” _

_ “Is this the ghoul involved in the disappearance of numerous children?” _

_ “I’m not at liberty to say. If you could please back up, we’re trying to clear the scene-” _

_ “Is it true that the TSC used an innocent little girl as bait? Who’s going to be paying for the property damages? Are there more like this one lurking in the building?”  _ A swarm of other reporters overwhelmed the screen, microphones taking up the bottom half of the TV. 

_ ‘He looks so uncomfortable,’  _ Mutsuki thought, with some glee at the well-concealed panic on his old teammate’s face. ‘ _ Never did like public speaking, if it wasn’t an award ceremony...proud bastard.’ _

//

‘Daily log: investigated a complaint regarding unusual tracks in an elderly woman’s backyard. 

Details: After interviewing the complainant, Ito and I discovered that the woman had heard noises late in the night and became concerned. In the morning, she noticed odd tracks, and said she feared a ghoul may have been lurking. Ito and I checked, and noticed what are clearly animal prints, likely a canine, coyote to be specific. We informed the resident that ghouls would leave human-like prints. She admitted she thought ghouls might be like werewolves and thanked us for taking her concerns seriously. 

Case: Inactive - solved. No further investigation needed.’

Mustuki sighed, reading through the logs on his phone as that was as far as his shoulders would allow him to move without too much pain. Sitting up and using a laptop would take a few more days. He scrolled to the next log, also from yesterday after he had left.

‘Daily log: Resident complaint #8409, titled ‘missing relative.’

Details: 82yr old male reported missing 48 hours ago. Patient with dementia and a history of wandering off. Family contacted the TSC base to report suspicions of a known ghoul living on the outskirts of town. Sato-san and I interviewed the suspect, Ikireo Mayiru, age 46, female, lives with a female roommate. Suspect reported concerns for the elderly man and cooperated as she frequently does. No physical evidence could be tied, the suspect had an alibi, and will not be investigated further. TSC will be forwarding the missing persons report to local hospitals and turning the case over to the region’s precinct.

Case: inactive - other. Follow up conducted on an as-needed basis.’

How cruel are humans, Mustki wondered, to always blame what they don’t understand on an innocent culprit? The number of complaints the base had received on this one woman couldn’t be counted- Ito and Sato had tried at one point, but it wasted too much valuable time. 

A woman who raises livestock she cannot eat, sells milk and meat- and often on a secretive discount for those in need -and has been cooperative with the investigators and peacekeepers since before the outpost was constructed. 

Mayiru had been one of the first residents to welcome the TSC agents, offering her services to Mutsuki and his old coworkers from the day they came off the train. She’d worked with local morticians to care for herself, bothers no one, and is vilified anyway for who she is.

But, Mutsuki noted with frustration that the village ws old, set in its ways, and wasn’t likely to change.

"Muchaaan?" 

From just above the hospital bed side bar, blue pigtails and worried eyes looked Mutsuki over.

"I hope you didn't go far out of your way just to come see me."

"No, Saiko's friend is here too, but it's good to see you again, Mucchan."

"It's good to see you too, Saiko."

Speaking was difficult, as each breath demanded he work against the nerve pain in his chest, expanding too far against the medical binder. 

“How do you feel?”

He exhaled a shaky breath, mostly from the struggle of catching his breath. “It hurts a bit...right now...but I...I couldn’t be happier.”

Saiko nodded enthusiastically, with noises and chirps of excitement. 

“I can’t...seem to speak too well right now...Tired and all...Do you mind, just telling me about how you’ve been?”

“Mhm, mm lets see…”

“You said you have a friend here?”

“Yeah, she got real beat up on a mission. I went to see her but we can’t see her yet.” Saiko went on to describe the tale of a human informant who had volunteered to play bait. The suspect pulled some trick on the TSC and she went missing for a few days, but she found a way to signal her location. After that, she fought with quinques given to her by a ghoul friend and trapped him in the building, burning alive and just enough of him left for peacekeepers to arrest him, and now the UF has him in the new Cochlea and everyone wants to torture him.

Mutsuki could barely listen with the speed of Saiko’s ramblings, but the company was welcome. He watched her animated movements and listened to her storytelling with a soft smile.

‘ _ Nostalgia is quite the poison...listening to her, I almost miss home.’ _

This was always the most difficult part of the trips to the city. Mutsuki stood, unsure of himself, a few stores down, reading the :Re coffee shop menu board from afar. With a heavy sigh, he forced the first step, hoping the next would be easier to follow through.

It wasn't, and each step was just as difficult as the last. Strangers probably thought he was insane, struggling through as though two meters of snow slowed his legs. It was the one bright side of the anonymity of a city, he supposed. Home in the country, everyone was sure to talk of this if he were caught. 

It was always the hardest part of the trip, but he was sure he would see it through this time.

With his head hung low, Mutsuki entered the coffee shop, nauseous immediately as his stomach twisted.

*Welcome to- oh...Hi."

_ Her. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck- _

"H-hi Kirishima-san," Mutsuki bowed to her politely. "How are you?"

"Fine, fine" Touka replied, audibly cautious. "I don't think you've gotten it yet, I just sent it out yesterday, but we mailed you a thank you card for Ichika's present. She's already finished almost everything in the fruit basket." 

"Oh, good, good. I'm...I'm happy she liked it."

"Mhm...So, uh, what can I do for you? Don't suppose you're here for coffee."

"No, I uhm, I wanted to know if Sasa- _ Kane- _ if K-Kaneki-san is here."  _ Fucking hell _ , he cursed himself mentally.

"He's helping Ichika with some homework, I'll get him."

He awkwardly waved, a half-hearted thank you, as she disappeared into the back. Once out of sight, Mutsuki bit at his lip, hard enough to draw blood in frustration. 

Touka re-emerged not even a moment later. "He'll be right out," Touka assured as she came back up front.

"I- you know what, I just remembered I have to catch a train. Could you maybe...just give this to him for me?" Mutsuki asked as he drew a poorly folded envelope from his pocket. "I really- I need to get going, I'm sorry about this." He all but thrust the paper into Touka's hands, bowing again and thanking her before escorting himself out as quickly as he could without stumbling over his own feet. 

_ Nope, nope, fuck, fuck this, not ready, not today. _

"Did I miss him again?" Kaneki asked Touka, noticing the inquisitive expression on her face.

"He gets closer and closer each time. Told ya, if you were just a second faster, you would've finally caught him."

Kaneki sighed. "Wonder if I'll ever actually see him again."

"Gotta try a company Christmas party."

"We did, and he sent his peacekeepers and stayed home himself."

"Ah, well maybe one day. But hey," she handed him the crumbled paper envelope. "Got a little closer. Maybe next time."

Kaneki unfolded the haphazardly folded paper, examining the messy handwriting, acknowledging the anxiety it contained before even reading it.

_ 'Kaneki Ken, _

_ I can't tell you how many times I've rewritten this. I don't know how to really start, there's no words to describe my feelings. _

_ I'll never be able to apologize enough to you or your family for the trouble I've caused you. To this day I can't bear to face you (there's a great chance I couldn't give you this in person, I know this, I'm just too much of a coward).  _

_ I know I start every correspondence we have the same way, but I can find no other way of starting a letter to you. _

_ And now, I'm indebted to you, even more than I can explain. Gratitude isn't sincere enough, 'thank you' doesn't cover enough, to express how much I don't deserve this. _

_ Your letter of recommendation for my transition was the only reason it was possible. To this day, you are the only one who believes in me. I don't know why or how you do, after all that I"  _ the following kanji were crossed out, as they often were when referencing the past.  _ "Every doctor, physician, therapist and psychiatrist told me the same thing- If no one would vouch for my unstable history, no one would believe that surgery was worth it. A lost cause. No one credible, no one car-"  _ More ink blotched kanji that couldn't be read. " _ I don't deserve this, I know I don't. I can't explain the kind of freedom having my body finally match- somewhat, at least, match what I"  _ Stains that seemed to resemble water drips and ink spills.  _ "I know it's not right of me, but Sasa"  _ violent cross outs this time.  _ "Thank you Kaneki. Thank you. _

_ Regards."  _ He never did sign his name on these.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've accidentally realized I ship these two but not in the least bit functionally (remember how I never read :re? I uh, skipped a lot of their chapters and only recently got more context).  
> Anyway, it's a double feature! Full author's note posted in next chapter  
> Thanks!


	24. Part III: Chapter

Dimmed lights and quiet hallways and the smell of bleach, mingled with an irritating chorus of machinery; it was a recipe for a migraine. Nurses and doctors frequented the room, carelessly speaking of Hori like an experiment while blindly trusting the EKG’s.

_ Is this the second night, or the third _ , he tried to recall, recounting the hours he'd already spent at Hori's beside. 

There was a bittersweetness, he felt, to see her on this end of a hospital. The quiet chaos of a hospital seemed so nostalgic as he remembered the thrill of dangling her small body out of the 8th floor window.

But this wasn’t that kind of excitement, because back then, he knew he could prevent her death if he wanted.

"You're still here, Tsukiyama-kun?" Hori's mother asked quietly as she rejoined the room. "Honey, you should go home; you're not going to get any rest if you keep sleeping in that old armchair."

"It's alright. My father is treating you well?"

She sighed wistfully as she hung up her coat. "Such a lovely gentleman. If I wasn't sure that you two would make a better pair, I'd ask him to marry me."

"Uhm, well I'm...happy to hear that?"

"You don't need to spend the night, honey. I've got her."

The monitors, IV's and tubes didn’t feel as reliable as his senses, the sounds of beeping were ignored for the sounds of hushed, pained breaths and a slow, steady beat. Despite their qualifications, he didn't trust them to care for her.

"I'll be okay," he murmured, hushed and distracted as his thumb rubbed the back of Hori's hand, her small palm enclosed in his fingers. "I would like to stay, if you'll have me."

"Suit yourself." She shrugged, adding "but you know that's just more alone time with me."

"That's not...the  _ worst _ thing, although-"

"Be nice, have some respect."

"Yes, ma'am."

She "hmphed" proudly before pulling a chair beside him, settling in and watching over her daughter. 

The amount of time the two spent together was becoming insufferable to Shuu. He never outright disliked her, but Hori’s mother was ‘old school,’ felt girls should marry rich and have children, be sweet and quiet and subservient. 

Her daughter would never be that for any man, and Shuu only prayed that one day her mother would accept that.

That aside, he wasn't willing to leave just yet.

"You know…” she spoke suddenly, breaking him from thought while lost in her own,“She got her first camera as a hand-me-down; it was practically garbage, but that didn’t matter to her. Photography has always been her reason for living but...I worry a day will come that she won't be able to do so. She has no savings, no pension, nothing to live off of." A disappointed sigh, she continued. "My husband wasn't a bad man by any means. He was fine, sure. When we had her, we were happy, had dreams, but he never made enough for us to live the life we dreamt of. I just want better for her.” 

“That's why she started working at the United Front." He reminded her. "To support herself, instead of relying on others."

"And look where that got her." Her tongue clicked three times, chastising the rebellious spirit her daughter had. "She just loves danger, doesn't she? Always getting into trouble…"

"...This is my fault, Hori-san. I pressured her to take the job, I'm the one that-"

"Oh, shush, I won't accept grovelling from you,” she chided lightly. "I don't blame you. She's just always been such a handful-"

The conversation fell to the wayside as the monitor’s beeping picked up pace, and Chie rustled as she woke slowly, whimpering in pain. Shuu instantly jumped to his feet, merely watching as though if he looked away for too long, if he didn’t watch for confirmation, that her chest would stop rising and her heart would stop beating. 

"Shuu?" was the first coherent noise she made.

"I'm here, Hori."

_ ‘What a sweet boy,’ _ Chie's mother thought to herself, watching the tender care an aristocrat had for a simple girl. Shuu doted over Hori like he did every time she woke, murmuring softly, ' _ you're okay. I'm here. What do you need? _ ''

_ ‘She’d never have to worry a day in her life if she were only so fortunate.’ _

"Oh, Tsukiyama-kun, I wanted to ask you something," the mother asked suddenly. "I just remembered, one of the doctors asked me if I knew about something, but I didn't. Maybe you do."

"Hm?" 

"Do you know what that...mark on her chest is from?"

"What 'mark?'" 

She stood, circled the bed and stood opposite him. She gently pulled at the hospital gown, 

Burning red, Shuu looked away. "H-Hori-san, I-"

"Here, this here."

Cautious, he peaked back. Chie was covered enough.  _ 'I thought this woman might have really lost it, some kind of Evangelion moment…' _

A white line marred skin, an inch wide and tapering off her shoulder. For it to stretch from the middle of her chest to her shoulder, it must have been an attack, a ghoul most likely:  _ she loves danger, always getting into trouble. _

_ But for him to not have heard? _ The more he retraced the timeline, well it seemed most likely that it happened during that time, when he laid in bed in his own world.

The sloppy work on the stitches made it clear she didn't seek proper medical attention, which implied she was protecting the ghoul's identity. 

But who would she-

But that-

That could only mean-

Restless sleep against the back of a hallway folding chair, Shuu whimpered every so quietly in his sleep. Another countless night in the hospital, another night of discomfort and light naps masquerading as sleep. He dreamt of his kagune enveloping and trapping him like a chrysalis, the heat and hunger of being starved off from the world and a silent cry from a mouse.

_ 'What aren't I remembering?' _

He jolted awake with panic as his shoulder was touched.

"Hey, hey, relax" Touka tried to calm Shuu as he recovered from the shock. 

"Kiri... Kirishima…hey," he greeted breathlessly, adjusting his clothes and smoothing out his hair, knowing that he must have looked as deprived as ever.

"Yo."

"What are you...doing here?"

"Ken sent me, wanted me to make sure you're alive." She pushed a small gift bag into his chest, waiting for him to accept. "Plus, I figured you'd probably want something to keep you busy." 

Carefully accepting, he sifted through the bag, reading the titles of a few novels he recognized and a few he didn't. "You brought me books," he observed aloud as she settled into the folding chair beside him. "...Thank you."

"How's she doing?"

"Not...not great," he admitted. "Two fractures to her femur, one to her skull, a nearly skinned ankle, bruises, swelling, so on.

She wakes up every now and then but she's on so much morphine, you can barely understand her. She's in... a lot of pain." 

"Why's she on the pediatric ward?"

"Medicine is dosed out by size. I was told emergency room doctors have a tendency to misdose children, or uh, children-sized adults…"

Touka hummed in acknowledgement. "Humans are pretty remarkable, huh…" Touka murmured. "All of that would heal for either of us in a few days, maybe a week. She's got a lot of misery ahead of her."

"You almost sound like you care."

"I just don't understand her, that's all. And I  _ do  _ still have a human friend, you know; I can sympathize with your girlfriend's pain."

Shuu skipped over the ‘girlfriend’ remark as he finally began to feel awake, and observant. “Ken sent you...so I take it he’s not well either.”

“I don’t think any of you are, lately,” Touka sighed. “It’s getting worse and worse. He said he wants to sleep off a migraine but, I don’t know how much more he’s really got in him before he breaks.”

"What do we do?" he asked quietly.

"I don't know yet," she admitted. "But, we'll figure something out. I'm sure the two of us can get him back."

"Oho, are we friends all of a sudden?"

"You might still be my worst friend, but still a friend…" She muttered, "But your Ken's best friend these days...And you're going through some shit, so…you know you're more than welcome to come by. You know, for Ich's birthday."

"Well now I just feel like you're patronizing me; 'Ken's best friend'  _ and  _ I can come to your daughter's birthday?"

"You were going to show up anyway. But if you do buy her a horse, I'll kick your ass."

"Shame, guess I'll have to return it."

"Stupid, you better not have-"

“You owe me quite a lot in the return postage. Cost is determined by weight, you know.”

“You’re so fucking annoying.”

“ _ Merci.” _

"Just a  _ little  _ pinch," the nurse warned in the sickly sweet tone everyone used with her. "Whoa, good job! Okay, now I'm just gonna take a few of these little tubes, okay?"

Hori sighed, despondent.

"You're a brave girl, you know that?" A nurse who wanted nothing more than to care for the vulnerable couldn't have known how sick she made her patient feel, not without context.

" _ All done _ !" She said in a sing-song tone. "Is there anything else I can do for you, honey? Maybe get you a sticker or a lollipop?"

"Can you read?" Hori asked, tired but clearer than the past few days.

Shuu gave a side-eyed glance that went unnoticed.

"You want me to read to you? I can do that, for a little bit, what would you like-"

"No, like, ‘can you read,’ as in do you know how to? Because if you can, maybe try reading my chart before coming in here, instead of talking to me like I'm a fuc-"

Shuu's uncomfortable laugh stole the attention of the surprised, and slightly hurt looking nurse. "I, uh, I apologise for her. She's been in a lot of pain; I think it's making her a bit cranky. Is she due for another one of those morphine drips?"

With a quick nod, the nurse excused herself to speak with the doctor about approving another dose.

"I don't want any more morphine," Hori argued when the pair was alone. "I want to go home, and away from people who assume I'm a pediatric patient."

"I mean, you  _ are  _ on a pediatric ward."

"I want to be  _ home." _

"I know, Hori," he sighed. Helplessness enveloped him; the feeling of not being able to do anything more for her stung. "I can talk to the doctors, if you want. You know people tend to listen more to husbands; we should pretend to be married. Might be a tax benefit there as well, haven't thought of it, and it will  _ certainly _ make your mother happy if we-"

"Shuu," she interrupted. "I'm sick of them talking to me like I'm a little kid. I'm sick of  _ everyone  _ talking to me like I'm a kid. I don't care what I look like anymore, it's  _ annoying. _ "

"Hori-"

"I don't want to look like this, I don't want to feel like this, I just want to go home, Shuu."

He sighed again, watching her frustration and exhaustion sour her. "I'll try and get you home soon.”

Settling lower on an uncomfortable bed, Hori grunted as her leg knocked into the side railing. With an extra sigh of annoyance, she muttered for him to not make any promises he wasn't sure he could keep.

_ Flames surrounding, like a real ring of fire, Hori struggled through the agony of a broken femur to drag her near lifeless body away from the heat- the heat, the inescapable  _ **_heat_ ** _ \- with cracks of electrical currents and crumbling foundation. _

_ Just get to the end, there's light, just crawl to the- _

_ The building collapsed too soon, too far from salvation. Hori looks up in fear as a boulder is just about to- _

Hori snapped awake, flinging herself forward despite the pain in her casted leg. She heaved through labored breaths until she was calm enough to hear Hinami gently shushing her.

"It's okay, it's okay, you're okay Hori," she murmured, carefully running her hand along Hori's arm. "You're safe, I've got you."

"W-where am I?"

"Seinan Hospital."

"Where's Shuu?"

"We had to send him home for a little bit. He needed rest."

"And a shower," Ayato muttered, bouncing Minato gently on his shoulder. Min clung to his father's shirt, cooing gently. 

"He'll be back soon, don't worry."

Hori tried to calm her nerves, taking a few deep breaths, until panic took her again. “Hinami, Hinami your parents, did you- did anyone get- I don’t remember what happened to them-”

“Hori, shh,” Hinami hushed her again, with a soft smile and a chuckle. “It’s okay, a peacekeeper was able to grab them after they rescued you. They’re already home and safe.”

Hori sighed, picking at the plaster cast as her leg throbbed from the movement. “Good, that’s good… My mom still here or did she finally leave too?"

"Said she was going out to smoke," Ayato said, with an added mutter that the woman was 'as interesting' as he expected, though he wasn't expecting so many questions about if he was single.

Hori's eyes rolled as she assured them that was normal, and laid back with little hope of falling back asleep. She instead turned to look at her guests, primarily the young father. 

Red flags of her captivity seemingly strung together, as if seeing raven-black hair was the key she needed.

"Hey, Kirishima-san," Hori started. "You were in Aorigi for a long time right?"

With some hesitation, he nodded. 

"Are there...groups like that still around?" 

Hinami glanced between Hori and Ayato with unease, a sinking feeling.

"Not that I've heard of," he answered. "Why?"

"He didn't...he didn't work alone. In fact, I think he's pretty low ranking."

With peaked interest, Ayato carefully handed Minato off to Hinami, to come closer to Hori's bedside. "What makes you think he's a part of an organization?"

"He said he didn't have 'permission' to keep me. He had a burner phone and seemed to be taking orders from someone. I think whenever things went wrong, he knocked me out and sought advice; I don’t think he was clever enough on his own. On top of that, I don't think he's capable of pulling off the stunt at the park. I think he's borderline illiterate, and not in the 'can't read some kanji way,' no like 'barely knows hiragana.' Also...he said there's an auction coming up."

The atmosphere of the room shifted, to something dark and foreboding.

"...There are still auctions?" Hinami asked.

"I need you to tell me everything." Ayato pulled a chair closer, examining Hori close. "I mean  _ everything _ , every last detail. Nothing's too trivial here."

Dark eyes bore into her with more intensity than she could handle, as though he would break her apart if she didn't cooperate, despite knowing he wouldn't. 

Her throat refused to work, as a lump of anxious energy formed right in the center and refused to let her speak another word.

"Hori-san, this is vital intel. I need to know everything so we can track these guys."

_ 'Come on, come on, just start from the top, come  _ **_on!"_ ** She pleaded mentally with her own body, outraged that it wouldn't agree. 

"Hori, answe-"

"For God's sake, Ayato, let her be," Hinami scolded him lightly. "She's been through enough, let her rest."

"Did you  _ hear  _ her? An entire organization can undermine everything-"

"You can be so dense sometimes," she sighed, before leaning to her side to catch Hori's attention. "Hori, dear, don’t mind him. Whenever you can tell us, tell us. Until then, you need to heal. Unfortunately for all of us, broken bones and underground organizations will still be here in the morning, but some rest will do your mind some good."

_ Helpless,  _ Hori scolded herself. Helpless to the cause, helpless to assist the one person who's good to her while asking nothing in return, helpless to her own mind and body locking her out of control.

With Ayato slumped back in defeat, Hori tried again to speak but only to work against herself. "I really appreciate you guys coming here, but would it be okay if I was alone for a bit?"

"Alone?" Ayato asked. 

"I'm sorry if we upset you-"

"No, no, you're fine," she insisted without any emotion in her voice. "I'd just really like to be alone for a little while." 

If looks could kill, Hinami's eyes would have pierced daggers through Ayato, with him mouthing an annoyed  _ 'oh, come on'  _

Against her better judgement, against the feeling in her gut that demanded she stay, Hinami agreed to let Hori be, but only with the catch that she would return. She would return as often and stay as long as Hori needed.

But that was just fuel to a guilt-ridden flame.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy birthday Chie! sorry I gave you trauma~!  
> So uh it's been a while, hope everyone's doing well! I hope this was at least worth the wait? Nor have I forgotten this story, I don't think a day's gone by that I haven't at least opened the doc for it.   
> I think I am going to have to limit my updates to once a week. I like to have three chapters ready at a time, and the editing process has been too much to do as quickly as I was prior to my unintentional hiatus  
> Anyway, if you've come back, ily and hope you have a great week  
> See ya next week, peace!

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, full disclosure but I only skim read most of :re.  
> So...this is going to be out of character! And straight up non-canon, or vague canon because idk what actually happened, and I ain’t reading through 5000 pages of CCG shit to find out! If you’re willing to put up with that, pull up a chair!  
> Additionally, I posted this work originally because no one else seems to ship tsuki/chie (and I didn't either until I started writing them in other things) and I just want more works of them! but I got embarrassed by it, so I took it down, tore it apart and tried again and I'm feeling more confident this go around, so, sorry if the repost is annoying! But if you made it here twice, thank you a lot!!  
> Kudos are appreciated, comments provide a single serotonin.


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